selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[Ruined our lives. He had done that, hadn't he? Changed everything. He toyed with reality and now reality's completely flipped on its head, and he doesn't like it.

This isn't what I wanted. But he can't say that, either. It had all gone horribly wrong, and intentions meant nothing, now. He'd only been trying to help. To get stronger. He'd saved lives with that first spell, saved Tony and Jane, both. Pulled them out of nowhere. It was supposed to be more than fine. Perfecting that spell should have been a good thing.

If it's what caused this, the kidnapping, that power the Malnosso had forced into him, the faked murder, the spell he'd cast... then it's just one more good thing in his life that's been taken away.

Dammit. Dammit.

He takes the anger in silence, ready to hear and accept it all- the wrath of a friend his magic - he - had betrayed. He wonders what might have been said if Pepper hadn't stopped it, and he's tempted to stay just give Tony a chance to continue. If it's what he needs, if it'll make him feel better, if it-

....

He can't, though. He knows he can't. Hearing more of that will just break him, and he's already heard enough today. He thought he could handle it, handle it all, but... he was wrong. And really- what had he expected? Hugs and crying and forgiveness and we'll get over it? No. He'd done this to give them the truth, to give them a chance to decide, full disclosure, whether or not to be associated with him anymore. Now he has his answer, and that's what he'll have to live with.

He takes a step back, then another, nodding helplessly, his eyes blurred by tears.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry--

[It's all he can get out, all he even tries to say. It's time to leave, just like she said. He twists, half-stumbles, and rushes for the stairs. Teddy's outside. Teddy's waiting for him. He needs to get out.

And after this? After what he did? He doesn't think he'll ever be coming back here again.]

[ He doesn't argue with Pepper, and he doesn't try to stop Billy - he doesn't say a damned thing at all. He just watches him go, the boy who had been his friend, his confidante - hell, even his son once - and the author of the single greatest heartache Tony had ever gone through.

It isn't until the silence has had a chance to soak into his bones he even realizes he's trembling.

Fanboys are few and far between around here. I've got to keep the ones that I've got.

Ha. Ha, like hell. Like hell -

He turns to face Pepper, silently guiding her into his arms to hold himself together. ]

[It hurts, having Billy go. Even after she closes her eyes, Pepper can still hear the sounds of his stumbling, the tears in his voice before his steps fade into silence. One more pain layered upon all the rest, losses and betrayals and Pepper doesn't know what she'll do when the numbness holding her together now finally fades.

But she is numb, emotion forced aside because she can't deal with any of it right now. She can't think about the consequences of every word each of them has said, from Billy's guilt to Tony's anger, to her own quiet rebuke of the boy's longstanding invitation. She just can't.

Maybe she's not numb, but tired.

Either way, it's easy to go when Tony draws her in, her arms sliding around his shoulders. She can feel the way he trembles, so she holds him tightly to her, offering the one reassurance she can after all of this.]

I've got you. I'm here. [It's all they have. It's all they ever seem to have, in the end.]

[ And thank god for that. Come hell or high water, even if she goes home before him - Tony knows he doesn't have to worry about Pepper devastating him in betrayal like Billy just did.

Maybe she's the only person he really can trust.

He presses his face against her neck and breathes deeply. ]

[She stands there for as long as he needs her to, letting Tony calm himself down. Her fingers move in absent patterns, smoothing over the back of his neck, through his hair, every touch a silent echo of her words.

She's right there for him to cling to--although even that isn't as reliable as she wishes it could be.

Still, he doesn't speak of his absolute trust aloud, leaving Pepper unaware of how close they were to that dangerous line of truth. Instead she simply holds him, and listens to Tony breathe.]

[ Realistically, it probably only took a handful of minutes for his heart to stop racing and his breathing to slow, but it felt like ages longer than that considering the thoughts the pooled through Tony's head. His relationship with Billy had had its ups and downs, as Tony himself had gone from someone that Billy didn't trust at all to someone he was willing to work through Tony's deepest, darkest fears with. Drafts and shifts and portals and alternative lives. They'd been through so much together - and for what now? Now it was Tony who didn't feel like he could trust the other at all.

It would be ironic if thinking about it didn't make him sick.

He takes a step back to meet Pepper's eyes. ]

Better take the rest of the day off, don't you think?

[Her arms loosen when he starts to pull away, recognizing that sign that Tony's collected himself to feel ready to do so. Of course it isn't so simple as that one moment, those sharp breaths that eventually slow into something calmer, more normal. Still, it's better than he's done in the past, and some small part of Pepper is glad for how Tony manages to subdue the outward signs of his emotions.

The problem lies in the thoughts she knows are still echoing in his head, just as they ring through hers.]

Already on it. Your schedule's been cleared for the day. [Yes, it's been ages since Pepper's managed Tony's time in a professional capacity. But it's a safe joke under the circumstances. Also still true; she knew when she left the gallery early that she wouldn't be heading back.]

[ His mouth quirks into something almost resembling a smile - almost, and then it's gone just a moment later. ]

I can always count on you, Mrs. Potts-Stark.

[ And as long as he had that - well. They already decided they would make it through this, didn't they? He had to remember that more than ever now.

We're gonna be okay.

Eventually. Someday. ]

[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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