selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

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[IC] Appointments Post

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What? [He blinks, unsure what he's getting it.] I'm just here to check up on my friend. I don't know what you're talking about. You were just... caught up in whatever that weird shift was. All you did was act out your role.

[....he doesn't... know? He's just visiting?

The temptation to keep it that way is heavy, and it's hard to shake it off. The truth will come out eventually. Lying now will just make it worse.

But god, does he ever want to.]

It wasn't... a shift. It was me. I did it.

[He responds with a hush that is both uncertain and harsh.]

What?

[Billy just ducks his head lower; he figures Kurt heard him just fine, and he really... really doesn't want to have to say it again.]

You can't mean... You - your powers... You changed everything? [He looks down at the floor, pressing his fingers against his forehead in a panic as he tries to process this.]

What I could, yeah. But I couldn't hold it. I wasn't strong enough...

Wasn't strong enough? What does that mean? I mean... Our families - all of that, it came from your head? [He stays to pace a bit, somewhere between distressed and angry. The pieces aren't clicking together perfectly yet, but all he knows is for sure is that he's already feeling hurt.]

No... it came from yours. It's what you wanted. But my powers made it real, for a little while.

[What he wanted? No, that can't be wanted. What he wanted was for that to really be able to happen?

He blinks for a moment and then turns back at him with a snap.]

Why would you do that, Billy?!

[Billy flinches, glancing away. That's the question of the month, isn't it?]

I... I don't... I don't know, I thought... it would make people happy...

Only in a fake way! It's gone now, and I feel emptier than ever. I still... I don't know what you were thinking! You couldn't have even made it last forever.

...No. I tried, but... I know that now. It was never made to last.

So that's it. It's over now. It's all gone. [He says bitterly, but with sorrow creeping into his voice. It's still so hard to process it.]

[Billy can only nod miserably. It's the truth, isn't it? Unhappy as it sounds.

The truth really does always hurt.]

I'm sorry...

Sorry...

[He repeats to himself, and it feels so hollow. With this much raw pain, he thinks he recognizes this feeling. He just hasn't quite placed it yet.]

Which part are you sorry for? [For casting the spell... or for having to stop it?]

[Billy hesitates, there. He's so used to apologizing that he's kind of lost track.]

What... do you want me to be sorry for?

[Did he really just- Now he feels really mad.]

That's - that's not the point at all! But hey, if you're taking requests for apologies, I'm sure I can whip a laundry list from my entire life!

...Go ahead, if... that's how you feel. I'll listen.

[It's not the worst he's heard since he woke up.]

[And he's just even more annoyed. He paces nearby, throwing his arms up as he speaks.]

Well, you know the mutant basics. The world hates me for who I am, and looking like a big blue devil only puts me up higher on the charts! My mother abandoned me as a child, she's someone who's responsible for horrible things, and now she's dead, and I don't even know who my real dad is, and oh right! You remember that we have to deal with that Apocalypse guy, too. Maybe we'll manage to beat him with a number of us coming out alive. Now my sister's dating a wholly different kind of bad guy, you brought my girlfriend back as my wife just to make her disappear and now I feel guiltier about seeing anyone else here than ever, and you made me think my mom was alive again! Not to mention giving me a family and true acceptance, and... true happiness.

So there. You can start with that for apologizing. [And then he turns back at Billy, pointing straight at him.] Or should I say, don't! Because that's my point. You don't feel sorry for something if you have to be told what it is!

[Billy doesn’t respond to that for a bit, just taking it in, his eyes fixed on his lap. Nothing that Kurt had said was particularly wrong, of course. It’s just not something he’d really wanted to hear. It’s not like he believes that he’s blameless - far from it, actually. But he doesn’t want to accept blame for something he didn’t do, and a lot of that…

...he can’t say that, can he.]

...You can believe what you want… but I am sorry for the pain I caused you. I wanted everyone to be happy, but it backfired… it all went wrong.

[He closes his eyes at the moment as he feels something so unfamiliar - a white-hot fury rushing through him. And he wonders. Is this what Rogue felt when he faced their mother on the cliff?

But he's better than that, he knows that. He roots himself in the values he was raised with. He remembers what the bible said of forgiveness. And he suppresses that feeling, so he can let it out later, on something inanimate.

When he opens his eyes again, they are softer, more sorrowful and full of pity. He speaks in a tense, shakey voice.]

Maybe... maybe I can accept that one.

[Billy watches him for a moment, taking in that expression, then ducks his head and hugs his knees close to his chest. He's not sure if that's better or worse.

Don't hate me, but...

...don't feel sorry for me...]

You don't... have to. If you don't want to. But it's the truth.

[He finds himself tensing up a bit again.]

It's not like I'm forgiving you! [And then softening again.] I just... am going to accept that that's what you're sorry for.

[Kurt had always been quick to forgive. This time, it just felt... so, so much harder.]

I believe that much.

[Billy can only shrug. He's not asking for forgiveness, here. He'd never expect it. But he'd apologized. There's really not much else he can do, is there?]

Thank you... for that.

[He shakes his head, still struggling in figuring out what he wants from this.]

Just... just never do that again!

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selfhelp - 2013-12-01 11:26 (UTC) - Expand

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wildbluevagner - 2013-12-04 07:15 (UTC) - Expand

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