selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[It's night time, a time Teddy would usually devote to homework or reading up on his first aid book. But right now he has a lap full of Billy, a cranky one at that. It was easy enough to soothe him into muttering against his shoulder, and it's almost something he takes pride in. Like a cat that's arched up and hissing and he's the only one allowed to reach out and calmly pet its back and bring its fur down.

But now that that part's out of the way, the more difficult part comes. Particularly since he is genuinely curious.]

So what's bothering you?

[Over the course of the evening Billy's been trying to be less cranky, honest; he talked to Hawkeye, he talked to Teddy, he talked to Loki of all people, and even now he's curled up in Teddy's lap soaking in the physical contact and trying to let it ebb away at his persistent foul mood. Talking it out, having a good cry, and then getting a magic lesson had helped, but now that he's had three sets of not-particularly-happy discussions, his mind is going back to the letter, looking at it with a somewhat different perspective- and not an altogether pleasant one.

He doesn't lift his head, cozy with it pressed up against Teddy's shoulder, but he does look up to try and watch his boyfriend him the angle he's at, morbidly curious.]

...Do you think I complain about what happened back home too much?

[He won't say bitch - he generally doesn't cuss much and goddammit he does not bitch - but Teddy's experienced the brunt of his issues, if only through the fallout that sometimes happens when it appears in his discussions with other people. And it's true that Teddy always seems to be the one comforting him...

It's not that he thinks that's what Ben was trying to say, but... it's stirred a number of memories - recent ones, but some from back home as well - that he hasn't really considered before.]

Edited (bleh wording) 2013-02-03 09:13 (UTC)

[Aaah. He should've known. This is what was bothering Billy earlier, too... And he had a feeling the first talk they had didn't really help matters much, though he'd tried his best.

But he does not sigh. He does not roll his eyes. Instead, Teddy just turns his head to look at his boyfriend easier, though with their close proximity, they're just about touching foreheads while Teddy keeps up eye contact.]

I don't think anyone has the right to say someone complains too much. But as for me? No. Considering what did happen back home.

[People cope with such pain in different ways. Billy talks about it with people when he opens up enough for it. Teddy keeps it inside and marches on. Other people deal with it in other ways.

And he doesn't think that's what Ben was trying to say. Teddy likes to think it's not just because he sort of idolizes him and that he kind of understands, but he really does think Ben wouldn't just tell him to suck it up and stop... well, bitching.]

[Billy sets free a quiet hum, feeling vaguely validated by Teddy's response, though he's not sure if he should let himself dwell on it. After a few hours had passed and he'd given the letter another read-through, it had made him reconsider some things. Not the bit about bitching so much as... well, moving on. Being a hero who can do that. Being stronger. When someone like Ben Grimm says you've got the makings of a hero, you listen. Even if you don't like how it was said.

As for the rest... well.

He keeps his focus on Teddy for a few moments longer, then breaks eye contact and lowers his head, almost ashamed.]

I... told Loki about what happened in the Cube.

[His tone is reluctant and wary, not wanting to make Teddy angry, but not wanting to lie to him, either. In the unlikely but still possible chance that Loki brings it up later, he doesn't want Teddy to be blindsided by it, either. It would be awful and unfair.]

Edited 2013-02-03 10:54 (UTC)

[With Billy not looking at him, he might feel Teddy suddenly tense at that. It's one thing to tell someone like... Jane, who's a friend of them both, who's proven reliable time and time again.

But to Loki? Telling someone like that about something deep, dark and personal? About how he was tortured, about how Billy was tortured, how they were completely and utterly helpless and at someone else's mercy? One of the lowest points of Teddy's life?

To Loki?

He's not angry. But he's obviously not happy, as he turns his head away to stare down at a spot beside his leg.]

Why?

[Billy isn't really sure how to answer that without it sounding like... well, a total cop-out answer. He struggles with it for a long moment, wondering if Teddy's mad and hiding it, wondering if he should move away, or apologize (okay probably that), or just leave.

...No, he won't do that. He owes Teddy something, whatever pathetic answer he can come up with, and he'll stick close unless Teddy pushes him away or needs space. That's all he can really offer.]

Because... we're friends. Because he asked, and I trust him.

