selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[Not so long as he might hope, but only because concern wins out. Non-committal are never good, and the mention of the last time they had seen each other on top of that is more than enough for her expression to dim.]

Yeah. It has. [She gives herself just a second to breathe, in and out, before she motions toward the seating area with a hand. Billy definitely seems like he's there for a reason, and Pepper somehow doubts it has to do with any artwork this time.]

Do you want to sit down? I get the impression you didn't just come to see how I was doing.

[He wishes he could delay this, converse aimlessly and admire the art - it's grown since he was last here - but that wouldn't be fair to her. He's not allowed to have the luxury of enjoying a nice chat before he ruins any illusions she might have about his character.

So he glances away, uncomfortable, and grips his arm with one hand, unconsciously shrinking back. He doesn't want to do this, he doesn't, he...]

Is there a place we can... talk privately?

[He has to do this.]

[That catches her off guard; the increasingly obvious level of discomfort is bad enough, but when Billy asks to talk privately Pepper can only dread whatever's to come. He hasn't been to the house in some time; could it have to do with Tony's therapy? She doesn't know, but whatever it is probably will be better dealt with if there's no delay.]

Sure. [With a gesture for Billy to follow, Pepper heads back to the office she keeps. Once they're both in she shuts the door behind them, motioning for Billy to take a seat as she does the same.]

What's going on, Billy?

[He's tempted not to sit - he feels like he should be ready to jump up and get the hell out because she's never going to want to see him again after this, surely - but it'll just make the conversation more uncomfortable if he doesn't. After a long moment of hesitation, he sit down heavily in the chair, hands clasped in his lap, gaze fixated on them. He's afraid to look her in the eye.]

Last month... was really bad. Teddy and I were kidnapped, and... they did something-

[Making excuses, delaying, you coward, just say it-]

...They sent me back. With... too much power, or... something. I cast a spell.

[His gaze flits up towards her, briefly, then back down again, frightened.]

It wasn't a shift. What happened to you, and Tony, and... [God, so many people.] It wasn't. It was me...

[He starts of understating things; last month had held the worst experience of Pepper's life, because for a few precious days she had everything she ever wanted but couldn't truly obtain. At first she thinks Billy is going to tell her something similar, some story of how his own happiness was ripped away and the emptiness tearing at him still. But instead he talks of a kidnapping Pepper hasn't heard of until now, then alters course and says something that takes her completely by surprise.]

What? [Her eyes go wide, and in the same moment numbness grips her head to toe. Her mind is slow to wrap around what he's just told her, hindered by countless memories that come to mind, all of which refuse to reconcile with what he's just claimed.]

I... [She shakes her head slowly, staring at him in disbelief. What he's said simply doesn't make sense, and in turn she can't even begin to grasp it.] I don't understand.

[He can't blame her, there. He doesn't even understand it entirely, himself. He remembers doing those things, remembers thinking and feeling and believing it to be the right thing... at the time. But he doesn't understand it. The logic isn't there anymore. It didn't make sense, why he'd made those choices.

He still can't look at her.]

I... changed reality. I dragged people into it. I thought... I...

[He wasn't thinking. That's the crutch of it, isn't it? He wasn't thinking. Kate had tried to reason with him and he'd just given up.]

I wanted... everyone to be happy. It didn't work. And I'm... I'm sorry... I'm so, so, sorry...

[I wanted everyone to be happy.

Oh, and how happy they had been. Everything in the world had altered with the existence of two children, Susanna who had been the light of her parent's lives, and the unnamed creation who promised just as much joy. Billy doesn't look at Pepper and she doesn't see him in turn, though she still stares at him. It simply isn't the boy he's seeing, but sweet smiles and crayon pictures, a girl's face that held all the impishness of her father.

He says it didn't work, but he's wrong. Pepper couldn't have been happier. It just didn't last.]

How? [That's all she can manage to get out, and even that sole word sounds unsteady. Something like he's describing, altering memories and lives--that's the sort of thing she accounts to the Malnosso. It's easy to think it had been a shift, even now, because they've done things so like it in the past. How can Billy, Billy of all people, have managed something so similar and strong?]

[How? God, he wishes he knew that. At least then he'd be able to give people a decent answer for why. The questions have been chasing him for weeks and he's only just recently regained the clarity to understand what they even meant. His head is still a maze of thoughts and feelings that he didn't know were even possible before, thoughts about life and death and self-worth and repentance and...

