selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

With... Loki? Are you sure I should be the one to tell it?

[He can't think of anything else she'd want him to explain. Belatedly, though, he realizes one other thing.]

...I guess it's pretty unlikely that he'll want to talk about it, though.

He'll tell me about it. [She speaks with confidence she doesn't really feel. He'll tell her about it, she's sure, if they're really okay.] You don't have to tell me everything - I don't need to know about the shift. What happened after?

[After? God, he wishes he knew anything about that. That's the part he's the least helpful about.]

Honestly, I... don't know much. He was injured- not bad, but enough- so I took him back to the medics to get it sorted. I thought he should get some rest, too. He said not to call you, but he wouldn't talk to me anymore... I thought maybe you could help him better than me.

[His reasons for not wanting to see Rogue were kind of dumb, anyway. Typical-Loki kind of dumb.]

Soon as I turned my back, though, he ran off. That was the last time I saw him before...

[Rogue absorbs that for a minute. She is very still during this time.]

...Gawd.

[What an idiot. What a self-centered, hurting, beyond stubborn idiot. Not call her? Not come to her? What a-- how could he? If she'd been forced to kill the person she loved most, she knew the only thing she'd want would be to see Loki. This was how he set out to prove that he didn't love her any less? By not coming to her? By cutting her out? Being stupid enough to run off and die because he didn't want to see her?

She looks away from Billy and shuts her eyes tightly, whispering.]

Damn it.

[He winces; yeah, he really wishes he had something better to share with her. If Loki had stayed, maybe they'd be in a different situation right now. If Loki had lived, they might not be talking at all.]

I'm sorry... I wish I'd stayed with him. I should have. I just never thought for a second that he'd leave...

[Certainly not that quickly.]

[When Rogue speaks, her voice is just a shade too tight to be completely tired and dull.]

You're not responsible for Loki's choices, Billy.

I know that. It's not what I meant.

[He sighs quietly, feeling equal parts sympathetic and frustrated; he's tired, too, and he has no idea what the hell to do about this.]

Just... I know him well enough to realize he might do something reckless.

Do ya know him well enough to attach him to a chair with superglue? [She ran both hands through her hair, a motion of extreme frustration.] Let it go. You can't pin Loki down unless he wants to stay.

[And didn't she know it.]

Yeah, I know that too.

[He still feels like there's more he could have done - even if he doesn't blame himself for Loki up and leaving, he still feels bad for not looking after a friend. Loki isn't the only one he lost out there.]

I just don't know what else to do while he's gone.

[Rogue exhales, her breath a little shaky. Then she stands, brushing herself off as if she could sweep away any troublesome emotions as easily as imaginary crumbs clinging to her from Billy's couch.]

Take care of yourself an' the people who're here. What else can you do?

Hah... I want to say there's plenty, but I don't really have any ideas or suggestions right now. I just feel like a mess. Can barely get myself out of bed.

[Rogue pauses, giving him a direct look. She doesn't move further.]

That bad?

...Pretty bad, yeah.

[He doesn't even have the energy to try lying about it. Maybe he's hoping he isn't the only one- but that's a bit of a dick thought, isn't it?]

[Rogue sank slowly back down into her seat.]

Tell me.

[Billy bites his lip, torn between misery and embarrassment for having been affected this badly. She's the first person that he's spoken to who was there - only Teddy knew, and he'd been with the reinforcements - so he has no way of knowing that he's not the only one.]

Back when we... died... that shift? When the bomb went off... there was that empty feeling for a while. Like I'd been eaten, like I was trapped in some big black stomach and it was full of eyes, watching me. I thought it would just be that one time, that it was the shift itself, but now that we're back... I keep dreaming about it. I feel like it's happening again, over and over. And even when I wake up, I can still feel it...

[...she'd wondered if that was just her or not.]

You're not the only one feelin' that way. [Her voice is quiet.] But we're not still back there. We're not dead.

I keep telling myself that. It helps, a little. I just wish it helped more.

[He wraps his arms across his chest, hugging himself awkwardly.]

Is this the penalty we get? Because we died, and didn't lose anything? I keep wondering what would be worse.

...we didn't get a penalty 'cause we didn't come back the normal way, Billy. 'cause we didn't die the normal way.

[She ran gloved hands through her hair, trying to ground herself.]

There ain't no exact science to time travel, as near as I can see. Maybe those feelings are just -- hiccups. We're still comin' all the way through.

[Billy laughs at that, briefly and somewhat bitterly. If shifts quickly into a grimace.]

Why do movies make time travel into something really cool or useful? This is my second time dealing with the after-effects, and they're just as crap this time as they were the last. If I go my whole life without another time travel situation I'll die the most grateful man alive.

I don't know. [She speaks slowly, and somehow manages to look smaller - like she's hunching defensively without actually moving.] I can't say I like the after-effects, but I like it better than bein' stuck there. If that was really what bein' sacrificed is like... there's no comin' back from that. And that wasn't a place I'd wanna stay.

...Yeah... yeah. No argument here. As scared of dying as I am, that... that was worse. It was like we existed just to be nothing. If that even makes sense.

[He's pretty sure it doesn't. The whole situation sucks, either way. He's never felt so lost in his life.]

I'm pretty sure I don't wanna think about it that long. What it was - what it was was bad. But what it is is over now. Gotta hold onto that - make a point of holdin' onto it. Or else it'll just sweep us all away.

That's... what I'm trying to do. I'm sure it's what all of us are trying to do. It'll just take a while.

[For some more than others; of that he has no doubts. And he's never been very good at dealing with such things.]

[Rogue rubs the back of her neck with a gloved hand.

Awkward. She's terrible at this.]

You... findin' a way to get it out?

[That makes them two of a kind, apparently.]

I wish. Magic's not doing it. Sleeping it off doesn't work. Meditation is a bust. I hear the next step is drugs and alcohol. Mom would be so proud.

[Goddammit, why did he say that? Now he feels even worse.]

...Sorry. If I figure out a way, I'll let you know.

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