selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

You don't have to apologize to me, you know.

[Whatever you want. The phrase isn't as much of a knee-jerk as it was a few months ago, but it still makes him feel like the hair on the back of his neck is bristling. Someday he'll get to the point where he won't hate that phrase coming from Billy's mouth, but it looks like that day isn't today.

Teddy rubs at the back of his neck to get rid of that feeling, frowning briefly, before he sits down beside Billy, bent at the waist and arms resting on his knees, hands hanging between them. He doesn't want Billy to just dive into it headfirst, especially when Teddy himself hasn't been very talkative about what happened. Which isn't a surprise for him; there are things he likes to keep locked up in a way that only he has the key to. And this would be one of them, except it'd make him look like a giant hypocrite.]

We can't just keep walking around on eggshells pretending that what happened didn't happen. We can't just not talk about it and expect everything to be okay. Didn't you tell me something like that once?

[He sighs, one hand reaching up to run through his hair as he shuts his eyes. Right... right then.]

While you were out there, I was stuck here. Almost as soon as you left, they started to send in wounded people. People who were on the battlefield who weren't from Luceti. I'm not a healer... but I did help out some of them when the other healers were busy. I know I get... stupid and nervous when it comes to first aid stuff, but I guess I just needed to be put in a real life situation. It came so easily to me...

[...] But we lost a few of them, too. I sat by them and held their hand and talked to them and tried to... make it easier. Tried to give them someone who cared, so that they wouldn't... you know... go alone.

[Billy doesn't respond, not with words; he hates interrupting when Teddy's sharing stuff like this, what with the risk of the wrong reply shutting him up unintentionally. More than that, though- he doesn't trust his own words. He'd seen much the same as what Teddy's describing, except on the field itself. While he'd been assisting Mia, he'd witnessed some horrible things, watched people die a lot faster than they could heal or patch them up.

He closes his eyes, but that just makes the mental picture come to mind all the more clear, and he shifts uncomfortably and opens them again. Instead he glances down and reaches out, tentatively twining his fingers through Teddy's. He gets it. He knows.]

[Teddy looks at their hands once Billy touches his, and he curls his fingers to return the hold. He knows Billy's seen a lot worse, and with that in mind, he kind of feels like he's being petty. But he pushes that insecurity to the back burner right now; he started on it, he should finish it before the urge to keep it in his head gets too strong.]

I kept asking the people who were still... I kept asking what was happening, but they never really said anything useful. Just that... things were brutal. How there was blood everywhere... and that the people from Luceti had a plan that was going to get them killed. I didn't know anything else...

You know - You know those people at home, the ones who have to sit there and wait for news when their relatives or wives or husbands go to war, and sometimes they don't know anything for a long time? I know it was only a few days, but I felt like... God.

[He holds Billy's hand a little tighter. Maybe it's not quite like the situation he just talked about, but where once he felt a twinge of sympathy without really getting it... now he does.]

[Billy can only nod at that. It's exactly how it was, isn't it? And the whole time he'd been telling himself over and over that he was glad Teddy wasn't there. That he was safe back in the village and far, far away from the nightmare. But the truth is, he'd never felt so grateful as the moment he'd been revived and saw Teddy right there, holding him.

He bites his lip, trying and failing not to tremble at the memory.]

I didn't know... that was something that could happen to us. That we'd ever be fighting alone...

[Teddy nods quietly at that, recalling the rage he felt when he heard the list of people who'd been called out to war. The fact that Billy was on it, the fact that he wasn't, and how they'd spent the rest of the time in front of the teleporters just holding each other, unwilling to let go. And then they did, and Teddy felt physically ill with the heartsickness and worry that came over him when Billy disappeared.

He leans to the side, allowing their temples to touch together. He doesn't tremble or bite his lip or show anything else, as he's good at hiding these things. But he shows it by seeking out more physical contact with his fiancé.]

I'd trained for it, when you stopped using your magic. It was so weird... [Not having someone watching his back, not looking out for the young man with the red cape, not relying on magic to shield him from an attack he couldn't see.]

