selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Billy's response is a quiet laugh into the mop of silken blond hair, nuzzling against him and sliding his arms around Teddy's neck to hold him just as close. The sound is gentle, not mocking, affectionate and once more at ease. He wants Teddy to be relaxed, to stop fretting, to hold on to him and know that they'll both be fine, just like always. And he feels stupid for- well, for being stupid, for letting this linger and make it worse.

It's not like he can give up the magic lessons - or not that he can't, but he thinks it would be worse for all of them if he did - but he doesn't want them to be a cause of stress for the person he loves. That was never his intent.]

Dummy. How could we ever lose each other? We're a team.

[More than just as Young Avengers. More than friends. They're family, bound by ties stronger even than blood, because blood doesn't always mean anything, especially not for them over the last year or so. Since they'd met, become superheroes, learned so much about themselves and each other.

His voice drops to a whisper, pressing a line of gentle kisses along Teddy's hairline, down to his jaw.]

I'd change reality itself to stay with you if I had to.

[It's not a serious comment, not really - he can't imagine a situation that would merit something like that - but the sentiment is no less real. That's how much I want this, he's really saying. That's how much you mean to me.

How much I love you.]

[There's a small, affectionate little "heh" at that, muffled against Billy's skin. Teddy can get the meaning behind it, and it warms his heart to hear it, but he can't help comparing it to those cheesy Valentine's cards that he was forced to give to other kids all during grade school. He tries not to imagine what that phrase would look like, lest he actually laughs and ruin the moment.

Instead, he moves his head to press gentle kisses along Billy's neck, up to his jawline, then brushes his nose against the other boy's ear before his own voice drops to a whisper.]

And I'd do anything for you. Anything.

[Fight for him, protect him from what might come at him, whether it's a villain or shady friend. Love him, stand by him. He'd even be anything he wanted for...

No, his thoughts shouldn't take that direction. Billy would never want that. That's one of the things that's so remarkable about Billy; Teddy could literally be who he wanted, what he wanted, and Billy chose the person behind the powers, taking in every flaw and detail without asking to change.

God, he loves him so much.

And when he opens his eyes, still near Billy's ear, he can see the scars there. The effects of seeing them has muted with time, but this close, he still feels his gut clench a little, still lets his mind wander to that time. How he pulled against an unmovable force with everything he had, using more strength than he ever did, desperate to stop that man from -

He shuts his eyes and lets his cheek rest against Billy's.]

If you ever wanted to talk about what happened... You know I'm here, yeah? I think it's something couples do. Talk about stuff like that when they need to...

[And in that moment, just like that, it clicks: what's been bothering him, prodding at the back of his mind despite his attempts to ignore it. That something's been wrong, something's been missing in... whatever he called this. This recovery process.

He's been so selfish, even if Teddy would never say as much. And hearing him say that, make that offer, is a punch right to the gut. Teddy's always been there for him, holding him while he cried, comforting him after the nightmares, caring for him through his fever in the days after it happened. Even rescuing him, apparently, risking his life to get him out of that prison.

When has he ever done the same for Teddy, who has his own awful experiences to deal with, who had suffered so much at the hands of that terrible man, who never, ever talked about it himself?

God, he's the worst boyfriend ever. Stubbornly, he crushes that feeling of guilt - or rather, lets it become a driving force instead - in favour of pulling back enough to look Teddy in the eyes, sympathy and that same determination as before mixed in his gaze.

No backing down this time. Even if it hurts to hear, even if neither of them want to go through it again. Teddy's endured those memories for him in the past, and Billy will be damned if he lets him do it alone again.]

You're right... couples talk about this stuff. And we should, too. Both of us, together.

[His hands lift, stroking gently through Teddy's hair.]

But you never have. You kept it all in for my sake.

[His eyes narrow a little- not judging, god, far from it, but... critical. Prying, almost. The message should be obvious: you don't have to anymore.]

[To Teddy, those words, and the way Billy's looking at him now, feels like he's up on stage with a spotlight shining right on him. Worst of all, he doesn't know his lines.

