selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

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[IC] Appointments Post

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[That's funny. It should be funny to him. He can't bring himself to smile, though, so he just shakes his head. Technically, there is no good time. But people can come and go as they please.]

[He takes some steps closer to the bedside.]

So... how are you feeling, man?

[And that's a much harder question to answer; there's too much conflict, too much stress, too much confusion. Reality's been shattered, and he's still picking up the pieces.]

...Tired, mostly. My head hurts. And... I don't know.

[He lifts a hand to rub at his forehead, grimacing, then glances sidelong at Kurt.]

Have you ever wondered if... what's real... isn't?

[Kurt frowns. It looks like whatever happened must have done a number on Billy's head.]

You mean - what's really real? I can't say I have. I mean... even when things were fake, I couldn't tell at all... But still. Reality's always just too... too real for me to think differently!

[It's a little dizzying to imagine reality just... being, and it takes Billy a moment to let the words sink in. Too real. Can reality be too real?

Has it ever been real for him, since he got his powers? He can't even remember anymore.

He ducks his head, brushing aside the issue. It was a stupid question to ask, anyway. It's just a step up from asking Kurt if he's real, which... didn't go over so well with Kate.]

You know, right? What happened? What I did? That's why you're really here.

What? [He blinks, unsure what he's getting it.] I'm just here to check up on my friend. I don't know what you're talking about. You were just... caught up in whatever that weird shift was. All you did was act out your role.

[....he doesn't... know? He's just visiting?

The temptation to keep it that way is heavy, and it's hard to shake it off. The truth will come out eventually. Lying now will just make it worse.

But god, does he ever want to.]

It wasn't... a shift. It was me. I did it.

[He responds with a hush that is both uncertain and harsh.]

What?

[Billy just ducks his head lower; he figures Kurt heard him just fine, and he really... really doesn't want to have to say it again.]

You can't mean... You - your powers... You changed everything? [He looks down at the floor, pressing his fingers against his forehead in a panic as he tries to process this.]

What I could, yeah. But I couldn't hold it. I wasn't strong enough...

Wasn't strong enough? What does that mean? I mean... Our families - all of that, it came from your head? [He stays to pace a bit, somewhere between distressed and angry. The pieces aren't clicking together perfectly yet, but all he knows is for sure is that he's already feeling hurt.]

No... it came from yours. It's what you wanted. But my powers made it real, for a little while.

[What he wanted? No, that can't be wanted. What he wanted was for that to really be able to happen?

He blinks for a moment and then turns back at him with a snap.]

Why would you do that, Billy?!

[Billy flinches, glancing away. That's the question of the month, isn't it?]

I... I don't... I don't know, I thought... it would make people happy...

Only in a fake way! It's gone now, and I feel emptier than ever. I still... I don't know what you were thinking! You couldn't have even made it last forever.

...No. I tried, but... I know that now. It was never made to last.

So that's it. It's over now. It's all gone. [He says bitterly, but with sorrow creeping into his voice. It's still so hard to process it.]

[Billy can only nod miserably. It's the truth, isn't it? Unhappy as it sounds.

The truth really does always hurt.]

I'm sorry...

Sorry...

[He repeats to himself, and it feels so hollow. With this much raw pain, he thinks he recognizes this feeling. He just hasn't quite placed it yet.]

Which part are you sorry for? [For casting the spell... or for having to stop it?]

[Billy hesitates, there. He's so used to apologizing that he's kind of lost track.]

What... do you want me to be sorry for?

[Did he really just- Now he feels really mad.]

That's - that's not the point at all! But hey, if you're taking requests for apologies, I'm sure I can whip a laundry list from my entire life!

...Go ahead, if... that's how you feel. I'll listen.

[It's not the worst he's heard since he woke up.]

[And he's just even more annoyed. He paces nearby, throwing his arms up as he speaks.]

Well, you know the mutant basics. The world hates me for who I am, and looking like a big blue devil only puts me up higher on the charts! My mother abandoned me as a child, she's someone who's responsible for horrible things, and now she's dead, and I don't even know who my real dad is, and oh right! You remember that we have to deal with that Apocalypse guy, too. Maybe we'll manage to beat him with a number of us coming out alive. Now my sister's dating a wholly different kind of bad guy, you brought my girlfriend back as my wife just to make her disappear and now I feel guiltier about seeing anyone else here than ever, and you made me think my mom was alive again! Not to mention giving me a family and true acceptance, and... true happiness.

So there. You can start with that for apologizing. [And then he turns back at Billy, pointing straight at him.] Or should I say, don't! Because that's my point. You don't feel sorry for something if you have to be told what it is!

[Billy doesn’t respond to that for a bit, just taking it in, his eyes fixed on his lap. Nothing that Kurt had said was particularly wrong, of course. It’s just not something he’d really wanted to hear. It’s not like he believes that he’s blameless - far from it, actually. But he doesn’t want to accept blame for something he didn’t do, and a lot of that…

...he can’t say that, can he.]

...You can believe what you want… but I am sorry for the pain I caused you. I wanted everyone to be happy, but it backfired… it all went wrong.

[IC] Appointments Post

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