But that's why I volunteered for reinforcements as soon as I could. Both Tommy and I did. We told each other that you were our first priority. And when I... when all that happened... [He shuts his eyes, leaning further against Billy's temple.] I felt like giving up for a second. Before I figured out a way to save you... I thought I lost you. I thought I...

[That makes Billy close his eyes again, fingers tightening around Teddy's, his breath catching as he inhales. There's a level of guilt that he can't help feeling with that, too, though he knows Teddy didn't intend for it. Guilt that he'd gotten himself into that mess, guilt that he hadn't run while he could before Hoshikyo had knocked him out of the sky, guilt that Teddy'd had to find him so close to death.

Guilt that he'd let his fear control him for so long it nearly took his life. That Teddy'd had to prepare himself for a future of fighting alone, because he couldn't be there, because he was such a coward he wouldn't.]

...I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

[He shudders, free hand sliding over to grip Teddy's hand twice as hard. He doesn't even know who he's apologizing to anymore, he just has to say the words until it changes something.]

I'm sorry... if I'd- if I'd started sooner, if I'd been better, I could've done more- I could've saved people, I- I wouldn't have scared you like that- god, I'm so sorry...

[The fact that Billy's squeezing his hand so hard, that he's apologizing and starting to ramble, all of it makes Teddy turn a little more to face him, touching foreheads rather than temples, and hold Billy's cheek and jawbone with his own free hand, murmuring a few quiet, shushing sounds. It's not to really shush him, but to give him some comfort, to let him know that he hears it, that he's not putting him down for apologizing, that he's here.

Teddy's done already, and even though he doesn't feel okay yet, it does feel like he got a load off his chest. So like this, with Billy so heavy with guilt and having opened up to some of it in front of him, Teddy opens his eyes, his hand moving upward to stroke his temple in a gentle, circular movement.]

Tell me about it?

[He wants to say no. After everything, he just... god, he wants to get up and walk to his room, close the door and build another blanket mountain and hide forever. He wants to spell away the memories and the nightmares and let it all fade away.

Magic... doesn't work like that.

And it's not fair to Teddy, either... he told me how he felt. He did that for a reason.

He doesn't get it, another part of his mind warns, rebelling, and he resents himself for thinking it. He wasn't there. He didn't see everything.

He saw enough.]

...I didn't... join the fighting, at first. I thought- I figured I'd just get in the way, I wasn't used to combat anymore... I'd just get someone else in trouble. So I hung back with the medics... healed who I could, carried the injured... basically what you said. There were a lot of people who didn't make it, but I... I thought I could help the most staying there. It was all I could handle...

[Good... He's finally talking. Teddy was half afraid he wouldn't do it, and he'd even given him an out by phrasing it as a question rather than anything else. But he needs to talk, even if he doesn't want to, even if Teddy can't quite relate. He himself might get by with not talking so much about things, but Billy... he thrives on getting it all out of him. To let him keep running away from it is unhealthy for both of them and their relationship.]

And that's when... [At that point Teddy glances away, fingers falling to Billy's cheek again. That's when he... died, when that explosion killed them all and sent them back in time, causing the hiccup in time back in Luceti. It kills him to think about it, and he remembers how Billy reacted when he told him what he knew. The last thing he wants is to drive him away again.]

[Billy winces, knowing the words even as Teddy trails off. He hesitates again, longer this time, until finally he nods, his expression pained and reluctant. Teddy knowing had made it easier to leave it all unsaid, but now that he has to talk about it... he's not sure. Maybe it makes it harder to explain when Teddy already knows. It's just an excuse to skim over it.

He ducks his head, hands tightening again. For anyone else, it might've been painful, but Teddy's so strong it doesn't even occur to him how tightly he's holding on.]

We didn't even see it. I was inside when it went off, there was this- like a light in the corner of my eye, but I couldn't even turn to look. There wasn't time. One minute we were all there, fighting, and the next... gone. All of us. In a second, Teddy...

[His voice trails off to a whisper. Remembering it now is harder than it had been at the time; there'd been the battle to keep them all distracted, the looming threat of a repeat of that and never returning. Everyone had been too busy to contemplate their deaths. But now...]

