selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Billy doesn't move much as he waits, just holds Teddy in soothing silence, hands stroking, nuzzling with his chin occasionally. He'll be patient; Teddy's always been more careful with his words than him, so he'd kind of expected this.

He wills himself not to tremble as Teddy finally speaks, his hands tensing a bit where they're in contact with the other boy before he forces them to move again, fingers twisting nervously through Teddy's hair once more. It's half to comfort his boyfriend, and half to comfort himself, really. He needs to keep his calm. Anything to keep from making Teddy think that he needs to stop. Not when he knows this is already so difficult for him.

He doesn't think as much about his own suffering in the Cube; it had been awful, yes, and the scars have stuck with him all this time, but the worst of it had been watching, listening to Teddy's suffering and being so helpless. It had felt like it would go on forever, especially after Teddy passed out.

So... more than anything else, he understands this. He'd rather have suffered endlessly than watch even a minute of Teddy against the wall like that, bleeding and screaming...

His own grip tightens against his will, his voice muffled against Teddy's hair, a little tremulous, but not faltering.]

I remember. I couldn't hear it that well, but... you were trying to save me.

And I couldn't. Every time he hurt you, it felt like he was... ripping apart something inside me. And when he taunted you, when he wouldn't shut up -

[This part is harder to admit. Teddy's already allowed tears to escape, and Billy can probably feel them starting to gather in his shirt. And now, this... It wasn't just that the warden was hurting Billy so horribly, but the fact that he enjoyed it, that he kept going on and on about not using anesthesia, to keep screaming, even taunted Teddy himself, saying that the bracers were cutting down his strength and that it was useless but he loved to see him struggle anyway - ]

I wanted to tear him apart. I think... just for that moment, I really wanted him to die.

Edited 2013-02-05 05:25 (UTC)

[For a moment, there's no reaction, just frozen surprise. His fingers tense in Teddy's hair, and then he shudders, holding the blonde just a little more tightly against his body. He doesn't know what to say. Months of remembering Teddy in those moments, after he'd said the most terrible thing he can ever recall saying, seeing the shapeshifter rise above them all and spare that man...

...but now...

He's crying too, just as silently, because unlike Teddy he's never been able to mask or hold in his emotions that well, but he's trying to keep his head lifted, chin up so they dry on his cheeks. He nods against Teddy's hair, though, exhaling tremulously, and slides a hand down his back to respond because he doesn't trust his voice.

You too?

In a way... it's a relief to hear it. That he wasn't alone in those moments, even in his own dark thoughts.]

[Teddy just hopes those movements are supportive rather than out of horror, that he, too, had fallen into a very dark place for just a moment. For just a moment, he wanted to tear the bindings off the walls, break the warden's arms out of his sockets and watch him bleed. For just a moment...

And he'd been ashamed of himself for months because of that. It's... both terrifying and relieving to get it out in the open, because what does Billy think of him now? Is he a lesser man now? Is he not as good anymore in his eyes?

The thought makes a shudder run through his body, and he takes in a hiccuping breath. These things are so hard to admit, and he knows, he knows that he's not done yet. So many things kept inside are still waiting to come out, and now that he's started, he just... can't stop. Not unless Billy asks him.]

Then - Then it was my turn. I was actually kind of relieved - It meant he stopped hurting you. And - You were still recovering, but I tried to be the tough guy and not show any pain for him. [He lets out something of a half chuckle, half sob.] It sure didn't work very well...

I don't think I've ever felt pain like that. It was so deep, and when it tried to heal he just cut again. And when it healed too fast, he used some other tool. I wanted to get out of there. And - I heard you screaming, and Karolina was saying something too, but...

[This is perhaps the hardest thing of all to admit, and he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his cheek against his boyfriend's chest, his voice shaky.]

I wanted to die, Billy. That's how bad it was. I just wanted it to stop...

[His description of what he went through is the hardest part, and Billy has to fight the urge to interrupt, or to tell him to stop. It hurts, those memories, and he's not over them himself, but this is what Teddy needs. And he'll be whatever Teddy needs him to be right now.

Right now that is two things: strong, and quiet. He can do that.

He listens to every word, supporting Teddy as best as he can with his hands, his arms, his whole body, and it isn't until that last part that he draws back, stricken, to hold Teddy's face, shaken, and kiss him briefly before resting their foreheads together.]

Oh Teddy- oh god. No. Not ever, okay? Not ever...

[He can't fathom how much pain it must have been, going through that. Maybe he'd have wanted to die, too. But he- he can't- he can't stay silent, hearing that. He can't.

I don't ever want you to die.]