[Really, it's the best he can do.]

I don't expect you to understand, or to be okay with it. But you had a right to know. And I needed it.

[That's really the core of it, right there- the kind of response he needed to start dealing with it properly, the next step in the healing process. Loki didn't cry when he heard, didn't freak out or lose his cool, didn't treat him like a victim who needed to immediately be held and coddled and comforted. He had offered support, yes, both physical and verbal, and it's true that he couldn't give the sort of consolation and understanding that Teddy did.

But maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's why. He needed someone to listen, really listen, take it in calmly, and offer him a different perspective. It was almost like talking to a therapist, actually- or like his mother. That uncanny ability to get him talking and, more importantly, get him thinking.

He's done too much burying already. And now that he's realized that, it's helped him to realize that he's not the only one.]

[We're friends. I trust him.

With those words, the arm that was circled around Billy's waist moves away, instead letting that hand hold his own arm. He does, at least, keep contact, by letting his other hand hold his boyfriend's knee.

Billy probably knows, or maybe not, just how much those kind of words terrify Teddy. With friendship and trust comes a very ready and very easy way of manipulating someone. Teddy knows it well. He's been on the receiving end of it. And the offender wasn't nearly as gifted as Loki, nor as on the other side of the moral scale.

Someone like that sinking his claws into Billy's shoulders on the basis of trust and friendship...

He lets out a sigh this time, one that seems just a touch... shaky, while he lightly squeezes Billy's knee before loosening his hold again.]

Look, Billy... I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to people about that. If you need it, then please do so. I'm not stopping you from doing that.

[A small pause, and:] But... you know who you're trusting with things like that, right? This is the guy who's manipulated the greats. Who murdered so many people. [The tone of that sounds familiar, he murdered your mom,] Who tortured Hawkeye. You know all that?

[When Teddy withdraws his arm, Billy feels the beginnings of panic- that he's gone too far, pushed it too much, and they're actually going to fight. It's almost enough to make him complete the withdrawal, move off of his boyfriend and sit across the couch from him or something, because at least if he did that he wouldn't have to watch Teddy pull back bit by bit.

And then Teddy speaks, and he feels worse. Because that's something he can't argue against, nor would he. He knows Loki's past. It's just been so easy to forget, in light of what he's witnessed over the last several months. Teddy hadn't seen him during the draft- holding Billy and letting him cry on him, like he was important, like he cared. Teddy hadn't seen how much joy he'd felt during their magic lessons, how much it cheered him up on darker days. And Teddy hadn't seen him today, holding his shoulder and brushing his hair, almost... fatherly. It's been so surreal, but Billy can't help but admit to himself that he's clung to it, wanting it to be true. It felt real.]

That's what we've been told, yeah. [It's not that he doesn't believe Loki is capable of doing such horrible things. It's not like he hasn't seen the signs.] I just... I know what I've seen. I know how he's been with me. If I thought for even a second that he'd use it to hurt us, I'd never have said anything...

... Billy, we weren't just told. He practically gloated to Luceti about what he did to Hawkeye and showed everyone. And it was Captain America who told us about what happened in his Manhattan. He wouldn't warn people about it if he didn't think it was serious.

[Despite his words, he doesn't sound too harsh. It's like a gentle reminder, and he completes it by brushing his thumb across the top of his knee.]

Just... please, don't trust everything you see with him. I know you've spent a lot more time with him than I have, but...

[He lowers his head, pursing his lips. Teddy knows where he's going with that, but the urge to squash it down and cover it up with something else is strong. And a while ago, he probably would have. It would've been easy to keep all of his fears and worries to himself.

Now, though... it isn't as easy as he'd like it to be. Not with his boyfriend.]

[Billy doesn't answer this time; can't, really, because there are no words with which to argue anymore. He ducks his head, nodding miserably, and bites his lower lip. Once again he feels the urge to withdraw, even outright flee the conversation, but Teddy's hand resting on his knee is holding him in place just as securely as if he'd been chained down.

Whether or not he wants to leave is irrelevant now. He's got to stay and see this through.]