But it's different from other times in the past when he was expected to talk. He isn't alone on the stage, after all. This person he loves is right in front of him, hands in his hair as if to take his attention away from everything else. That doesn't mean it isn't hard; this isn't the way Teddy copes with things. He'd much rather accept that it happened, keep it within, walk on, keep it far away yet the knowledge he learned from it close. Talking just reopens wounds that he'd carefully placed band-aids over, and then they don't close for a good while again.

Yet... now he's feeling like the selfish one. Billy's the one who opened up and let loose everything that hurt, that scarred, that made him cry. Teddy... never did.

And, for once, he feels like just... letting it go. Maybe he does need to voice some things... Maybe he just doesn't know how much it bothers him.

He looks down at Billy's stomach, not wanting to see his eyes or his face for this. At least, not right now. At such a vulnerable moment, he can't stand looking at someone who's staring at him. But he also moves his hands to rest on Billy's arms, a silent plea to keep them there.]

It... wasn't just for your sake.

... Where do I even start? I don't know...

[It's true that it wasn't all for him- he knows that. Teddy's always kept his issues pretty close to his chest. But in the past, Billy's never been afraid to ask about them, and Teddy didn't hesitate as much about sharing them with someone he trusts, which is why he even knows stuff like Greg in the first place. But this? He didn't ask. So Teddy didn't speak up.

He wants to take responsibility for that.

Billy is immediately grateful when Teddy doesn't protest, though it's also concerning; it shows how badly Teddy needs this. Obeying the blond's silent request, he remains close, winding his arms around Teddy's shoulders and tugging him against his own body, fingers still sliding through his hair soothingly. He brushes his lips against Teddy's forehead, voice dropping to a murmur.]

Anywhere. With anything. Whatever you need to say... I'm here. I'm listening.

[Even if it takes all night, or even if he never says anything at all. Even if he just needs to be held.

He's not going anywhere this time.]

[Rather than talk right then, Teddy decides to let out a long sigh and rest his temple against his boyfriend's collarbone, both arms encircling his lower waist with the fingers of one hand catching on one of Billy's back pockets. And there, he shuts his eyes, letting himself be caught up in the fact that he's completely covered and surrounded by the one he loves. It's comforting, extremely so, to feel that way. Teddy, as strong as he is, always felt pretty secure in himself in terms of feeling safe. Strange, then, how he feels remarkably safe right now.

It's why he lingers for several minutes, just taking it all in and letting himself relax. It's only then that he opens up those memories in his head, ones that he never let anyone else see, not even Billy. Not even himself, unless it was forced on him. His memories jump everywhere, from the moment Noh-varr had taken Billy out and then rounded on him before he could even get his boyfriend's name out of his mouth, to the time when he had to excuse himself after cutting into some meat at the dinner table, trying to be polite but needing to hurry to give in to the sudden dizziness and nausea.

And, of course, the event itself.

His loose hold tightens a little, and then he starts to talk.]

I've never felt so helpless before. So useless. I've got all this strength, and I couldn't even use it. You know what it's like... It was the same for me, too. I've never been trapped in my life. Even when I was locked in somewhere, I could always just break down the door.

[His voice gets a little thicker as the memories worsen. Billy, screaming and thrashing as much as his bonds would allow him to, and the doctor patting the boy's ear like it had done a good job or something - ]

But I couldn't get out of there. I fought so hard and the thing didn't even budge. I was probably scaring Karolina even more than she already was... I've hardly ever felt like that. You were in so much pain and he kept going and I couldn't do anything...

[Billy doesn't move much as he waits, just holds Teddy in soothing silence, hands stroking, nuzzling with his chin occasionally. He'll be patient; Teddy's always been more careful with his words than him, so he'd kind of expected this.

He wills himself not to tremble as Teddy finally speaks, his hands tensing a bit where they're in contact with the other boy before he forces them to move again, fingers twisting nervously through Teddy's hair once more. It's half to comfort his boyfriend, and half to comfort himself, really. He needs to keep his calm. Anything to keep from making Teddy think that he needs to stop. Not when he knows this is already so difficult for him.

He doesn't think as much about his own suffering in the Cube; it had been awful, yes, and the scars have stuck with him all this time, but the worst of it had been watching, listening to Teddy's suffering and being so helpless. It had felt like it would go on forever, especially after Teddy passed out.

