selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[So, not all the time... Honestly, Teddy's glad it isn't. How would Billy be able to sleep at all, or eat, or take a shower or go outside, if it was happening to him all the time? He'd wither away and...

Teddy shuts his eyes briefly, just to clear his head, then opens them again to think for another moment. This isn't normal, and - god, why do all these things happen to Billy? Why can't they target him once in a while?]

When that happens... stop everything and come to me, all right? You don't have to keep hiding it when it happens... I might not know how to stop it right now, but I can let you know that you're not back there anymore. I can help you... I'll do whatever I can for it.

[A thought occurs to him then.] Maybe we can talk to other people who went on the draft, too. Ask if they're going through the same thing.

[Billy glances sidelong at Teddy for that, uneasy, but also thoughtful as he considers the words. It's possible - likely, even - that he isn't alone with this. He's not sure if that makes him feel better or worse.

I'd hate anyone else to have to suffer this... but...

...it would be proof that I'm not going crazy, at least.]

Maybe. Maybe... it's the price we have to pay. For letting ourselves die.

[Everyone loses something when they die here, don't they? A sense, a power, a memory. Some part of themselves, big or small. So he gets to lose, what? His peace of mind?

Hah. Not like he had much of that to begin with, anyway.]

...I'm sorry... I'm glad to be back, I really am... I'm glad I'm not dead. I'm glad you saved me. I'm not ungrateful, just... distracted, I guess.

[He tries to smile again, struggling with it. Teddy's worried enough. He wants to feel better, he truly does. It's just going to take more than magic is all.]

It wasn't that you guys let yourselves die. They put you into that. They should answer for it, not punish everyone.

[Teddy's adamant about that; he's not about to let Billy or anyone else blame themselves for something that ultimately wasn't their fault. It's not them, it's the twisted bastards who send them out there in the first place. They knew the battle was lost, so why send them out, only to let them die?

No, it's not a price they "have" to pay. It's something being forced on them for something they couldn't help, and that's unfair.

With a sigh, Teddy calms himself down a little, feeling more angry at the Malnosso and their complete disregard for everyone, again, than anything. He shuts his eyes, slides his hand down to Billy's back and strokes along the spine, his touch gentle and supportive.]

You're not just distracted, I know you're not. Don't pretend you're feeling any less than what you're feeling now... and don't feel like you need to get better faster. I don't care how long this takes... I'll help you work through this.

...Mm.

[Billy debates fighting that, then mentally berates himself for even letting the thought come to mind. He'd be an idiot not to let Teddy help; his resistance is just another failing defense that's going to hurt him if he caves in to it. Like his silence, his sleep issues, everything that's been turned upside-down since he came back.

With a quiet groan he leans in and burrows his face against Teddy's shirt, as if the act alone - or the connection, more like - could banish all his worries.]

I'm just... so tired... but then when I close my eyes, I'm right back there...

[His voice is muffled, but just clear enough to let Teddy hear it. It takes effort not to hide it, but he knows he needs to let Teddy help.]

And that was... just the first day...

[Teddy wraps both arms around him this time and lowers his head to brush his nose against Billy's hair. He's silently relieved that Billy's still talking; with him clamming up so much, Teddy wondered if he wasn't being trusted with this. If it was because he wasn't there and couldn't possibly understand, or anything else like that. And he hates the thought that Billy would push him away, especially since they're engaged...

But he's talking now. It took a bit of pushing, but he is, and that's such a relief. Even if the talking is nothing but horrible things... it's still something. It's still them letting out what they need to let out.]

What else happened?

[It doesn't take Billy as long to respond this time, which is... progress? He'll call it progress. 'A lack of restraint' is too negative for his self-worth right now.]

After that... I thought- no, I knew I couldn't just hide in the medic tent and pretend it was safe. When we were brought back, it was- it was days before. The battle hadn't even started. I don't know how- I don't know how it works, but- time travel, right?

[He laughs faintly, a pathetic sound that has no humour, but the attempt is there. It's short-lived. Nothing's funny about time travel anymore.]

We only had three days... and if we failed again, we'd die for real. No going back, not even after a week. I had to fight. There wasn't a choice anymore. I thought I could do it. That I'd be strong enough somehow. I had to get home, right? I had to come home to you...

[He couldn't so much as think about there being another option. Dying was unthinkable- all he'd had to consider was Teddy's expression if he was told.]

[He tries to think of it, of Billy dying without a chance of coming back out there. And he finds that the thought causes unbearable pain, because a future without Billy isn't one that he wants. He can't imagine a future without his fiancé at his side, and even if he could, he'd absolutely despise living in a place ruled by the people who killed him.

The thought makes Teddy hold him a little tighter, lips pressing to his hair for a moment. He's about to tell him that he did come back, he's here in his arms and made it through. But with Billy talking like he didn't do it... There's obviously more to it.]