[With no answer, Teddy looks at Billy again, and he can see the misery. It hurts, hurts to know that he's the one doing that. But he has to let Billy know all of that, let him remember those kinds of things. He's not totally against seeing Loki in a positive light, seeing how he's totally one of the misunderstood types, though still pretty evil by their standards. But dismissing the things he did and throwing all that trust so freely...?

Teddy bites his lip too, and he lets go of his arm to reach out and brush Billy's cheek, gentle and careful, like he's afraid of his own power as he was years ago.]

Billy... [His voice quiets, and he lets his gaze fall to Billy's chest as he just lets a part of himself go.] I don't want to lose you. You're... [all I have left] the love of my life. And I...

[And then he holds on to that part of himself again, and quiets. He's kind of surprised he even said all of that.]

[It only takes a moment, just a few words and a simple touch, one he's done hundreds of times before, but hardly ever carried the same meaning behind it before, and it's like everything's changed again. Billy sets free a quiet exhale, shuddering briefly beneath Teddy's fingers, and finally surrenders to that urge to shift away and pull back- only to return again, not leaving but re-positioning himself to let his knees straddle Teddy's thighs on the couch, the pose meant to be intimate rather than sexual, facing him properly and pressing close. He lifts both hands, touching his palms gently against Teddy's cheeks, and leans in to rest their foreheads together, thumbs gently stroking.

He knows. He knows Teddy's only saying all of this out of worry. Out of fear, even. Because he had so little to begin with, and yet he's already lost so much. In this place especially, all they really have is each other, but even back home Teddy has precious little to call his own. Billy can't imagine how he'd feel if their roles were reversed, nor does he want to.

How can he possibly be upset with Teddy for trying to protect him? It's part of what made him fall for the other boy in the first place. Part of what made Billy love him so much.]

You're not going to lose me.

[His voice is firm when he finally speaks, no longer uncertain or shaky- not angry, or upset, or even sad anymore. It's strong, determined, full of an unshakable conviction. The tone of someone who knows what he wants, who is willing to fight for it.]

Not ever. Not ever, Teddy. I promise- I'll be right here with you.

[Even if he goes home tomorrow. Even if he goes home tonight. Even if Teddy's fears are right and Loki's planning something horrible, and betrays them all, and everything goes wrong-

This is where he belongs. Right here with Teddy. This is what he'd always choose, if he was forced to make such a choice.]

[In Teddy's world, where school hallways were filled with baseless gossip, where words cut him down, where he relied more on twitches of the body and physical gestures as a gateway to the truth, he'd grown to not become too attached to words as a form of comfort. They can easily be thrown to the wind and then broken later, after all. Words might carry weight, but generally not for too long. Teddy's become a little jaded in that.

But looking at Billy now - Seeing his face, hearing those words and, most importantly, the tone in which he says it, the way he's so close to him with his hands on his cheeks, and his eyes - his eyes and all the conviction, determination, love and truth Teddy can see in them...

God help him, he can feel some of that fear dwindling away. Some of it stubbornly remains, born from the fact that this person is so, so important to him, and he isn't sure how to live with himself if he ever lost him. But he'd said it before, and he knows it now; Billy has an outstanding heart underneath his sarcasm, the heart of a hero, and no one could beat it down.

And that was one of the things that made Teddy fall in love with him. He fell for a hero.

So he keeps up the eye contact for a moment, then breaks it as he lowers his head to press it against Billy's shoulder, one arm winding around his waist to pull him closer, and his free hand sliding into Billy's hair, and he ends up holding his boyfriend against himself as if he's one of his most precious treasures. It's effortless to hold someone like this for Teddy, because it is how he views those close to him.

He stays like that for a moment, just keeping Billy there, and then murmurs against his shoulder.]

I know. You're a superhero, after all. It's all I ask.

[And maybe it means a little less to Billy than it does for Teddy, but:] You're not losing me either. Ever.

[Billy's response is a quiet laugh into the mop of silken blond hair, nuzzling against him and sliding his arms around Teddy's neck to hold him just as close. The sound is gentle, not mocking, affectionate and once more at ease. He wants Teddy to be relaxed, to stop fretting, to hold on to him and know that they'll both be fine, just like always. And he feels stupid for- well, for being stupid, for letting this linger and make it worse.

It's not like he can give up the magic lessons - or not that he can't, but he thinks it would be worse for all of them if he did - but he doesn't want them to be a cause of stress for the person he loves. That was never his intent.]

