selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

I don't know - about an hour? I could come to you.

That's fine. I'll leave the door open.

[He can probably coax Teddy into taking Optimus out for a walk or something. And he definitely needs to shower after spending the whole day wallowing in his own angsty funk. An hour's perfect.]

All right. See you then.

[And then, later...

Knock, knock, Neo.]

[Billy's been waiting for her, so it only takes a moment for him to open the door for her, washed and dressed yet somehow still worse for wear. He hasn't been sleeping well, and it shows. There's a little black cat held in one arm and curled up against his shoulder, purring lazily; apparently she'd caught them mid-cuddle.

He smiles weakly at her, gesturing.]

Hey... come on in.

[In that moment, Rogue regrets her empty hands. It would have been nice to shove something into Billy's hands and distract the both of them from the tremendous air of awkwardness.

What had she come to say again?]

Thanks.

[And so she moves slowly forward.]

Edited 2014-06-08 00:02 (UTC)

[He doesn't let the smile last much longer than the greeting; he's not in the mood to force it, and he doubts she's here for that, anyway. He moves aside to let her in, shutting the door behind her and shooing the cat off to occupy herself elsewhere.]

You want a drink? I was thinking about making tea or something. Not usually a fan, but decaf's just not doing it for me right now.

[He has some herbal junk lying around somewhere in case Loki were to visit, he could dig it out. Pointless delays and formalities, but they're too ingrained to ignore.]

[Rogue shrugs. Uncomfortable. This whole thing was just so uncomfortable.]

If you want some tea, go ahead. I don't touch the stuff if I can help it.

[Unless it was sweet tea, she couldn't see the point.

At least the mention of tea hadn't got her crying, thinking of who usually drank tea around her. She glances around the apartment and decides letting Billy get her something would at least put something in her hands and maybe make him feel a little better too.]

I'd take some water, if you don't mind.

Can do.

[It only takes him a couple of seconds to pour her a glass and hand it over, and then a few more to start the kettle boiling and get a mug ready. Pointless delaying, and they both know it, but somehow he feels a little more relaxed by the time he turns back to her, brows lifting, cautiously curious.

He's unsure, but still interested in what she came here for.]

Thanks.

[She took the water and leaned back a little against the sofa.]

I want you to tell me what happened.

With... Loki? Are you sure I should be the one to tell it?

[He can't think of anything else she'd want him to explain. Belatedly, though, he realizes one other thing.]

...I guess it's pretty unlikely that he'll want to talk about it, though.

He'll tell me about it. [She speaks with confidence she doesn't really feel. He'll tell her about it, she's sure, if they're really okay.] You don't have to tell me everything - I don't need to know about the shift. What happened after?

[After? God, he wishes he knew anything about that. That's the part he's the least helpful about.]

Honestly, I... don't know much. He was injured- not bad, but enough- so I took him back to the medics to get it sorted. I thought he should get some rest, too. He said not to call you, but he wouldn't talk to me anymore... I thought maybe you could help him better than me.

[His reasons for not wanting to see Rogue were kind of dumb, anyway. Typical-Loki kind of dumb.]

Soon as I turned my back, though, he ran off. That was the last time I saw him before...

[Rogue absorbs that for a minute. She is very still during this time.]

...Gawd.

[What an idiot. What a self-centered, hurting, beyond stubborn idiot. Not call her? Not come to her? What a-- how could he? If she'd been forced to kill the person she loved most, she knew the only thing she'd want would be to see Loki. This was how he set out to prove that he didn't love her any less? By not coming to her? By cutting her out? Being stupid enough to run off and die because he didn't want to see her?

She looks away from Billy and shuts her eyes tightly, whispering.]

Damn it.

[He winces; yeah, he really wishes he had something better to share with her. If Loki had stayed, maybe they'd be in a different situation right now. If Loki had lived, they might not be talking at all.]

I'm sorry... I wish I'd stayed with him. I should have. I just never thought for a second that he'd leave...

[Certainly not that quickly.]

[When Rogue speaks, her voice is just a shade too tight to be completely tired and dull.]

You're not responsible for Loki's choices, Billy.

I know that. It's not what I meant.

[He sighs quietly, feeling equal parts sympathetic and frustrated; he's tired, too, and he has no idea what the hell to do about this.]

Just... I know him well enough to realize he might do something reckless.

Do ya know him well enough to attach him to a chair with superglue? [She ran both hands through her hair, a motion of extreme frustration.] Let it go. You can't pin Loki down unless he wants to stay.

[And didn't she know it.]

Yeah, I know that too.

[He still feels like there's more he could have done - even if he doesn't blame himself for Loki up and leaving, he still feels bad for not looking after a friend. Loki isn't the only one he lost out there.]

I just don't know what else to do while he's gone.

[Rogue exhales, her breath a little shaky. Then she stands, brushing herself off as if she could sweep away any troublesome emotions as easily as imaginary crumbs clinging to her from Billy's couch.]

Take care of yourself an' the people who're here. What else can you do?

Hah... I want to say there's plenty, but I don't really have any ideas or suggestions right now. I just feel like a mess. Can barely get myself out of bed.

[Rogue pauses, giving him a direct look. She doesn't move further.]

That bad?

...Pretty bad, yeah.

[He doesn't even have the energy to try lying about it. Maybe he's hoping he isn't the only one- but that's a bit of a dick thought, isn't it?]

[Rogue sank slowly back down into her seat.]

Tell me.

[Billy bites his lip, torn between misery and embarrassment for having been affected this badly. She's the first person that he's spoken to who was there - only Teddy knew, and he'd been with the reinforcements - so he has no way of knowing that he's not the only one.]

Back when we... died... that shift? When the bomb went off... there was that empty feeling for a while. Like I'd been eaten, like I was trapped in some big black stomach and it was full of eyes, watching me. I thought it would just be that one time, that it was the shift itself, but now that we're back... I keep dreaming about it. I feel like it's happening again, over and over. And even when I wake up, I can still feel it...

[...she'd wondered if that was just her or not.]

You're not the only one feelin' that way. [Her voice is quiet.] But we're not still back there. We're not dead.

May 27th, written

May 27th, written

May 27th, written - > action

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