selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Loki snorts quietly.]

Yes, well, I make a pig's ear of things anyway often enough.

[He smiles, about as goopy as he ever gets, himself.]

But it is real.

That's the nice thing about honesty- it makes it real when both sides are sticking to it.

[He's learned that the hard way a couple of times, but that's one of the finer points of a first-time relationship: actually learning from the mistakes you make.]

[Loki snorts.

Only no one ever does.]

A worthy experiment, at the least.

Seems to be working, right? I mean, you obviously got somewhere with it. And it's real. That's really cool.

[Not the most elegant way to phrase it, but true nonetheless, at least to him.]

A source of wonder for me, it is. [He smiles.] But I am glad that you think so.

Though I rather doubt many others will. I am not looking forward to that, though not for my own sake. [He likes pissing people off, after all.]

Your life is just chock full of secret rendezvous, isn't it.

[He can't really judge on the secrecy bit, though, that's for sure- he hasn't told anyone besides Teddy and Jane about these lessons, after all.]

How does Rogue feel about it?

Edited (oops) 2013-04-16 00:25 (UTC)

One great secret from end to end, really.

[He smiles crookedly.]

She doesn't much like it, I think, in some ways. She's not comfortable with lying to people and won't. On the other hand, she doesn't really think it is anyone else's business, so hasn't felt the need to really tell either.

I think she's afraid someone will try to hurt me, though I have told her that out of affection for her I would hide rather than fight in such a situation. I am far more concerned that other people will hurt her, in far more fundamental ways.

Well... let's face it, the biggest obstacle is the Avengers, right? And you've already managed to cooperate with them a few times despite how they might still feel about you. So long as you're not trying to hurt people, they'll come around. It's kind of their thing.

[Reformed villainy and all that.]

One might hope you are right. But there is a long distance between cooperation for a common goal and the peaceable acceptance of my intimacy with one they have dubbed their own. It takes me out of a... safe distance.

But more, as I said... I am concerned with how Rogue will be treated. I imagine it will be thought I am manipulating her, or that it's her own desperation to be touched driving us together. Though I would hope none would think that of her, since it shows a lack of respect toward her that I would find most angering. Or perhaps she will be thought a traitor because loyalty to one group should keep me frozen out, yes? Friends expect their friends to share their enmities.

Any of those things would hurt her, badly. And thus I worry. But there is little I can do, I expect, if the worst should come to pass, and I worry about that as well.

I can't think of a reason to disagree with any of that. But one thing I've noticed about Rogue that is basically the same in both of our universes- she does what she wants, and to hell with the consequences.

[He drums his fingers idly against his jeans, thinking for a moment. It's true that a lot of what Loki says has merit. And it's not like he himself doesn't have a few misgivings about all of this, for many of the same reasons. It's why he hasn't been spreading around news of the lessons.]

I think that if they knew, it would cause some fighting. And you'd probably be the target of that, if they thought you were doing something to manipulate the situation. But I also know that she'll fight like mad to defend what's important to her. And I also know that neither the X-Men or the Avengers will easily abandon one of their own.

[He offers up a small smile- not much, and worthless in the grand scheme of things, but a hint of optimism, at the very least. Coming from a pessimist, and hopefully that means something.]

I think you're in for a long, rough road. But it could work out eventually, if you both want it bad enough.

Fighting does not leave me feeling concerned. I have never fallen prey to the idiotic belief that retreat is cowardly. [He laughs.] Or perhaps I do not care if I am thought a coward. Better a coward than a fool.

Ultimately, if someone wishes to pick a confrontation with me, it will be upon them. I have told my lady I will defend myself only as a last resort, and none shall make a liar of me in her eyes.

[He falls silent for a moment.]

I cannot say that I have never before wanted something this badly. I have obviously wanted to see the fall of Odin with all my being for the suffering he and his have caused me.

But this is different. Somehow, though I cannot easily quantify it. This is very different.

Edited 2013-04-17 13:18 (UTC)

[Billy is quiet for a long moment at that, pondering those words, that phrasing. It's a curious way of putting it, and it echoes something that he's felt himself- and still does, actually; that distinct and indescribable experience, an inability to put one's feeling into words, simply (and yet not simply at all) because there's so much of that feeling.

And it took him a long time to figure out what word he'd really meant to use for it all along.]

...Are you in love with her?

[Loki goes very still, mulling the word over, considering.

Eventually, he says very carefully:]

I think there are many who would argue I am incapable of such feelings.