Dummy. How could we ever lose each other? We're a team.

[More than just as Young Avengers. More than friends. They're family, bound by ties stronger even than blood, because blood doesn't always mean anything, especially not for them over the last year or so. Since they'd met, become superheroes, learned so much about themselves and each other.

His voice drops to a whisper, pressing a line of gentle kisses along Teddy's hairline, down to his jaw.]

I'd change reality itself to stay with you if I had to.

[It's not a serious comment, not really - he can't imagine a situation that would merit something like that - but the sentiment is no less real. That's how much I want this, he's really saying. That's how much you mean to me.

How much I love you.]

[There's a small, affectionate little "heh" at that, muffled against Billy's skin. Teddy can get the meaning behind it, and it warms his heart to hear it, but he can't help comparing it to those cheesy Valentine's cards that he was forced to give to other kids all during grade school. He tries not to imagine what that phrase would look like, lest he actually laughs and ruin the moment.

Instead, he moves his head to press gentle kisses along Billy's neck, up to his jawline, then brushes his nose against the other boy's ear before his own voice drops to a whisper.]

And I'd do anything for you. Anything.

[Fight for him, protect him from what might come at him, whether it's a villain or shady friend. Love him, stand by him. He'd even be anything he wanted for...

No, his thoughts shouldn't take that direction. Billy would never want that. That's one of the things that's so remarkable about Billy; Teddy could literally be who he wanted, what he wanted, and Billy chose the person behind the powers, taking in every flaw and detail without asking to change.

God, he loves him so much.

And when he opens his eyes, still near Billy's ear, he can see the scars there. The effects of seeing them has muted with time, but this close, he still feels his gut clench a little, still lets his mind wander to that time. How he pulled against an unmovable force with everything he had, using more strength than he ever did, desperate to stop that man from -

He shuts his eyes and lets his cheek rest against Billy's.]

If you ever wanted to talk about what happened... You know I'm here, yeah? I think it's something couples do. Talk about stuff like that when they need to...

[And in that moment, just like that, it clicks: what's been bothering him, prodding at the back of his mind despite his attempts to ignore it. That something's been wrong, something's been missing in... whatever he called this. This recovery process.

He's been so selfish, even if Teddy would never say as much. And hearing him say that, make that offer, is a punch right to the gut. Teddy's always been there for him, holding him while he cried, comforting him after the nightmares, caring for him through his fever in the days after it happened. Even rescuing him, apparently, risking his life to get him out of that prison.

When has he ever done the same for Teddy, who has his own awful experiences to deal with, who had suffered so much at the hands of that terrible man, who never, ever talked about it himself?

God, he's the worst boyfriend ever. Stubbornly, he crushes that feeling of guilt - or rather, lets it become a driving force instead - in favour of pulling back enough to look Teddy in the eyes, sympathy and that same determination as before mixed in his gaze.

No backing down this time. Even if it hurts to hear, even if neither of them want to go through it again. Teddy's endured those memories for him in the past, and Billy will be damned if he lets him do it alone again.]

You're right... couples talk about this stuff. And we should, too. Both of us, together.

[His hands lift, stroking gently through Teddy's hair.]

But you never have. You kept it all in for my sake.

[His eyes narrow a little- not judging, god, far from it, but... critical. Prying, almost. The message should be obvious: you don't have to anymore.]

[To Teddy, those words, and the way Billy's looking at him now, feels like he's up on stage with a spotlight shining right on him. Worst of all, he doesn't know his lines.

But it's different from other times in the past when he was expected to talk. He isn't alone on the stage, after all. This person he loves is right in front of him, hands in his hair as if to take his attention away from everything else. That doesn't mean it isn't hard; this isn't the way Teddy copes with things. He'd much rather accept that it happened, keep it within, walk on, keep it far away yet the knowledge he learned from it close. Talking just reopens wounds that he'd carefully placed band-aids over, and then they don't close for a good while again.

Yet... now he's feeling like the selfish one. Billy's the one who opened up and let loose everything that hurt, that scarred, that made him cry. Teddy... never did.

And, for once, he feels like just... letting it go. Maybe he does need to voice some things... Maybe he just doesn't know how much it bothers him.