Remember... before Nate left, when we fought Kang... when we disappeared? It was like that, at first. Just... not existing. And coming back was the same, too- I felt dizzy, confused, out of place. I think I threw up. I remember feeling sick. But it was... fine, mostly. I mean, it was weird, but it didn't freak me out that much.

[He worries his bottom lip with his teeth, gaze darting off to the side now. With the floodgates open he can't seem to stop the truth from spilling out, much as he'd like to.]

Between that... though... dying and waking up, I... I remember. I forgot, for a while, or I- I pushed it out, I don't know... but I keep seeing it. At first it was just dreams, but now it's like it's... spreading? I don't know. I don't know anything. Just this. It's everywhere. I wake up from the dreams and I'm cold, I try to shower and I'm drowning, I look at the sky and it's watching me, I touch my skin and it's peeling off of me, I try to eat and all I taste is rot, I...!

[He cuts himself off with a muffled cry, eyes squeezing shut as if speaking the words aloud is bringing it all back to haunt him. The worst - or part of the worst, perhaps - is not understanding any of it. It's supposed to start out bad and get better. It isn't supposed to get worse...]

B -

[Rather than try to get him to keep talking, Teddy decides that he needs something now, not just getting stuff off of his chest. So he moves his free hand to pull Billy's head to the crook of his neck, fingers twined with the strands of his hair, and turns his head to kiss what he can at this angle. Is this what's been going on, even outside the draft? Is this why Billy seems to be so jumpy about things, can't eat sometimes, can't sleep? It's worrying, deeply worrying... But panicking about it isn't going to get them anywhere.

He stays like that for a moment, Billy pulled in close and Teddy stroking his hair at the back of his head, his other hand held tight but not too much so for Teddy. After that moment, Teddy lifts his head enough to not let his words be muffled, quiet as they still are.]

Does it happen all the time?

[Again, he doesn't speak right away- he shakes his head slightly, trembling in Teddy's arms and simply letting himself take in the comfort freely offered. He focuses his breathing - in, out, in, out, calm, deep breaths - and only speaks again when he trusts his voice not to waver as much this time. He's mostly successful, so he'll consider that a victory.]

Not... all the time. Once in a while. Maybe it would be better if it was, though. Now when it happens, it's... so jarring. Like everything's fine and I'm okay and then- bam, I'm right back there, in the middle of that nightmare, and I don't even know what made it happen in the first place... I'm so paranoid, waiting for it to happen again.

[It's why he can't sleep, or eat, or relax this whole week except when he absolutely has to. It's killed his urge to do anything but curl up in a ball and wait until something changes for the better, and that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.]

[So, not all the time... Honestly, Teddy's glad it isn't. How would Billy be able to sleep at all, or eat, or take a shower or go outside, if it was happening to him all the time? He'd wither away and...

Teddy shuts his eyes briefly, just to clear his head, then opens them again to think for another moment. This isn't normal, and - god, why do all these things happen to Billy? Why can't they target him once in a while?]

When that happens... stop everything and come to me, all right? You don't have to keep hiding it when it happens... I might not know how to stop it right now, but I can let you know that you're not back there anymore. I can help you... I'll do whatever I can for it.

[A thought occurs to him then.] Maybe we can talk to other people who went on the draft, too. Ask if they're going through the same thing.

[Billy glances sidelong at Teddy for that, uneasy, but also thoughtful as he considers the words. It's possible - likely, even - that he isn't alone with this. He's not sure if that makes him feel better or worse.

I'd hate anyone else to have to suffer this... but...

...it would be proof that I'm not going crazy, at least.]

Maybe. Maybe... it's the price we have to pay. For letting ourselves die.

[Everyone loses something when they die here, don't they? A sense, a power, a memory. Some part of themselves, big or small. So he gets to lose, what? His peace of mind?

Hah. Not like he had much of that to begin with, anyway.]

...I'm sorry... I'm glad to be back, I really am... I'm glad I'm not dead. I'm glad you saved me. I'm not ungrateful, just... distracted, I guess.

[He tries to smile again, struggling with it. Teddy's worried enough. He wants to feel better, he truly does. It's just going to take more than magic is all.]

It wasn't that you guys let yourselves die. They put you into that. They should answer for it, not punish everyone.