[It takes a good deal of will for Teddy to move his hands up, up to rest them against the sides and nape of Billy's neck, and for him to keep eye contact for more than three seconds. But after that, he has to shut his eyes and grit his teeth, unable to nod due to their foreheads touching together, though he tries to convey it by the back of Billy's jaw with his thumbs. Never - or, at least, he'll do his best. In their line of work, just one wrong move could cost them their lives. But for as long as he's living, he'll never wish for that again. For Billy's sake as well as his own.

With a sharp inhale, he continues. Just one little part...]

I thought I did die at first. I was - I was choking on something, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything; it was like everything just started to... dull. Or something.

[He opens his eyes, tears still falling freely, and he shifts his hands back to cover Billy's cheeks.]

And all I could think about was you. You calling my name was the last thing I heard.

["Stop it, stop it!! You're killing him! Teddy, Ted-!!"]

Edited 2013-02-05 12:26 (UTC)

[Billy swallows hard at that, fingers moving listlessly against Teddy's cheeks, his thumbs brushing over the tears. That had been the hardest moment- watching Teddy choking on his own blood, screams fading into coughs and then into silence, going still as death...]

I... I was so scared. I thought you were dying, too. You weren't moving, you were so quiet...

[There had, at least, been one small mercy at that moment, one he'll never forget, even if it burns him to admit it.]

He... he didn't even blink. Like it didn't matter if you died. But I thought- even if it scared me, even if I couldn't hear your voice anymore, I thought that- at least- at least you weren't suffering anymore...

[At least, maybe, just maybe, while unconscious he could have some sort of respite from all that pain.]

[And Teddy does the same for Billy, fingers stroking over his cheeks and catching his tears. It's rare, moments like this, where they cry together rather than Teddy trying to hide it for both of their sakes. Discovering something more about each other; Teddy knew the gist of what Billy was thinking after he passed out, but never like this. Never after Teddy finished pouring his heart out about it.

The side of his lips quirk up humorlessly, just as an automatic reaction.]

You were right. I didn't feel anything until I woke up. It still hurt so much, it wasn't healing right or anything, but I guess he stopped...

I heard you. ["I want you to die."] I heard Xavin. ["I will show you the face of war!!"] And the next thing I knew, Karolina was freeing me, and it still hurt, but...

Xavin was about to kill someone. I know... I know that I thought he should've died earlier. I know he doesn't really deserve mercy from anyone. But... We were heroes. Young Avengers. All of us, even the Runaways. I couldn't... break everything we were and everything we all fought to be and believed in by letting Xavin kill him. I couldn't.

[He tries not to cling too tightly, even if his fingers want to tense and clench desperately at the words he hears. That, right there? That's what separates them from people like the warden. That's what makes them worthy of carrying on the Avengers name. That's why great men like Captain America believes in them.]

We... are heroes. All of us, just like you said.

[His voice is stronger again, resolute and unwavering. Whatever else he might doubt, whatever frightens him or makes him cry and scream and cling to the ones he loves like the world is ending, he'll always believe in that.

At the end of the day, they didn't kill anyone, they didn't fall to that level, and they didn't let each other or themselves die. Even if they considered it... they didn't allow death to become the answer.]

[His gaze darts down to Billy's stomach again as he bites his lip and nods slowly. It's true, after all. They were all heroes, and they would live up to that ideal, be worthy of it. They were better than the warden, and that... knowing that is so much more satisfying than any of the other grim outcomes that they all likely thought of.

And now... Teddy's done talking. Everything he'd kept inside is out in the open, leaving him feeling vulnerable and weak.

It's why, after just a moment, he squeezes his eyes shut, wraps his arm around his boyfriend's waist and buries his face in his shoulder, allowing himself to just cry and hide right here, murmuring a few apologies for - for everything. If he can be like this with anyone, it's Billy, the person he loves so much. Billy's the only one who can see him without the walls he likes to keep up, leaving behind someone who can cry and scream and cling just as much as anyone else. And he's he only one who Teddy allows himself to lean on while he gathers up those shattered walls again, rather than hide away to do so. And... he's okay with that.]

[Billy doesn't protest the embrace - that's the last thing he'd ever think to do, at this point - but rather slides his arms around Teddy's shoulders, holding him tightly, one hand returning to his hair to stroke it soothingly. He shares those tears, quietly and unashamedly, murmuring with his lips close to Teddy's ear.]

You're strong, T... you're the strongest person I know. I was so proud of you that day, and I'm proud of you today, too.

[Staying silent, holding in your pain... that's not the mark of strength.

Real strength is being able to rely on others when you need help. He's learned that the hard way himself, and... now it's Teddy's turn. His time to share this pain with someone he trusts.

And Billy's glad it was him.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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