He looks down at Billy's stomach, not wanting to see his eyes or his face for this. At least, not right now. At such a vulnerable moment, he can't stand looking at someone who's staring at him. But he also moves his hands to rest on Billy's arms, a silent plea to keep them there.]

It... wasn't just for your sake.

... Where do I even start? I don't know...

[It's true that it wasn't all for him- he knows that. Teddy's always kept his issues pretty close to his chest. But in the past, Billy's never been afraid to ask about them, and Teddy didn't hesitate as much about sharing them with someone he trusts, which is why he even knows stuff like Greg in the first place. But this? He didn't ask. So Teddy didn't speak up.

He wants to take responsibility for that.

Billy is immediately grateful when Teddy doesn't protest, though it's also concerning; it shows how badly Teddy needs this. Obeying the blond's silent request, he remains close, winding his arms around Teddy's shoulders and tugging him against his own body, fingers still sliding through his hair soothingly. He brushes his lips against Teddy's forehead, voice dropping to a murmur.]

Anywhere. With anything. Whatever you need to say... I'm here. I'm listening.

[Even if it takes all night, or even if he never says anything at all. Even if he just needs to be held.

He's not going anywhere this time.]

[Rather than talk right then, Teddy decides to let out a long sigh and rest his temple against his boyfriend's collarbone, both arms encircling his lower waist with the fingers of one hand catching on one of Billy's back pockets. And there, he shuts his eyes, letting himself be caught up in the fact that he's completely covered and surrounded by the one he loves. It's comforting, extremely so, to feel that way. Teddy, as strong as he is, always felt pretty secure in himself in terms of feeling safe. Strange, then, how he feels remarkably safe right now.

It's why he lingers for several minutes, just taking it all in and letting himself relax. It's only then that he opens up those memories in his head, ones that he never let anyone else see, not even Billy. Not even himself, unless it was forced on him. His memories jump everywhere, from the moment Noh-varr had taken Billy out and then rounded on him before he could even get his boyfriend's name out of his mouth, to the time when he had to excuse himself after cutting into some meat at the dinner table, trying to be polite but needing to hurry to give in to the sudden dizziness and nausea.

And, of course, the event itself.

His loose hold tightens a little, and then he starts to talk.]

I've never felt so helpless before. So useless. I've got all this strength, and I couldn't even use it. You know what it's like... It was the same for me, too. I've never been trapped in my life. Even when I was locked in somewhere, I could always just break down the door.

[His voice gets a little thicker as the memories worsen. Billy, screaming and thrashing as much as his bonds would allow him to, and the doctor patting the boy's ear like it had done a good job or something - ]

But I couldn't get out of there. I fought so hard and the thing didn't even budge. I was probably scaring Karolina even more than she already was... I've hardly ever felt like that. You were in so much pain and he kept going and I couldn't do anything...

[Billy doesn't move much as he waits, just holds Teddy in soothing silence, hands stroking, nuzzling with his chin occasionally. He'll be patient; Teddy's always been more careful with his words than him, so he'd kind of expected this.

He wills himself not to tremble as Teddy finally speaks, his hands tensing a bit where they're in contact with the other boy before he forces them to move again, fingers twisting nervously through Teddy's hair once more. It's half to comfort his boyfriend, and half to comfort himself, really. He needs to keep his calm. Anything to keep from making Teddy think that he needs to stop. Not when he knows this is already so difficult for him.

He doesn't think as much about his own suffering in the Cube; it had been awful, yes, and the scars have stuck with him all this time, but the worst of it had been watching, listening to Teddy's suffering and being so helpless. It had felt like it would go on forever, especially after Teddy passed out.

So... more than anything else, he understands this. He'd rather have suffered endlessly than watch even a minute of Teddy against the wall like that, bleeding and screaming...

His own grip tightens against his will, his voice muffled against Teddy's hair, a little tremulous, but not faltering.]

I remember. I couldn't hear it that well, but... you were trying to save me.