[Teddy's adamant about that; he's not about to let Billy or anyone else blame themselves for something that ultimately wasn't their fault. It's not them, it's the twisted bastards who send them out there in the first place. They knew the battle was lost, so why send them out, only to let them die?

No, it's not a price they "have" to pay. It's something being forced on them for something they couldn't help, and that's unfair.

With a sigh, Teddy calms himself down a little, feeling more angry at the Malnosso and their complete disregard for everyone, again, than anything. He shuts his eyes, slides his hand down to Billy's back and strokes along the spine, his touch gentle and supportive.]

You're not just distracted, I know you're not. Don't pretend you're feeling any less than what you're feeling now... and don't feel like you need to get better faster. I don't care how long this takes... I'll help you work through this.

...Mm.

[Billy debates fighting that, then mentally berates himself for even letting the thought come to mind. He'd be an idiot not to let Teddy help; his resistance is just another failing defense that's going to hurt him if he caves in to it. Like his silence, his sleep issues, everything that's been turned upside-down since he came back.

With a quiet groan he leans in and burrows his face against Teddy's shirt, as if the act alone - or the connection, more like - could banish all his worries.]

I'm just... so tired... but then when I close my eyes, I'm right back there...

[His voice is muffled, but just clear enough to let Teddy hear it. It takes effort not to hide it, but he knows he needs to let Teddy help.]

And that was... just the first day...

[Teddy wraps both arms around him this time and lowers his head to brush his nose against Billy's hair. He's silently relieved that Billy's still talking; with him clamming up so much, Teddy wondered if he wasn't being trusted with this. If it was because he wasn't there and couldn't possibly understand, or anything else like that. And he hates the thought that Billy would push him away, especially since they're engaged...

But he's talking now. It took a bit of pushing, but he is, and that's such a relief. Even if the talking is nothing but horrible things... it's still something. It's still them letting out what they need to let out.]

What else happened?

[It doesn't take Billy as long to respond this time, which is... progress? He'll call it progress. 'A lack of restraint' is too negative for his self-worth right now.]

After that... I thought- no, I knew I couldn't just hide in the medic tent and pretend it was safe. When we were brought back, it was- it was days before. The battle hadn't even started. I don't know how- I don't know how it works, but- time travel, right?

[He laughs faintly, a pathetic sound that has no humour, but the attempt is there. It's short-lived. Nothing's funny about time travel anymore.]

We only had three days... and if we failed again, we'd die for real. No going back, not even after a week. I had to fight. There wasn't a choice anymore. I thought I could do it. That I'd be strong enough somehow. I had to get home, right? I had to come home to you...

[He couldn't so much as think about there being another option. Dying was unthinkable- all he'd had to consider was Teddy's expression if he was told.]

[He tries to think of it, of Billy dying without a chance of coming back out there. And he finds that the thought causes unbearable pain, because a future without Billy isn't one that he wants. He can't imagine a future without his fiancé at his side, and even if he could, he'd absolutely despise living in a place ruled by the people who killed him.

The thought makes Teddy hold him a little tighter, lips pressing to his hair for a moment. He's about to tell him that he did come back, he's here in his arms and made it through. But with Billy talking like he didn't do it... There's obviously more to it.]

[Billy shudders, fingers clenching in Teddy's shirt. He doesn't want this memory anymore. He doesn't want to say it. He doesn't want to share how badly he'd failed.]

I'm so stupid... I screwed up, Teddy... I thought I could help, but I just- I got in trouble, I got hit by one of those- shift soldiers, the ones who can kill your powers. My magic wasn't working, and they were chasing me... Thor found me. He saved me...

[His throat constricts, and he has to stop for a minute, trying to steady his breath. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to say it. Saying it makes it real. It makes it worse, it...

...he wants to know... why I'm hurting. Why I'm having these nightmares.

He wants to help me...

He can practically hear his mother prodding at him to carry on. God, but her presence would be a blessing right now. But Teddy's here instead, managing this mess on his own, and at least he's trying rather than just ignoring it like Billy'd tried to do all week. He's helping more than anyone could ever hope. Billy won't forget that.

So, finally, reluctantly, he continues.]

