selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What happened is not your fault. It's the Malnosso's.

[Bulla continues to give Billy a hug for a few moments longer, because she's not buying that he's okay, no matter what he might say. She'll only move out of the hug when it starts to become awkward. It seems like he could use a few hugs from friends, if only to remind him that he still has friends.]

Apologizing is good, but don't beat yourself up over this, okay? The Malnosso suck, whereas Billy Kaplan is generally a pretty cool and nice guy.

[That's nice to hear. It does get her a tiny smile, though he doesn't look like he really believes her.]

They gave me the power to do it. But... I still chose to. They handed me a loaded gun and I fired. It's still my mistake.

They gave you the power and they created the circumstances to set you off. And you know what? You didn't use your powers to destroy, or even to try to rule over everyone here. You used them to try to give people lives where they'd be happy.

[She's not completely excusing everything, but she is shifting the weight of the blame where it belongs.]

Is it okay to tamper with people's lives? No. But were you in a position to make completely rational decisions? No. Was that the Malnosso's fault? Yes.

Is benevolent manipulation any better than the alternative?

[It sounds nice, but he doesn't really feel any better.]

And what about Teddy? I hurt him... I made that fake...

Intent is always something to factor in, Billy. You wanted to help people, not hurt them, and now that you realize that you did hurt people, you feel guilty and want to make things right.

[She's adamant about reinforcing that he's ultimately a good person in spite of what had happened.]

If you were a terrible person, you'd be complaining that people weren't grateful for what you'd done for them instead of apologizing. As for Teddy...you know him much better than I do, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's already forgiven you.

...Yeah, he... has. I think.

[Teddy's always been good at hiding how he truly feels, but it... seems real? As much as Billy can garner from their interactions. And it does him no favours to doubt his own boyfriend's feelings on the matter.]

Maybe he's too forgiving...

Or maybe he just knows you well enough to know that you wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone and he's forgiven you because he loves you.

[She's almost tempted to give him another hug, but she doesn't want to make things weird. She just wants to be a supportive friend.]

Now you need to forgive yourself.

Ha... I don't know if that's even possible.

[It's been hard to imagine anyone forgiving him, least of all himself.

Though apparently certain others are more forgiving than he is.]

It might take you some time, Billy...but just remember. The fact that you're feeling guilty for what happened is part of what makes you a good person. And you know what? Even if your powers are kind of dangerous, I trust you with them because you're a good person who wants to help people. Whether or not you ever use them again.

[She thinks he probably will, one day...but if he needs some time off from using them because of the guilt he's feeling, she's not going to push him and tell him it's stupid to not want to use them.]

[It's not that he doesn't appreciate what she's trying to do... it's more that it's impossible for him to believe in it just yet. He smiles quietly and files those words away for the future. Maybe... eventually, he'll get there.]

Thanks... I really do appreciate it. Your trust, I mean.

I do hope you'll at least let yourself use your powers to fly. I mean, I could carry you to take you flying with me, but that's totally not the same.

[She's being lightly playful in an effort to cheer him up. It might not do much, but if she can help him smile for a little while today, that's something. She's made it clear that she still likes and trusts him, in spite of what happened, so she's said the most important things that she wanted to say.]

...We'll see.

[He's not going to make any promises. For him, no magic means no magic- it's all or nothing. Even the smallest spells can lead to bigger ones, and that's a slippery slope he can't risk sliding down right now. Not when it's so soon after what happened.]

Fair enough. In the meantime, if you ever want a distraction, let me know. When you're feeling a little better, we could work on organizing a social event or something.

[Not that she thinks he'll be up to working on anything of the sort in the near future, but having something constructive to work on will probably help.]

...I think... that'd be a good idea.

[There's a definite "eventually" that is unspoken in his tone. No way is he up for it any time soon, but he can at least acknowledge that it's a good suggestion.]

Let me know when you're up to it. In the meantime, if you ever need someone to talk to that wasn't directly caught up in everything, you can always talk to me.

[She's gotten involved through finding the real Teddy and giving him some of her ki, but her reality hadn't been toyed with. She's in the position of knowing just what happened, without the trauma.]

...Ah... thanks for that, too. I kind of feel like I've said all there is to say about it at this point, though... I mean, what would be the point?

[He'd just be reiterating what he's already said, except this way it'd be some pathetic cry for sympathy. And that's the last thing he deserves now.]

The point would be to have a friend who's there to listen to you, Billy.

[There doesn't have to be more of a point to it than that. Friends listen to each other's complaints and concerns. It's a part of being a friend.]

Specifically a friend who knows what happened, but wasn't as affected as others.

Yeah, I know.

[It is tempting. He just can't help wondering if it's too self-indulgent. That's how this whole mess started.]

Is it crazy to think that I don't really... deserve it? Like... I caused all that damage. I hurt people. I'm not the one who's supposed to get this.

It's not crazy. That's the guilt talking.

[She understands it's not something he can just easily shake off. If anything, that's part of why she can continue to have faith in him as a person. Because he recognizes that it is wrong to tamper with people's lives, even if he had the best of intentions.]

The thing is, what happened then doesn't erase all the good things you've done before. It doesn't suddenly make you an awful person who doesn't deserve friends. It means you messed up once when the Malnosso set you up to do just that.

[He wonders about that.

How much good do you have to do to balance the scales on this much awful? Because what happened back home - saving some people from a fire and killing Kang doesn't really seem like a lot. They'd screwed up at Kate's sister's wedding, they'd made a mess of the Runaways rescue, and then he'd gotten himself captured like three seconds into the fight with Iron Man's SRA-registered Avengers. And here? God, it's been hit and miss since he came here, too.

It doesn't feel like much.]

But it means I'm easily manipulated. That's not... very heroic.

Billy, you don't have to be perfect to be a hero. Being a hero is about helping others and having courage. Including the courage to get back up again and try after you stumble and fall.

[She might not consider herself much of a hero, but she's grown up surrounded by people who have contributed toward saving the world. Not a single one of them is perfect and she admires them all anyway.]

And if that means your friends have to offer you a helping hand so you can get back up, that's not something to be ashamed of. It means that people like you enough to want to be there.

I'm not ashamed of that...

[There's a lot of what she says that he needs to think about- the definition of a hero, the strength that being one requires, how much you can take before you get to decide whether or not you're worthy. And... whether or not he even wants it anymore.

But that? He understands that. He knows his own limits.]

On my own, I can't do much. That's always been the case. There's... no shame in accepting help from people.

[He just feels like he hasn't earned it, that's all.]

No, there isn't. And it's up to each individual person if they think you deserve their support or not. I've decided you deserve mine.

[Her tone is both gentle and firm. Much of this is something he has to resolve for himself. If she can chip away even just a little at the idea that he doesn't deserve friendship and get him to accept that there are still people who like him and want to associate with him, that's a start.]

[He doesn't really have a proper response to that - besides humbled gratefulness - so he murmurs another "thank you" and remains silent. He really doesn't know how to handle how kind everyone's being about all of this.]

[Bulla reaches over to give Billy a light pat on the side of his arm.]

When you're up to it, we'll hang out and plan stuff. Until then, if you need a distraction, just let me know, all right?

[There's not really much more to say now. Mostly she just wants him to know he's got friends willing to support him.]

[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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