And I couldn't. Every time he hurt you, it felt like he was... ripping apart something inside me. And when he taunted you, when he wouldn't shut up -

[This part is harder to admit. Teddy's already allowed tears to escape, and Billy can probably feel them starting to gather in his shirt. And now, this... It wasn't just that the warden was hurting Billy so horribly, but the fact that he enjoyed it, that he kept going on and on about not using anesthesia, to keep screaming, even taunted Teddy himself, saying that the bracers were cutting down his strength and that it was useless but he loved to see him struggle anyway - ]

I wanted to tear him apart. I think... just for that moment, I really wanted him to die.

Edited 2013-02-05 05:25 (UTC)

[For a moment, there's no reaction, just frozen surprise. His fingers tense in Teddy's hair, and then he shudders, holding the blonde just a little more tightly against his body. He doesn't know what to say. Months of remembering Teddy in those moments, after he'd said the most terrible thing he can ever recall saying, seeing the shapeshifter rise above them all and spare that man...

...but now...

He's crying too, just as silently, because unlike Teddy he's never been able to mask or hold in his emotions that well, but he's trying to keep his head lifted, chin up so they dry on his cheeks. He nods against Teddy's hair, though, exhaling tremulously, and slides a hand down his back to respond because he doesn't trust his voice.

You too?

In a way... it's a relief to hear it. That he wasn't alone in those moments, even in his own dark thoughts.]

[Teddy just hopes those movements are supportive rather than out of horror, that he, too, had fallen into a very dark place for just a moment. For just a moment, he wanted to tear the bindings off the walls, break the warden's arms out of his sockets and watch him bleed. For just a moment...

And he'd been ashamed of himself for months because of that. It's... both terrifying and relieving to get it out in the open, because what does Billy think of him now? Is he a lesser man now? Is he not as good anymore in his eyes?

The thought makes a shudder run through his body, and he takes in a hiccuping breath. These things are so hard to admit, and he knows, he knows that he's not done yet. So many things kept inside are still waiting to come out, and now that he's started, he just... can't stop. Not unless Billy asks him.]

Then - Then it was my turn. I was actually kind of relieved - It meant he stopped hurting you. And - You were still recovering, but I tried to be the tough guy and not show any pain for him. [He lets out something of a half chuckle, half sob.] It sure didn't work very well...

I don't think I've ever felt pain like that. It was so deep, and when it tried to heal he just cut again. And when it healed too fast, he used some other tool. I wanted to get out of there. And - I heard you screaming, and Karolina was saying something too, but...

[This is perhaps the hardest thing of all to admit, and he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his cheek against his boyfriend's chest, his voice shaky.]

I wanted to die, Billy. That's how bad it was. I just wanted it to stop...

[His description of what he went through is the hardest part, and Billy has to fight the urge to interrupt, or to tell him to stop. It hurts, those memories, and he's not over them himself, but this is what Teddy needs. And he'll be whatever Teddy needs him to be right now.

Right now that is two things: strong, and quiet. He can do that.

He listens to every word, supporting Teddy as best as he can with his hands, his arms, his whole body, and it isn't until that last part that he draws back, stricken, to hold Teddy's face, shaken, and kiss him briefly before resting their foreheads together.]

Oh Teddy- oh god. No. Not ever, okay? Not ever...

[He can't fathom how much pain it must have been, going through that. Maybe he'd have wanted to die, too. But he- he can't- he can't stay silent, hearing that. He can't.

I don't ever want you to die.]

[It takes a good deal of will for Teddy to move his hands up, up to rest them against the sides and nape of Billy's neck, and for him to keep eye contact for more than three seconds. But after that, he has to shut his eyes and grit his teeth, unable to nod due to their foreheads touching together, though he tries to convey it by the back of Billy's jaw with his thumbs. Never - or, at least, he'll do his best. In their line of work, just one wrong move could cost them their lives. But for as long as he's living, he'll never wish for that again. For Billy's sake as well as his own.

With a sharp inhale, he continues. Just one little part...]

I thought I did die at first. I was - I was choking on something, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything; it was like everything just started to... dull. Or something.

[He opens his eyes, tears still falling freely, and he shifts his hands back to cover Billy's cheeks.]

And all I could think about was you. You calling my name was the last thing I heard.

["Stop it, stop it!! You're killing him! Teddy, Ted-!!"]

Edited 2013-02-05 12:26 (UTC)

[IC] Appointments Post

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