[He'd sigh, but that's the sort of response he'd come to expect, asking such deeply personal and therefore disarming questions to someone like Loki. At least working through defensive insecurities is something he's got experience with.]

No one's arguing that right now. I'm just asking questions.

[He looks down at his hands.]

I might well be one of those people.

[He gives Billy a sardonic smile.] In truth, it has been so long since I've felt anything other than angry perhaps I've gone a bit rusty. I'd feel quite ridiculous speaking such words.

[But that still doesn't answer the question. He's circling it, feeling incredibly uncomfortable about the entire thing. Why can't it just be, why put some sort of loaded, unbelievable word on it?

And it all comes back to that unanswered question that's been thrust back on him since coming here. Who is he? Is Loki, orphan Loki with no father's name he wants to take and no realm he wishes to speak of any longer, someone that loves?]

Edited 2013-04-18 03:06 (UTC)

Love is ridiculous.

[Billy scuffs his toe in the dirt of the stable absently, his gaze focusing on the trotting horse again, because he's not sure he can look Loki in the eye while he says this, even if it needs to be said.]

Love is being dopey and smiling at stupid things the other person does. Love is getting mad at them for disagreeing with you and then getting mad at yourself for being mad at someone who means so much to you. Love is throwing logic out of the equation because nothing you do seems to make that much sense anymore. Love is when you feel like crap and all it takes is a word or a touch or a smile from your other half and suddenly you feel like you're gold. Love is just...

[He gestures helplessly, the very epitome of what Loki had stated earlier- different, not so easily quantified or explained or phrased or expressed.

But felt. Always felt, strongly and painfully and without restraint.]

It's ridiculous. That's it. You feel ridiculous all the time because you're so stupidly happy and lucky and you wonder how you managed to find someone in this big, overpopulated universe who gets you.

[Another long silence as Loki mulls this over.

Well, he'd already been sunk when Billy had asked the question. Because for all his dissembling, Loki knows precisely what love feels like. It feels like presenting a lady with a spell he'd worked on all night (and caused himself to pass out from once due to accidental asphyxiation) because he just wanted to see her smile - and then seeing that smile, seeing her eyes light up, just for him. And all this, because he hadn't known better, because he'd simply welcomed her in and felt that utter joy.

He knows that feeling. He has wanted it like he hasn't wanted anything else, not even Asgard's throne, because it is the one thing he's encountered in two years of torment, in centuries of feeling like the unnamed outcast, that has made him feel like more than a shadow on the wall that some joker has given a name.

And even though he knew it was a thousand sorts of foolish, he'd gone after it like he'd gone after everything else he ever wanted - with single-minded intensity, playing the long game, playing to win.

And he had won. Or at least started to. It is his again, that feeling, and he can't even think about it so dispassionately when Rogue is within his line of sight. It's a gaping hole in his defenses, and he could not care less, because in some strange way it has made him feel stronger than ever before.

He sighs quietly,]

Then I suppose your answer is yes.

Edited 2013-04-18 03:41 (UTC)

[Hearing it then, finally, is enough to make Billy glance over and smile. Because under all the cheek and sass and sarcasm and cynicism he's just a doofy kid in love, desperately and happily. And love just makes him happy in general.]

Then you should say it. Say it loud and proud and revel in that ridiculousness. I think it's the best feeling in the world, and screw whoever thinks you shouldn't feel it too.

[He laughs softly.]

I think if I were to say any such thing aloud at all, I'd best say it to the lady in question.

That's kind of the idea, yes.

[Hell if he's going to discourage confessions of the affectionate sort, especially when it's directed at ladies he thinks damn well deserve it.]

Perhaps later.

I don't know if it's the sort of thing she'd like to hear from me right now. She was far less certain about this relationship than I have ever been.

That's okay. Once you know how you feel, it's not like you have to rush it telling other people. I just think it's important to be honest with yourself before you're honest with anybody else.

I suppose that makes sense.

[He laughs.] But I think I shall keep it to myself until the lady decides if she will keep me or not.

Well... I'm not much help when it comes to dating girls, but if you ever need some advice, you know how to find me.

I find the idea of dating a mortal altogether strange, I admit. No matter the gender.

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, March 26]

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[Action, March 26] AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Action, March 26] thought you might like that one

[Action, March 26] them's the big guns

[Action, March 26] you know billy, he doesn't pull them punches

[Action, March 26] I was promised a musical number. >:[

[Action, March 26] this is too serious for musicals 8[

[Action, March 26] write this day on the calendar.

[Action, March 26] it is engraved on my heart

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