selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

Similar? To what, your world?

[He knows that Loki can't be in the greatest circumstances - the whole Frost Giant thing - but his universe doesn't really have any gossip about him being mistreated for his origins. Only for his behaviour, which is... kind of expected after all the terrible things that Loki has done.

And in his mind it's better to talk about that than the mutant issues back home. At least, more comfortable for him.

...Oh geez, speaking of which- he needs to confirm something with Loki before they part ways, now that he knows about Rogue. Crap.]

I don't know anything of mutants in my world. No, I meant your worlds sound quite similar.

[He smiles crookedly.]

I wouldn't really draw a similarity with myself. While I have always been treated as if there is something terribly wrong with me, no one but that bastard Odin knew the cause of my supposed defect. [Which is both better and worse, in its own special and horrible ways.]

Oh. [Well that makes more sense.] I guess that's... good? Kind of? I don't know.

[He's as terrible as ever at this.]

I guess our worlds are similar enough, yeah. There's just a lot that's happened in mine that hasn't happened yet in hers. And the order's kind of mixed up, too.

[Loki shrugs.] It is what it is.

[For his part, it would have been nice to not be so alone, and while Rogue has said there are some issues with other mutants, she's obviously found quite a bit of happiness being amongst them. On the other hand, from what he's seen of the Jotnar, he certainly never would have found any welcome there.

And glad of it.

A change of subject seems to be in order, and it's his turn to ask a question. It seems odd to be asking for things that seem so inconsequential, but he knows that they are actually quite important.]

What is it you like best about Teddy?

Oh god, that's a tough one. Um...

[There's so much about Teddy that he likes, so many qualities that he's come to treasure and appreciate - and therefore encourage - and all of those he had to earn the right to see, since Teddy hid so much of himself just to conform to the group at first.]

I guess... if I had to pick just one, I'd choose his strength. Not physically- I mean, I like that too- [How effortlessly he can carry Billy both on the battlefield and in the privacy of their home, how protected he feels in those arms, how invincible he is when Hulkling is watching his back-] But he's been through so much in his life, and he's able to keep moving forward despite it. He's always smiling, even when he doesn't have to. And... I mean, the more I went through, the more cynical I got- and I'm sarcastic, and I can be kind of a jerk sometimes, and I'm always saying the wrong thing- but Teddy's just... good. He's a good person to the core. He makes me happy, he's always making me smile, like that optimism of his rubs off on me. He inspires me, makes me want to be a better person.

[His expression shifts, nostalgic, affectionate, a little shy. Sickening.]

I really love that about him.

[Loki finds it very cute, really. Probably because he's rediscovered his own ability to be a bit goopy when no one's looking.

Though he doesn't necessarily understand the whole wanting to be a better person thing. Mostly, Loki just wants to be Loki and the problem is he's having a devil of a time figuring out just who that is.]

I am glad for you.

Haha, thanks. And ditto to you.

[Speaking of which, it's his turn again. And rather than just tossing the same question back at Loki, he pauses to think of something new instead.]

Okay... how'd you manage to win her over? Since she didn't like you at first.

[And Rogue's a tough one to bond with even when you start out on neutral footing.]

I... don't entirely know.

[Loki smiles sheepishly.]

I did not wish to give up. So I... played the long game. Though do not misunderstand me. I did not think it a game. But rather... I decided to approach the matter with patience.

And I refused to simply... go away. I offered myself to her time and again in the hopes that she would finally see something that she could like.

[He falls silent for a moment, mulling things over.]

I have never lied to her. And she knows that I have never lied to her. Even when I would have liked to.

Edited 2013-04-12 00:48 (UTC)

I can see why that would be appealing, especially for you. No offense.

[He pauses at that - opens his mouth, shuts it - then adds,]

If it's possible for that to be inoffensive. ...It probably isn't. Sorry.

[Did he mention that he says the wrong thing a lot because he totally does.]

[Loki shrugs, amused. He knows he's the God of Lies. He's made of lies, really.]

I suppose it shows I am trying, very hard.

[He falls silent for a moment before saying quietly:]

I want there to be one thing in the boundaries of my life that I know to be true and real.

[That's what the honesty had been for; he knows that if Rogue likes him, it's not simply because he's manipulated her in to doing so. And he knows his feelings for her, as strange and ill-defined as they might be, are true as well. They are not a story he's been raised to believe, a whisper in his ear, a voice in his mind. Their relationship is not a thing lied into being by anyone, not even himself.]

Congratulations, you officially know more about maintaining a healthy relationship than at least fifty percent of the "normal" population of Earth. Equality and honesty are almost as dead as chivalry these days.

[One of the reasons he's always tried not to lie or keep secrets from Teddy - in fact, why Teddy is one of the only people he's even told about these meetings he has with Loki in the first place - because years of hearing his mother ramble about statistics and divorce rates due to secrets and misunderstandings... if anything sunk in, it was that, because Teddy's the one person he never wants to lose.]

