selfhelp: ([wiccan] derpfaaaaec)
William "Billy" Kaplan (Wiccan) ([personal profile] selfhelp) wrote2019-07-30 03:29 am
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[IC] Appointments Post



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[Action, January 1st]

Thanks!
halfnhalf: ([teddy] was that weird?)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-03 08:42 am (UTC)(link)
[It's night time, a time Teddy would usually devote to homework or reading up on his first aid book. But right now he has a lap full of Billy, a cranky one at that. It was easy enough to soothe him into muttering against his shoulder, and it's almost something he takes pride in. Like a cat that's arched up and hissing and he's the only one allowed to reach out and calmly pet its back and bring its fur down.

But now that that part's out of the way, the more difficult part comes. Particularly since he is genuinely curious.]


So what's bothering you?
halfnhalf: ([teddy] explain pls)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-03 10:18 am (UTC)(link)
[Aaah. He should've known. This is what was bothering Billy earlier, too... And he had a feeling the first talk they had didn't really help matters much, though he'd tried his best.

But he does not sigh. He does not roll his eyes. Instead, Teddy just turns his head to look at his boyfriend easier, though with their close proximity, they're just about touching foreheads while Teddy keeps up eye contact.]


I don't think anyone has the right to say someone complains too much. But as for me? No. Considering what did happen back home.

[People cope with such pain in different ways. Billy talks about it with people when he opens up enough for it. Teddy keeps it inside and marches on. Other people deal with it in other ways.

And he doesn't think that's what Ben was trying to say. Teddy likes to think it's not just because he sort of idolizes him and that he kind of understands, but he really does think Ben wouldn't just tell him to suck it up and stop... well, bitching.]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] shun the nonbeliever)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-03 11:02 am (UTC)(link)
[With Billy not looking at him, he might feel Teddy suddenly tense at that. It's one thing to tell someone like... Jane, who's a friend of them both, who's proven reliable time and time again.

But to Loki? Telling someone like that about something deep, dark and personal? About how he was tortured, about how Billy was tortured, how they were completely and utterly helpless and at someone else's mercy? One of the lowest points of Teddy's life?

To Loki?

He's not angry. But he's obviously not happy, as he turns his head away to stare down at a spot beside his leg.]


Why?
halfnhalf: ([teddy] stop kidnapping me)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-03 11:39 am (UTC)(link)
[We're friends. I trust him.

With those words, the arm that was circled around Billy's waist moves away, instead letting that hand hold his own arm. He does, at least, keep contact, by letting his other hand hold his boyfriend's knee.

Billy probably knows, or maybe not, just how much those kind of words terrify Teddy. With friendship and trust comes a very ready and very easy way of manipulating someone. Teddy knows it well. He's been on the receiving end of it. And the offender wasn't nearly as gifted as Loki, nor as on the other side of the moral scale.

Someone like that sinking his claws into Billy's shoulders on the basis of trust and friendship...

He lets out a sigh this time, one that seems just a touch... shaky, while he lightly squeezes Billy's knee before loosening his hold again.]


Look, Billy... I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to people about that. If you need it, then please do so. I'm not stopping you from doing that.

[A small pause, and:] But... you know who you're trusting with things like that, right? This is the guy who's manipulated the greats. Who murdered so many people. [The tone of that sounds familiar, he murdered your mom,] Who tortured Hawkeye. You know all that?
halfnhalf: ([teddy] cassie he's not over there)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-03 12:12 pm (UTC)(link)
... Billy, we weren't just told. He practically gloated to Luceti about what he did to Hawkeye and showed everyone. And it was Captain America who told us about what happened in his Manhattan. He wouldn't warn people about it if he didn't think it was serious.

[Despite his words, he doesn't sound too harsh. It's like a gentle reminder, and he completes it by brushing his thumb across the top of his knee.]

Just... please, don't trust everything you see with him. I know you've spent a lot more time with him than I have, but...

[He lowers his head, pursing his lips. Teddy knows where he's going with that, but the urge to squash it down and cover it up with something else is strong. And a while ago, he probably would have. It would've been easy to keep all of his fears and worries to himself.

Now, though... it isn't as easy as he'd like it to be. Not with his boyfriend.]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] let me help you)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-03 12:28 pm (UTC)(link)
[With no answer, Teddy looks at Billy again, and he can see the misery. It hurts, hurts to know that he's the one doing that. But he has to let Billy know all of that, let him remember those kinds of things. He's not totally against seeing Loki in a positive light, seeing how he's totally one of the misunderstood types, though still pretty evil by their standards. But dismissing the things he did and throwing all that trust so freely...?

Teddy bites his lip too, and he lets go of his arm to reach out and brush Billy's cheek, gentle and careful, like he's afraid of his own power as he was years ago.]