[Billy shudders, fingers clenching in Teddy's shirt. He doesn't want this memory anymore. He doesn't want to say it. He doesn't want to share how badly he'd failed.]

I'm so stupid... I screwed up, Teddy... I thought I could help, but I just- I got in trouble, I got hit by one of those- shift soldiers, the ones who can kill your powers. My magic wasn't working, and they were chasing me... Thor found me. He saved me...

[His throat constricts, and he has to stop for a minute, trying to steady his breath. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to say it. Saying it makes it real. It makes it worse, it...

...he wants to know... why I'm hurting. Why I'm having these nightmares.

He wants to help me...

He can practically hear his mother prodding at him to carry on. God, but her presence would be a blessing right now. But Teddy's here instead, managing this mess on his own, and at least he's trying rather than just ignoring it like Billy'd tried to do all week. He's helping more than anyone could ever hope. Billy won't forget that.

So, finally, reluctantly, he continues.]

He beat the cultists, but... then the shift hunters came. Those dog things... no, they were monsters. [He likes dogs. Dogs are cute and huffy and unconditionally loving and lick your face off if you leave them for more than ten minutes. These were nothing like dogs.] Thor tried to get us out of there... we almost made it. But they pulled him down, so he told me to fly us out instead. I tried... I tried, I did... I cast as hard as I could, I was focusing just like we practiced, and I could feel the magic there, but... but it wouldn't... I couldn't...

[His voice breaks again, and he has to stop again, burrowing once more like a scared child. With his face pressed tightly to Teddy's shirt the tears finally come, trickling down his cheeks, just a few drops at first, but once he gets started he can't seem to stop. His breath heaves with a sob, and all he can do is make himself breathe for a little while. It helps, the way Teddy's holding him, the way he's touching him. Soothing, warm, a constant presence that reminds him that he's home now. Safe. Not there anymore.

Eventually he speaks again, his voice barely a whisper.]

...they... they ripped his arm off, Tee...

[It's all he can say. The memory's too horrible; he can still feel the blood on his face sometimes, coating his skin and staining his clothes. His costume had been so wretched he'd nearly burned it when they got back to Luceti. Thor's blood. The blood of a hero he couldn't save.]

[They ripped his arm off.

He can't even imagine it. Thor, the mighty Thor, bested and downed in such a violent way, and his boyfriend had to see it, had to feel like it was his fault, even when it really wasn't. God, god... Teddy had heard about some of the horrors, dealt with some of them himself, but he'd never thought it was this bad. His heart thuds painfully in his chest, not just for Billy but for the image in his head, for Thor, for everyone who had to fight in such a way.

He can't even imagine it...

All he can do is let out a whispered "Oh my god..." before he tries to do something else for him. He shifts, as much as his clothes can let him, to be a little bigger, a little greener, a little more like Hulkling form. His arms easily cover Billy's smaller frame, and they keep him to his chest to let him cry as much as he needs to.

He keeps thinking he should say something to this, needs to say something... but he can't. All the words he want to say don't sound appropriate to what he just heard, the revelation that Thor had his arm ripped off... He feels useless, so he does all he can do.

He just holds him, a large hand stroking Billy's hair while he shut his eyes against the images in his head. He can't even imagine it...]

[For a while, Billy just cries. It's the first time he's let himself really cry since the draft; he'd been telling himself over and over that he'd be fine if he just sucked it up and tried to forget, if he kept reaching for it, peace of mind would eventually meet him in the middle somewhere. So far it hasn't worked, and it's never taken Billy Kaplan long to crack under the pressure.

He can feel Teddy shifting against him, getting bigger, and although he can't see the colour through his tears, he can tell by the size that his boyfriend changed to Hulkling in the middle of that painful silence, broken only by his own sobs. He feels a rush of gratefulness, his grip tightening, even as he trembles and chokes out another broken sound. He tries to swallow it, tries to let that strong, soothing presence ease the horror of those memories, if only to give Teddy some sign that he is helping, even just a little. It takes some time, but he finally manages to settle enough to speak again. It's quiet, somewhat hoarse, but his grip is still strong.]

I'm sorry... god, I'm so sorry...

[Sorry for being a mess, sorry for being unable to stop it, sorry for sharing that horrible memory? He's not even sure. He's felt the urge to apologize incessantly since he saw Thor die and admitting what happened hasn't done a thing for such inclinations.]

[Sorry... for what? Teddy wants to ask, but he's not sure he'll get a clear answer. Billy's been apologizing like this since they got back, and even on the draft. He shouldn't have to... and Teddy hates that he's stuck on this, hates that he thinks all of this is his fault when it isn't.