It's just a mess. All of it- him, his relationships, the people he's hurt. There's no quick fix for this.]

I don't... I don't know. I'd tell you if I could. I'm not... supposed to have powers like that. No one is. It's too much. It was in my head, and it was so heavy, I... I thought... if I could just use it, if I could get it out of me, I could make... everything be okay again...

[Well. That's something Pepper can agree with, at least.

Because no, no one should be able to do what he'd done. To give people such a perfect dream, only to tear it away--no one should have that ability, much less the right, and yet Billy had claimed both. That a kidnapping had been the precursor to everything is a distant thought, and Pepper swallows hard with the realization that she truly can't reconcile this.]

How--how was that okay? [She knows that the end is not what he means, but it's all Pepper can see now. The end, when the certainty that her precious baby had never been born, never been real. When everything that she and Tony loved faded from around them. Nothing about it had been right or good or okay, and now, facing the person who had caused it, Pepper can't stop herself from lashing out.]

Do you even know what you did to us?

...I know. I know it's not... I know now, I just...

[Of course he knows. His magic had made it reality, at least for a little while. And it had never, ever been okay. In hindsight, it's so very, very obvious.]

If I could go back and change it... make it so I'd never, ever let it happen... I would. In a second. I'd...

[God, those feel even more empty than his apologies. Just a load of nonsense and wishes that accomplish nothing, nothing at all.]

...But I can't. Not now, and not then, either. I couldn't control it, and I couldn't hold on to it... I couldn't even stop on my own. Teddy and Natasha, they-

[He stops, grimaces, and looks down again. That isn't what's important here.]

...You had a right to know.

Something in her balked at the notion of that. Though they'd had her for too short a time, though Susanna had never truly been real (as Pepper told herself over and over to disconnect), Pepper only grew angrier at the idea of never having her at all. Perhaps it was motherly instinct, awoken by her existence and so slow to settle. A need to protect her child at any cost.

But there was still so much to process, so much she didn't know--and others to question, now that Pepper did. That horrified surprise renewed itself at the mention of Natasha's name, Natasha who Pepper saw as a best friend, who stood for her at her wedding, who had known and never said. But she needed to take this in pieces, one small fragment at a time, because otherwise she wouldn't be able to handle it and that couldn't happen now.

She wasn't the only one who had the right Billy mentioned, after all.

"Does Tony know yet?" He would, certainly, be it through Billy or Pepper herself. Already she doubted he'd been told, since Pepper suspected he would come to her first after. But she needed to be certain, and that was what she could bring herself to ask now, the one thought among a jumbled mess that found voice first.

Billy winced at that, keeping his eyes averted. Another conversation he wasn't not looking forward to having, but one that needed to.

"Not... not yet." His voice was reluctant, uneasy. Should he have gone to Tony first? His preference would have been to speak to them together, as a family, since that was what they were now, and that was what he'd torn apart. It was just bad luck that he had found her first, and alone. "...But he will. I'm telling everyone. It's not right... to keep it a secret. Not this."

People should know what they're dealing with, if they're associated with him. If they still even want to be. He's... not really setting his hopes high for that.

"Good. I'm going to be there when you tell him." Because there were few things Pepper had control over in this world, but she refused to let Tony hear this alone. She was having a hard enough time coming to terms with it herself--an impossible time, if she considered it honestly. Even Pepper couldn't say with certainty how Tony would react, save for one facet; she was sure he would take it worse.

Which was why she didn't demand Billy come with her to find him then. Pepper's eyes strayed down to the top of her desk, her mouth drawn into a tight line. She needed to somehow grasp what Billy had told her, before Tony was told. Whether Billy intended to find her alone or first or otherwise, he'd given her the chance to do that.

If only she could figure out how.

Billy had no particular argument against that, so once more he merely nodded, hands twisting nervously around one another. “Whatever you..” Want… “... think is best.”

Truth be told, now that she’d said it, he really did wish he’d waited until he found them at home together. It wasn’t right, doing it like this. Then again, nothing about this was right, was it?

God, he hated it. Everything about it. It just felt worse and worse the more people he met with.

That’s how it should be, though. It’s… not like this is for fun. It’s fair that it should hurt.