Billy... [His voice quiets, and he lets his gaze fall to Billy's chest as he just lets a part of himself go.] I don't want to lose you. You're... [all I have left] the love of my life. And I...

[And then he holds on to that part of himself again, and quiets. He's kind of surprised he even said all of that.]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] i should check on her)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-04 06:37 am (UTC)(link)
[In Teddy's world, where school hallways were filled with baseless gossip, where words cut him down, where he relied more on twitches of the body and physical gestures as a gateway to the truth, he'd grown to not become too attached to words as a form of comfort. They can easily be thrown to the wind and then broken later, after all. Words might carry weight, but generally not for too long. Teddy's become a little jaded in that.

But looking at Billy now - Seeing his face, hearing those words and, most importantly, the tone in which he says it, the way he's so close to him with his hands on his cheeks, and his eyes - his eyes and all the conviction, determination, love and truth Teddy can see in them...

God help him, he can feel some of that fear dwindling away. Some of it stubbornly remains, born from the fact that this person is so, so important to him, and he isn't sure how to live with himself if he ever lost him. But he'd said it before, and he knows it now; Billy has an outstanding heart underneath his sarcasm, the heart of a hero, and no one could beat it down.

And that was one of the things that made Teddy fall in love with him. He fell for a hero.

So he keeps up the eye contact for a moment, then breaks it as he lowers his head to press it against Billy's shoulder, one arm winding around his waist to pull him closer, and his free hand sliding into Billy's hair, and he ends up holding his boyfriend against himself as if he's one of his most precious treasures. It's effortless to hold someone like this for Teddy, because it is how he views those close to him.

He stays like that for a moment, just keeping Billy there, and then murmurs against his shoulder.]


I know. You're a superhero, after all. It's all I ask.

[And maybe it means a little less to Billy than it does for Teddy, but:] You're not losing me either. Ever.
halfnhalf: art from kaciart.tumblr.com, colored by me ([teddy] feels like falling)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-04 09:31 pm (UTC)(link)
[There's a small, affectionate little "heh" at that, muffled against Billy's skin. Teddy can get the meaning behind it, and it warms his heart to hear it, but he can't help comparing it to those cheesy Valentine's cards that he was forced to give to other kids all during grade school. He tries not to imagine what that phrase would look like, lest he actually laughs and ruin the moment.

Instead, he moves his head to press gentle kisses along Billy's neck, up to his jawline, then brushes his nose against the other boy's ear before his own voice drops to a whisper.]


And I'd do anything for you. Anything.

[Fight for him, protect him from what might come at him, whether it's a villain or shady friend. Love him, stand by him. He'd even be anything he wanted for...

No, his thoughts shouldn't take that direction. Billy would never want that. That's one of the things that's so remarkable about Billy; Teddy could literally be who he wanted, what he wanted, and Billy chose the person behind the powers, taking in every flaw and detail without asking to change.

God, he loves him so much.

And when he opens his eyes, still near Billy's ear, he can see the scars there. The effects of seeing them has muted with time, but this close, he still feels his gut clench a little, still lets his mind wander to that time. How he pulled against an unmovable force with everything he had, using more strength than he ever did, desperate to stop that man from -

He shuts his eyes and lets his cheek rest against Billy's.]


If you ever wanted to talk about what happened... You know I'm here, yeah? I think it's something couples do. Talk about stuff like that when they need to...
halfnhalf: ([teddy] will we still be young avengers?)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-05 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
[To Teddy, those words, and the way Billy's looking at him now, feels like he's up on stage with a spotlight shining right on him. Worst of all, he doesn't know his lines.

But it's different from other times in the past when he was expected to talk. He isn't alone on the stage, after all. This person he loves is right in front of him, hands in his hair as if to take his attention away from everything else. That doesn't mean it isn't hard; this isn't the way Teddy copes with things. He'd much rather accept that it happened, keep it within, walk on, keep it far away yet the knowledge he learned from it close. Talking just reopens wounds that he'd carefully placed band-aids over, and then they don't close for a good while again.

Yet... now he's feeling like the selfish one. Billy's the one who opened up and let loose everything that hurt, that scarred, that made him cry. Teddy... never did.

And, for once, he feels like just... letting it go. Maybe he does need to voice some things... Maybe he just doesn't know how much it bothers him.

He looks down at Billy's stomach, not wanting to see his eyes or his face for this. At least, not right now. At such a vulnerable moment, he can't stand looking at someone who's staring at him. But he also moves his hands to rest on Billy's arms, a silent plea to keep them there.]


It... wasn't just for your sake.