So... more than anything else, he understands this. He'd rather have suffered endlessly than watch even a minute of Teddy against the wall like that, bleeding and screaming...

His own grip tightens against his will, his voice muffled against Teddy's hair, a little tremulous, but not faltering.]

I remember. I couldn't hear it that well, but... you were trying to save me.

And I couldn't. Every time he hurt you, it felt like he was... ripping apart something inside me. And when he taunted you, when he wouldn't shut up -

[This part is harder to admit. Teddy's already allowed tears to escape, and Billy can probably feel them starting to gather in his shirt. And now, this... It wasn't just that the warden was hurting Billy so horribly, but the fact that he enjoyed it, that he kept going on and on about not using anesthesia, to keep screaming, even taunted Teddy himself, saying that the bracers were cutting down his strength and that it was useless but he loved to see him struggle anyway - ]

I wanted to tear him apart. I think... just for that moment, I really wanted him to die.

Edited 2013-02-05 05:25 (UTC)

[For a moment, there's no reaction, just frozen surprise. His fingers tense in Teddy's hair, and then he shudders, holding the blonde just a little more tightly against his body. He doesn't know what to say. Months of remembering Teddy in those moments, after he'd said the most terrible thing he can ever recall saying, seeing the shapeshifter rise above them all and spare that man...

...but now...

He's crying too, just as silently, because unlike Teddy he's never been able to mask or hold in his emotions that well, but he's trying to keep his head lifted, chin up so they dry on his cheeks. He nods against Teddy's hair, though, exhaling tremulously, and slides a hand down his back to respond because he doesn't trust his voice.

You too?

In a way... it's a relief to hear it. That he wasn't alone in those moments, even in his own dark thoughts.]

[Teddy just hopes those movements are supportive rather than out of horror, that he, too, had fallen into a very dark place for just a moment. For just a moment, he wanted to tear the bindings off the walls, break the warden's arms out of his sockets and watch him bleed. For just a moment...

And he'd been ashamed of himself for months because of that. It's... both terrifying and relieving to get it out in the open, because what does Billy think of him now? Is he a lesser man now? Is he not as good anymore in his eyes?

The thought makes a shudder run through his body, and he takes in a hiccuping breath. These things are so hard to admit, and he knows, he knows that he's not done yet. So many things kept inside are still waiting to come out, and now that he's started, he just... can't stop. Not unless Billy asks him.]

Then - Then it was my turn. I was actually kind of relieved - It meant he stopped hurting you. And - You were still recovering, but I tried to be the tough guy and not show any pain for him. [He lets out something of a half chuckle, half sob.] It sure didn't work very well...

I don't think I've ever felt pain like that. It was so deep, and when it tried to heal he just cut again. And when it healed too fast, he used some other tool. I wanted to get out of there. And - I heard you screaming, and Karolina was saying something too, but...

[This is perhaps the hardest thing of all to admit, and he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his cheek against his boyfriend's chest, his voice shaky.]

I wanted to die, Billy. That's how bad it was. I just wanted it to stop...

[His description of what he went through is the hardest part, and Billy has to fight the urge to interrupt, or to tell him to stop. It hurts, those memories, and he's not over them himself, but this is what Teddy needs. And he'll be whatever Teddy needs him to be right now.

Right now that is two things: strong, and quiet. He can do that.

He listens to every word, supporting Teddy as best as he can with his hands, his arms, his whole body, and it isn't until that last part that he draws back, stricken, to hold Teddy's face, shaken, and kiss him briefly before resting their foreheads together.]

Oh Teddy- oh god. No. Not ever, okay? Not ever...

[He can't fathom how much pain it must have been, going through that. Maybe he'd have wanted to die, too. But he- he can't- he can't stay silent, hearing that. He can't.

I don't ever want you to die.]

[It takes a good deal of will for Teddy to move his hands up, up to rest them against the sides and nape of Billy's neck, and for him to keep eye contact for more than three seconds. But after that, he has to shut his eyes and grit his teeth, unable to nod due to their foreheads touching together, though he tries to convey it by the back of Billy's jaw with his thumbs. Never - or, at least, he'll do his best. In their line of work, just one wrong move could cost them their lives. But for as long as he's living, he'll never wish for that again. For Billy's sake as well as his own.

With a sharp inhale, he continues. Just one little part...]