He wished he knew what else to say, though. How many ways can you apologize before it starts to feel empty? Has it just been empty all along?

She knew it was best, for her sake and Tony's moreso. Part of her wanted to stand up then, list off the small number of places she expected her husband to be and drag Billy after her to find him. But not before she had somehow find a way to resolve this for herself, or at the very least, come to terms with it in her mind.

"Can you still do it?" He'd implied not, mentioned the mallynap that served as the precursor to his spell. She needed the certainty of his answer, however, before she could move on. Whether or not Billy could change the world again if the whim struck, chant some string of words and glow blue; she wanted the reassurance that her heart wouldn't be toyed with again, not like that, or at least not by him.

He looked immediately stricken by the very suggestion, shrinking back and shaking his head like she'd asked him to rip someone's heart out. "No- god no, I'd never- even if I would, which I won't, I can't, I... I don't have that kind of power..."

He wished that helped, knowing that. The disconnect between his own abilities and the power that had created the spell. It didn't really, though. Certainly not for him. It just made him feel more pathetic than ever.

It helped her; maybe Billy could take some comfort in how Pepper let out a breath when he firmly claimed he couldn't, or how some of the tension bled out of her shoulders. That he lacked the will now was less comforting than the certainty of inability. The Malnosso would do as they always did, but Billy couldn't make those same mistakes on his own.

"Good." That one assurance helped settle a number of things for her; even if she couldn't understand what had happened in full, it was so much less likely she'd be faced with that same heart-wrenching agony again. She'd had too many of her dreams thrown in her face, things that could never be but that had been so beautiful while they were. Pepper didn't think she could take it happening again.

Still, there were matters to be dealt with. As was her way, Pepper closed off more emotional responses in favor of a professional manner. Billy had been a friend, a dear, precious person in their lives--but right now, Pepper simply couldn't see him as that. It hurt too much in light of what he'd revealed.

"I think that for now it might be best if you didn't come over to the house. Not after you tell Tony." For now, because she wouldn't cut off that avenue completely. She could give all of them that much. But in the end the answer was always time, and while it passed Pepper couldn't bring herself to let Billy into the home she was trying to rebuild with her husband.

He had expected that, but it still made him inhale sharply, the words stinging. His chest hurt, his heart pounding, and he clenched and unclenched his fists just to give his hands something to do, so he wouldn't feel so helpless in that moment. For months, more than a year, even, he'd been visiting that house, doing the odd chore here and there but mostly just visiting for the sake of visiting. He'd started out as just a fanboy and somewhere along the line become a friend.

And now? To hear that? To be just... cut off like that? It burned, and it took him a moment to remember how to breathe. He doesn't argue, though. He would never have assumed they'd want him to return, anyway. It was good-

....

It was... good... to get that confirmation. To have the question answered, to have that assumption taken out of his hands. So he merely nodded, his gaze trained on the floor.

"...I... understand. I won't... bother you."

Edited 2013-11-17 05:38 (UTC)

Despite everything, her own held in anger and sense of betrayal, Pepper couldn't help the sharp pang of guilt she felt at Billy's utter shock. Yes, Billy had been their frequent guest--Tony's even before Pepper's arrival in Luceti. But this wasn't something they could just forgive between breaths, and she knew that the separation was necessary, no matter how much that also hurt.

"We're just going to need some time." Days, weeks, longer; she truly didn't know. But the decision had been made and Billy agreed, even if part of her wanted to take it back now. She pressed her lips together, trying to think of what else to say, then slowly shook her head.

"Tony said he was working at the house today. He'll probably still be there." And now that this had all began Pepper wanted it over. There wasn't any way to prepare or to make what came next easier. She stood up, expecting Billy to follow her as she headed out of the office, and ultimately down the path to the house she shared with Tony.

"You don't have to... justify it, I..." He got it. He did, really. Everyone needed time. There was no cure-all for this. Much as he might like there to be, life didn't work like that. And wishing for it was just another kind of manipulation, a path he refused to walk down again.

He glanced back at the door, lips pursing, then he nodded, moving to follow her. No reason to... put it off, besides his own selfish fear. And what he wanted didn't matter anymore. "...Teddy's... waiting for me outside. I just need to tell him where we're going."

And then he'd do whatever she wanted.

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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alright i can't bracket anymore.

damn you people and your prose

somehow you'll survive

rude

/shrug

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