... Where do I even start? I don't know...
halfnhalf: ([teddy] how did you know?)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-05 03:37 am (UTC)(link)
[Rather than talk right then, Teddy decides to let out a long sigh and rest his temple against his boyfriend's collarbone, both arms encircling his lower waist with the fingers of one hand catching on one of Billy's back pockets. And there, he shuts his eyes, letting himself be caught up in the fact that he's completely covered and surrounded by the one he loves. It's comforting, extremely so, to feel that way. Teddy, as strong as he is, always felt pretty secure in himself in terms of feeling safe. Strange, then, how he feels remarkably safe right now.

It's why he lingers for several minutes, just taking it all in and letting himself relax. It's only then that he opens up those memories in his head, ones that he never let anyone else see, not even Billy. Not even himself, unless it was forced on him. His memories jump everywhere, from the moment Noh-varr had taken Billy out and then rounded on him before he could even get his boyfriend's name out of his mouth, to the time when he had to excuse himself after cutting into some meat at the dinner table, trying to be polite but needing to hurry to give in to the sudden dizziness and nausea.

And, of course, the event itself.

His loose hold tightens a little, and then he starts to talk.]


I've never felt so helpless before. So useless. I've got all this strength, and I couldn't even use it. You know what it's like... It was the same for me, too. I've never been trapped in my life. Even when I was locked in somewhere, I could always just break down the door.

[His voice gets a little thicker as the memories worsen. Billy, screaming and thrashing as much as his bonds would allow him to, and the doctor patting the boy's ear like it had done a good job or something - ]

But I couldn't get out of there. I fought so hard and the thing didn't even budge. I was probably scaring Karolina even more than she already was... I've hardly ever felt like that. You were in so much pain and he kept going and I couldn't do anything...
halfnhalf: ([teddy] i'm not a skrull)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-05 05:23 am (UTC)(link)
And I couldn't. Every time he hurt you, it felt like he was... ripping apart something inside me. And when he taunted you, when he wouldn't shut up -

[This part is harder to admit. Teddy's already allowed tears to escape, and Billy can probably feel them starting to gather in his shirt. And now, this... It wasn't just that the warden was hurting Billy so horribly, but the fact that he enjoyed it, that he kept going on and on about not using anesthesia, to keep screaming, even taunted Teddy himself, saying that the bracers were cutting down his strength and that it was useless but he loved to see him struggle anyway - ]

I wanted to tear him apart. I think... just for that moment, I really wanted him to die.
Edited 2013-02-05 05:25 (UTC)
halfnhalf: ([teddy] the only mom i ever knew...)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-05 10:43 am (UTC)(link)
[Teddy just hopes those movements are supportive rather than out of horror, that he, too, had fallen into a very dark place for just a moment. For just a moment, he wanted to tear the bindings off the walls, break the warden's arms out of his sockets and watch him bleed. For just a moment...

And he'd been ashamed of himself for months because of that. It's... both terrifying and relieving to get it out in the open, because what does Billy think of him now? Is he a lesser man now? Is he not as good anymore in his eyes?

The thought makes a shudder run through his body, and he takes in a hiccuping breath. These things are so hard to admit, and he knows, he knows that he's not done yet. So many things kept inside are still waiting to come out, and now that he's started, he just... can't stop. Not unless Billy asks him.]


Then - Then it was my turn. I was actually kind of relieved - It meant he stopped hurting you. And - You were still recovering, but I tried to be the tough guy and not show any pain for him. [He lets out something of a half chuckle, half sob.] It sure didn't work very well...

I don't think I've ever felt pain like that. It was so deep, and when it tried to heal he just cut again. And when it healed too fast, he used some other tool. I wanted to get out of there. And - I heard you screaming, and Karolina was saying something too, but...

[This is perhaps the hardest thing of all to admit, and he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his cheek against his boyfriend's chest, his voice shaky.]

I wanted to die, Billy. That's how bad it was. I just wanted it to stop...
halfnhalf: ([teddy] drown it out)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-02-05 12:19 pm (UTC)(link)
[It takes a good deal of will for Teddy to move his hands up, up to rest them against the sides and nape of Billy's neck, and for him to keep eye contact for more than three seconds. But after that, he has to shut his eyes and grit his teeth, unable to nod due to their foreheads touching together, though he tries to convey it by the back of Billy's jaw with his thumbs. Never - or, at least, he'll do his best. In their line of work, just one wrong move could cost them their lives. But for as long as he's living, he'll never wish for that again. For Billy's sake as well as his own.

With a sharp inhale, he continues. Just one little part...]


I thought I did die at first. I was - I was choking on something, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything; it was like everything just started to... dull. Or something.

[He opens his eyes, tears still falling freely, and he shifts his hands back to cover Billy's cheeks.]

And all I could think about was you. You calling my name was the last thing I heard.

["Stop it, stop it!! You're killing him! Teddy, Ted-!!"]
Edited 2013-02-05 12:26 (UTC)

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf - 2013-02-06 09:44 (UTC) - Expand

[action; january 28th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf - 2013-02-06 11:40 (UTC) - Expand