selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

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[IC] Appointments Post

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Draw it. Write it. Make paper machce of it. Just get it out of your head.

[Rogue moves to sit across from him again. Apparently she is going to sit there and wait until Billy does something. She rubs her hands together, glances down at them, and then continues.]

I must've filled up and burned two notebooks already. You don't need to keep it. You just need to get it out. Put it someplace else so that you're in control of it, so that you can see it more clearly.

[What, you think Rogue hasn't been subjected to therapy herself?]

[Billy makes a soft humming noise at that, looking more thoughtful now, instead. Finally he digs a pencil out of a drawer in the side table, drums it against the page, and starts to doodle random shapes to start.]

I hadn't really thought to try it before, but... worth a shot. Maybe something good'll actually come out of it.

It's somethin' you can do by yourself when you can't sleep.

[Not that she's talking from experience or anything.]

But if you want, I'll sit right here until ya get somethin' down.

Mm.

[He continues with his random doodles for a long moment, considering the words, then stops, glancing up.]

Would it bother you if I did your portrait? I'm better with people.

[Rogue is sure that she looks like several layers of hell warmed over and is vain enough for that to matter and tired enough not to care.]

I don't mind if that'll get you started, but the important part is gettin' what's in here [she taps at her temple] down on there.

[He's at least sort of good at conveying how people can look rather than how they do at the time... sort of? It's the comic book style, no one looks like crap in comics.

That makes him pause, though, in the middle of a profile. Then he continues sketching, though his lips are drawn in a tight line.]

I'm not even sure how to visualize it properly. Just this... big black space in the page. A person drowning in nothing. How do you draw nothing?

[She shivers a little at his description. It's barely noticeable.]

You try. [Nope, no wiggling out of it, bub.] You put what you feel down on the paper, if you can't draw nothing. Try anyway.

[He stops drawing for a long moment, staring down at the page. He can't draw this. It's pretty; she's pretty, so of course he had to draw her that way. But nothing that he feels right now is pretty, or pleasant, or fun. He's not fooling anyone, least of all himself.

Finally he turns the page, moving on from the half-finished portrait, and starts a few silhouette- a body in the midst of black, vague and featureless except for an open, screaming mouth.

...Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, either. He's starting to tremble, hand jerking against the page and smudging the lead.]

[She can see him flip the page and then see the beginning of his trembling. She debates going to sit beside him, but it's touchy, because she wants to give him the privacy of his drawing. But he needs to know that he's in a safe place now. He can do this. He can face it. He can take control.]

It's all right. [Her voice is low and soothing.] You can do this. I'm right here. You can do this.

[I don't want to, he wants to say. I don't want to do this, I just want to forget.

That's the lousy part about your own head, though, isn't it? You forget too much good. It's the bad that sticks the most.

Her voice is soothing, though, and after an extended moment he pauses long enough to let his hand settle. After that he finishes the sketch with a little less trouble. It's not a complete recovery, but it's a step in the right direction.]

What have you drawn?

...a lot of things. I write more than I draw, though.

[She looks away from Billy and takes a deep breath.]

Flames. I had to burn his body, you know.

[...the smell of it. She'd been sick for what felt like forever once she got back to camp.]

You had to burn... what...?

[He's almost afraid to ask. She doesn't mean...]

[A helpless, dry little sound that might have been an attempt at a laugh.]

Couldn't just -- leave it there. Not like that. [She takes a breath that shudders all the way through her.] Especially with all that horrible magic around.

[Oh god. Oh god. That's beyond screwed up.]

Oh, man... I...

[Sorry doesn't even cover it. He bites his lip and falls silent; he's sorry he asked, now.]

[She swallows. The silence stretches on maybe a little too long.]

Couldn't see any way around it. [A slow exhale. She looks at Billy.] Like I said. It was hard for all of us. An' when they get back... it'll be like startin' again all over.

I... hope that's true. It'll be good to see him again, that's for sure. I think he'll feel the same way.

[It's just a matter of waiting for that to happen, which is seriously a bitch and a half.]

I hope so. [They'd kind of had an awful argument right before he died, yay perfect timing.] But II can't imagine it's so easy, comin' back from the dead.

[It hasn't been for them, after all.]

Yeah... it really isn't.

[Great minds think alike?]

But he'll be okay... I'm sure. He's strong.

He's got people who care about him. [She counters.] Don't you start thinkin' this is a matter of strength, Billy Kaplan. It ain't that simple. You don't get through somethin' like this 'cause you're strong an' other people are weak. You gotta work through it - that's one thing I know.

[So don't go starting thinking that you're weak, please. She's so tired of this stuff. Dying isn't something a body's supposed to just get over -- sometimes you have to let the people you trust help you. Goodness knows that's what she's trying to do too.]

That's not- I mean, I think it helps. Being strong. Physically, or mentally- he's been through so much already, good and bad. And he hasn't dealt with it well, but- he's different. It's noticeable. So I guess I'm just... acknowledging it. That he's stronger than he was. Better at... you know. Handling stuff.

[...yeah, she has no faith in that, really. The rather horrific argument they had before he died might have something to do with that, but it certainly isn't something she wants to discuss with Billy.]

I hope you're right.

[She stands.]

I'm gonna go. But I hope you keep drawing.

Edited 2014-07-27 05:14 (UTC)

I'll... keep trying. I can at least promise you that.

[He feels like he still said something wrong, there, but he's going in blind, and it was the best he could do. It's not like he has to convince her to believe what he does.

Either way, he offers her a wan smile, standing to see her out.]

Thanks... for coming. Really, this helped. I mean, I think it will, if I keep trying. And it was nice to see you.

[As a friend, rather than... well, whatever.]

All right. [She nods and then gives him a brief, tired smile.] Glad it helped with somethin'. See you later, Billy.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[IC] Appointments Post

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