God, he hates this place and the people who run it. If he could see them and break their bones - oh, that day would only come too soon.

But as it stands, he can't do that. What he can do is be here for his boyfriend, know that he's needed, and do his best to be the best fiancé he can be for him. A thought occurs to him, and he lowers his head to speak quietly, though enough for Billy to hear.]

I feel like it's not really me you're apologizing to...

[Billy coughs out a brief laugh at that, the sound halfway a sob, and sniffs to try and disguise it. At least a sob is just more of the same; fake laughter isn't the nicest thing he could be offering Teddy right now.]

I don't... even know. So much has happened now that I regret...

[It feels like their abduction and his subsequent loss of magic control was just the starting point to their spiral into misery, with more downs than ups for more reasons than he can count. And while certain ups - the ring around his finger in particular - made it so that the downs couldn't overwhelm them entirely, they sure did their best to keep them a step away from drowning. And he's so, so tired of treading water without a foothold or a decent rest.]

We just left him there, Teddy... he died, and we left him because we couldn't fight. Because I couldn't cast one stupid spell. I'm no Avenger... I'm not even good enough to be a sidekick.

[Yeah, this is more about letting Billy spill out what's bothering him and what happened back on the draft. But this is getting too far into territory that Teddy doesn't want Billy going down - this dark road of feeling worthless. He's not going to let Billy travel that without a fight.

So he pulls back enough to put his hands on Billy's shoulders and look at his face, shrinking back down to his normal form to make it easier on him.]

Hey, stop. You said you got hit by one of those shift soldiers, right? The ones that kill your powers? Besides, you've only been at your magic for what, three weeks or so? It's the timing of this stupid war, not your... skill, or anything. I'd rather have you getting back into magic when you're comfortable doing it, not forcing yourself back into it. That's why I waited all that time.

[He lets out a small sigh.] Billy... I know this isn't going to make you feel instantly better or anything, and that's okay. Just take it one step at a time, all right? Don't feel like you have to... rush it just for me. But... you know what? I still think I proposed to a superhero. And I don't think I'm going to stop feeling that way any time soon.

[Billy falls into another bout of stubborn silence at that, quieter this time without tears or sniffling. His head is slightly bowed, and he can't quite bring himself to meet Teddy's gaze. Proposed to a superhero... but he hadn't even been using magic back then. He'd just been plain, ordinary helpless Billy Kaplan, who used to be - and was still trying to build up to again - someone who didn't care what others thought of him, but who always wanted to be more for his own sake. But more became a lot more, and that became too much, and now... now he has no idea. He's back to wanting more because he wasn't good enough, strong enough, to save his heroes.

At least... not Thor. And while the regret still burns at him, Teddy's right about one thing: rushing this will surely cause problems, like what had happened before. It's better this way. Even if it's not enough.

He chews nervously on his lower lip, then hesitantly lifts his head, just enough to meet Teddy's eyes for a moment.]

I think... I think I helped Cap get away, after. When we were running... my magic started working again. I put them to sleep.

[He'd passed out, then, but when he'd woken up it had been only an hour later instead of a week, and Steve was nowhere to be found but at least he hadn't been dead. That was... something, right?]

[Teddy nods, making a small, encouraging smile come up. This is something, definitely something, and it's a step in the right direction. Regretting that something happened is okay, but focusing solely on that... it only hurts in the long run, only causes more sorrow than anything. Thinking about something good is so much better, and honestly not something Teddy expected from Billy - in a good way, of course.]

See, there you go. You saved Cap from them. [After all, if they took down Thor, then what would they do to Cap? Billy probably saved his life there.] I know it's hard to see good things when there's really bad things in the way of it... but that was a really good thing you did.

...Mm.

[He sniffles one more time and wipes at his nose, ducking his head again uncertainly. It is hard to imagine any of what happened could be a good thing, but Teddy's right, and that's exactly why he needs to push himself in that direction. Bad experiences can have good moments. Even if he still feels like the problem had been his fault, he'd resolved it. Too late for Thor, but... not too late for Cap.]

I should... talk to him. Sometime. Just to...

[He gestures somewhat uncertainly; to check on him? He's a grown superhero, like he needs some kid chasing after him to see if he's okay. Apologize? Yeah, that sounds more accurate. He should definitely apologize.]

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th] it's because his player's an ass, teddy

[Action, May 30th] WHAT AN ASSHOLE

[Action, May 30th] i know right i hate them gosh

[Action, May 30th] hey now teddy's player is wonderful

[Action, May 30th] singular 'they' dear

[Action, May 30th] oh well then yes

[Action, May 30th] YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE SO QUICKLY...

[Action, May 30th] I'LL AGREE A LOT LESS QUICKLY...?

[Action, May 30th] I will accept this neutral ground

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]

[Action, May 30th]