I thought I did die at first. I was - I was choking on something, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything; it was like everything just started to... dull. Or something.

[He opens his eyes, tears still falling freely, and he shifts his hands back to cover Billy's cheeks.]

And all I could think about was you. You calling my name was the last thing I heard.

["Stop it, stop it!! You're killing him! Teddy, Ted-!!"]

Edited 2013-02-05 12:26 (UTC)

[Billy swallows hard at that, fingers moving listlessly against Teddy's cheeks, his thumbs brushing over the tears. That had been the hardest moment- watching Teddy choking on his own blood, screams fading into coughs and then into silence, going still as death...]

I... I was so scared. I thought you were dying, too. You weren't moving, you were so quiet...

[There had, at least, been one small mercy at that moment, one he'll never forget, even if it burns him to admit it.]

He... he didn't even blink. Like it didn't matter if you died. But I thought- even if it scared me, even if I couldn't hear your voice anymore, I thought that- at least- at least you weren't suffering anymore...

[At least, maybe, just maybe, while unconscious he could have some sort of respite from all that pain.]

[And Teddy does the same for Billy, fingers stroking over his cheeks and catching his tears. It's rare, moments like this, where they cry together rather than Teddy trying to hide it for both of their sakes. Discovering something more about each other; Teddy knew the gist of what Billy was thinking after he passed out, but never like this. Never after Teddy finished pouring his heart out about it.

The side of his lips quirk up humorlessly, just as an automatic reaction.]

You were right. I didn't feel anything until I woke up. It still hurt so much, it wasn't healing right or anything, but I guess he stopped...

I heard you. ["I want you to die."] I heard Xavin. ["I will show you the face of war!!"] And the next thing I knew, Karolina was freeing me, and it still hurt, but...

Xavin was about to kill someone. I know... I know that I thought he should've died earlier. I know he doesn't really deserve mercy from anyone. But... We were heroes. Young Avengers. All of us, even the Runaways. I couldn't... break everything we were and everything we all fought to be and believed in by letting Xavin kill him. I couldn't.

[He tries not to cling too tightly, even if his fingers want to tense and clench desperately at the words he hears. That, right there? That's what separates them from people like the warden. That's what makes them worthy of carrying on the Avengers name. That's why great men like Captain America believes in them.]

We... are heroes. All of us, just like you said.

[His voice is stronger again, resolute and unwavering. Whatever else he might doubt, whatever frightens him or makes him cry and scream and cling to the ones he loves like the world is ending, he'll always believe in that.

At the end of the day, they didn't kill anyone, they didn't fall to that level, and they didn't let each other or themselves die. Even if they considered it... they didn't allow death to become the answer.]

[His gaze darts down to Billy's stomach again as he bites his lip and nods slowly. It's true, after all. They were all heroes, and they would live up to that ideal, be worthy of it. They were better than the warden, and that... knowing that is so much more satisfying than any of the other grim outcomes that they all likely thought of.

And now... Teddy's done talking. Everything he'd kept inside is out in the open, leaving him feeling vulnerable and weak.

It's why, after just a moment, he squeezes his eyes shut, wraps his arm around his boyfriend's waist and buries his face in his shoulder, allowing himself to just cry and hide right here, murmuring a few apologies for - for everything. If he can be like this with anyone, it's Billy, the person he loves so much. Billy's the only one who can see him without the walls he likes to keep up, leaving behind someone who can cry and scream and cling just as much as anyone else. And he's he only one who Teddy allows himself to lean on while he gathers up those shattered walls again, rather than hide away to do so. And... he's okay with that.]

[Billy doesn't protest the embrace - that's the last thing he'd ever think to do, at this point - but rather slides his arms around Teddy's shoulders, holding him tightly, one hand returning to his hair to stroke it soothingly. He shares those tears, quietly and unashamedly, murmuring with his lips close to Teddy's ear.]

You're strong, T... you're the strongest person I know. I was so proud of you that day, and I'm proud of you today, too.

[Staying silent, holding in your pain... that's not the mark of strength.

Real strength is being able to rely on others when you need help. He's learned that the hard way himself, and... now it's Teddy's turn. His time to share this pain with someone he trusts.

And Billy's glad it was him.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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