He beat the cultists, but... then the shift hunters came. Those dog things... no, they were monsters. [He likes dogs. Dogs are cute and huffy and unconditionally loving and lick your face off if you leave them for more than ten minutes. These were nothing like dogs.] Thor tried to get us out of there... we almost made it. But they pulled him down, so he told me to fly us out instead. I tried... I tried, I did... I cast as hard as I could, I was focusing just like we practiced, and I could feel the magic there, but... but it wouldn't... I couldn't...

[His voice breaks again, and he has to stop again, burrowing once more like a scared child. With his face pressed tightly to Teddy's shirt the tears finally come, trickling down his cheeks, just a few drops at first, but once he gets started he can't seem to stop. His breath heaves with a sob, and all he can do is make himself breathe for a little while. It helps, the way Teddy's holding him, the way he's touching him. Soothing, warm, a constant presence that reminds him that he's home now. Safe. Not there anymore.

Eventually he speaks again, his voice barely a whisper.]

...they... they ripped his arm off, Tee...

[It's all he can say. The memory's too horrible; he can still feel the blood on his face sometimes, coating his skin and staining his clothes. His costume had been so wretched he'd nearly burned it when they got back to Luceti. Thor's blood. The blood of a hero he couldn't save.]

Pretty sure I'll be the exact opposite of disappointed, actually.

[Since Teddy isn't as tired as Billy, he at least makes the effort to undo his pants and leave them in the corner, leaving him in his shirt and underwear. Once that's taken care of, he takes Billy's invitation and joins him under the covers, already cuddling up to him since he's the one who'll be arranging the covers around them.]

You're going to do great. I know you will.

Can do.

[It only takes him a couple of seconds to pour her a glass and hand it over, and then a few more to start the kettle boiling and get a mug ready. Pointless delaying, and they both know it, but somehow he feels a little more relaxed by the time he turns back to her, brows lifting, cautiously curious.

He's unsure, but still interested in what she came here for.]

I wish... I could be as sure as you.

[Billy drags the blanket back over them both and curls himself around Teddy, burying his face in Teddy's hair. It's uncanny, really, how humbling it is to hear those words. To hear the one that he'd hurt the most with his magic all but admitting that he's glad of this, that he knows Billy can do great things again.

Maybe he can do this, after all.]

But I'll try. As long as you believe in me, as long as you're okay with this... I'll try.

[....Ohgod. Watching is almost agonizing, and hearing those words in his ear, so close, hot breath on his skin... ohgod. He mouths it at first, then says it aloud, hips lifting to grind his crotch against Teddy's, trying not to interfere with his prep work but needing, needing the contact.]

I was ready... like... five minutes ago...

[Patience is not his strong suit at this point. And it's not like he'd ever push Teddy into hurrying for his sake and hurt himself, but he can't help sounding a little urgent, the need and eagerness betrayed by his tone.]

Teddy...

[Please, please be ready soon. Oh my god.]

[Teddy practically purrs out his groan against Billy's ear, and as he sits back up, he feels like he's sufficiently stretched and ready. Which is a good thing, because Billy sounds like he wants to get on with this right away, and quite frankly, so does Teddy.]

Yeah, yeah... okay... think I'm good...

[He pulls his fingers away and brushes them against Billy's erection, grinning headily once he feels the condom on and ready for him, and holds it by the base to keep it steady. He wants to say something, do something, but at the same time he feels like just getting on with it already; everything else can come later. With that in mind, Teddy scoots himself back until he's back over Billy's arousal, gives his fiancé a slow smirk, then starts to lower himself, sinking himself down and finally, finally feeling Billy enter him.

The sensation makes that smirk fade as he shuts his eyes and tips his head back, then let out a quiet little sound once he's taken Billy in fully. Oh god, oh god, this is going to be great...]

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th] it's because his player's an ass, teddy

[Action, May 30th] WHAT AN ASSHOLE

[Action, May 30th] i know right i hate them gosh

[Action, May 30th] hey now teddy's player is wonderful

[Action, May 30th] singular 'they' dear

[Action, May 30th] oh well then yes

[Action, May 30th] YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE SO QUICKLY...

[Action, May 6th]

action

[Action, May 6th]

[Action, March 14th]

[Action, March 14th]