[Loki snorts quietly.]

Yes, well, I make a pig's ear of things anyway often enough.

[He smiles, about as goopy as he ever gets, himself.]

But it is real.

That's the nice thing about honesty- it makes it real when both sides are sticking to it.

[He's learned that the hard way a couple of times, but that's one of the finer points of a first-time relationship: actually learning from the mistakes you make.]

[Loki snorts.

Only no one ever does.]

A worthy experiment, at the least.

Seems to be working, right? I mean, you obviously got somewhere with it. And it's real. That's really cool.

[Not the most elegant way to phrase it, but true nonetheless, at least to him.]

A source of wonder for me, it is. [He smiles.] But I am glad that you think so.

Though I rather doubt many others will. I am not looking forward to that, though not for my own sake. [He likes pissing people off, after all.]

Your life is just chock full of secret rendezvous, isn't it.

[He can't really judge on the secrecy bit, though, that's for sure- he hasn't told anyone besides Teddy and Jane about these lessons, after all.]

How does Rogue feel about it?

Edited (oops) 2013-04-16 00:25 (UTC)

One great secret from end to end, really.

[He smiles crookedly.]

She doesn't much like it, I think, in some ways. She's not comfortable with lying to people and won't. On the other hand, she doesn't really think it is anyone else's business, so hasn't felt the need to really tell either.

I think she's afraid someone will try to hurt me, though I have told her that out of affection for her I would hide rather than fight in such a situation. I am far more concerned that other people will hurt her, in far more fundamental ways.

Well... let's face it, the biggest obstacle is the Avengers, right? And you've already managed to cooperate with them a few times despite how they might still feel about you. So long as you're not trying to hurt people, they'll come around. It's kind of their thing.

[Reformed villainy and all that.]

One might hope you are right. But there is a long distance between cooperation for a common goal and the peaceable acceptance of my intimacy with one they have dubbed their own. It takes me out of a... safe distance.

But more, as I said... I am concerned with how Rogue will be treated. I imagine it will be thought I am manipulating her, or that it's her own desperation to be touched driving us together. Though I would hope none would think that of her, since it shows a lack of respect toward her that I would find most angering. Or perhaps she will be thought a traitor because loyalty to one group should keep me frozen out, yes? Friends expect their friends to share their enmities.

Any of those things would hurt her, badly. And thus I worry. But there is little I can do, I expect, if the worst should come to pass, and I worry about that as well.

I can't think of a reason to disagree with any of that. But one thing I've noticed about Rogue that is basically the same in both of our universes- she does what she wants, and to hell with the consequences.

[He drums his fingers idly against his jeans, thinking for a moment. It's true that a lot of what Loki says has merit. And it's not like he himself doesn't have a few misgivings about all of this, for many of the same reasons. It's why he hasn't been spreading around news of the lessons.]

I think that if they knew, it would cause some fighting. And you'd probably be the target of that, if they thought you were doing something to manipulate the situation. But I also know that she'll fight like mad to defend what's important to her. And I also know that neither the X-Men or the Avengers will easily abandon one of their own.

[He offers up a small smile- not much, and worthless in the grand scheme of things, but a hint of optimism, at the very least. Coming from a pessimist, and hopefully that means something.]

I think you're in for a long, rough road. But it could work out eventually, if you both want it bad enough.

Fighting does not leave me feeling concerned. I have never fallen prey to the idiotic belief that retreat is cowardly. [He laughs.] Or perhaps I do not care if I am thought a coward. Better a coward than a fool.

Ultimately, if someone wishes to pick a confrontation with me, it will be upon them. I have told my lady I will defend myself only as a last resort, and none shall make a liar of me in her eyes.

[He falls silent for a moment.]

I cannot say that I have never before wanted something this badly. I have obviously wanted to see the fall of Odin with all my being for the suffering he and his have caused me.

But this is different. Somehow, though I cannot easily quantify it. This is very different.

Edited 2013-04-17 13:18 (UTC)

[Billy is quiet for a long moment at that, pondering those words, that phrasing. It's a curious way of putting it, and it echoes something that he's felt himself- and still does, actually; that distinct and indescribable experience, an inability to put one's feeling into words, simply (and yet not simply at all) because there's so much of that feeling.

And it took him a long time to figure out what word he'd really meant to use for it all along.]

...Are you in love with her?

[Loki goes very still, mulling the word over, considering.

Eventually, he says very carefully:]

I think there are many who would argue I am incapable of such feelings.

[He'd sigh, but that's the sort of response he'd come to expect, asking such deeply personal and therefore disarming questions to someone like Loki. At least working through defensive insecurities is something he's got experience with.]

No one's arguing that right now. I'm just asking questions.

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