selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Teddy notices the wetness in Billy's eyes, and it makes him bump foreheads with his boyfriend, then holds him close as he reclines, leaning back until his head is against the pillow again. One hand reaches down to pull the covers up and over them, and the other slides up to Billy's hair, carding his fingers through the strands.]

I love you. [Once the cover's over them enough to trap some heat, Teddy moves his now free hand to stroke his cheek.] I love you so much...

[Billy slumps almost bonelessly against Teddy now that they're lying down, curling up as close as he can get and burying his face in the crook of his boyfriend's neck. He lets his eyes rub against the surface of the pillow for a moment - just enough to brush away the tears before they can fall - before shifting his head back to let Teddy stroke his face, one hand lifting to join the one touching him as he smiles.]

I love you, too... and... thank you. For pulling me along with you. It really is better when we do it together...

I wouldn't want to be there without you beside me.

[Teddy lifts his legs, then turns them to entwine with Billy's, even using a bit of shifting when human limitations make it impossible to do more. It's like he's trying to get as close as possible, wanting to hold and touch him in every way, after being so deprived of it for so long.]

I think... maybe the springs can wait for a few minutes. Yeah?

[Billy notices the shifting down below - it'd be hard not to, with them already so close - but all he does is blink and then relax, allowing himself to be pulled in. Honestly, it's great to see Teddy shifting when he wants to again, rather than when he thinks he needs to impress someone. He might still slip up now and then, but Billy can tell the difference between the two. This? This is a good shift.]

Ha... yeah, I think you're right. Though we'll have to get cleaned up eventually.

[They've done the whole sleep-while-sticky before. It never ends well when morning comes.

He's okay with cuddling for a while, though. They need this, they really do. And he just wants to quietly relish in the aftermath now. He settles in as close as he can be, nuzzling affectionately against Teddy.]

Right now, though, I'm pretty happy with where I am.

[Of course, a hug would not bring Thor or Leah back, but perhaps it could soften the pain a little. Loki presses his face against the fabric of Billy's shirt and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, realizing once again how sad he is and how tired it has made him.]

That is why you looked that awful. Because it is not an easy thing to present a lot of us with perfect lives, perpetuating such an elaborated spell for...weeks.

[Loki's words were spoken in a soft tone.]

By Odin's sores...why would you put yourself through that...

[That's a much harder question to face, so at first he just shakes his head. It isn't wrong. It's never wrong to forgive, he believes that wholeheartedly. It's just really difficult to fathom being able to, if their roles were reversed. That's how bad he thinks this all was.]

Maybe I did. There were times... when I thought it would be better for everyone if I died. Even knowing that it would just be for a couple of days, even then... I couldn't help it. I thought if I wasn't around, you'd all be better off.

[Sitting alone in the corner of his room, listening to Teddy's muffled sobs in the bathroom, his own magic building around him to give him what he desired most in that moment-

IwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodie

That was a very dark day. And not the only one, besides- just the worst of many.]

Maybe I thought someone else would... do what I couldn't.

[It's not like it was a conscious choice, but looking back, it's probably what he'd expected. And maybe Teddy had known it too, for him to insist on accompanying Billy. Maybe what he really needed protection from was his own stupid self.]

[Loki settles back in his chair, very still for a moment. He stares at a point somewhere over Billy's head as he listens. It feels like the words build in his throat, fit to gag him. Why is this important? Why share it?

Because it means not being alone, in a way. Maybe he doesn't always have to be alone, in everything. And perhaps Billy doesn't either.]

I once offered Rogue my blood to pay for...something I had done. Blood for blood, you know. It is ancient. Elemental.

[He manages a small, strange smile.]

As you can imagine, she wasn't terribly pleased with the offer. [She'd been so hasty at taking the knife from him that he'd cut his own skin.]

But there was a part of me in that moment, that thought how nice it would have been, to just not have to be for a few days.

[Loki waits until Billy is out of his apartment, then under cover of invisibility slips inside. He rearranges Billy's bookshelves to put everything in reverse order of height, then short sheets his bed because why not. Then he finds Billy's chess set and puts it out on one of the shelves, setting up the pieces to echo the halfway point of the last game that he and Billy played.]

Ha...

[It's a humourless laugh, short-lived and helplessly bitter.]

In my defense... I really didn't think it would end up the way it did. There was so much magic, I assumed I could just... hold it. That everything would be okay. But reality... doesn't like being changed that way. It wasn't meant to last.

[...Ah.

As terrible as all of that sounds, there's something incredibly freeing about knowing that he's not alone in the experience. And at the same time, he can't imagine anything worse.]

It's... scary, isn't it? The moment after... the sensation of... still being alive. I never thought something as small as not dying could be so... intense.

[When the spell hadn't worked, when he stopped thinking and started breathing, when he'd realized that he hadn't stopped?

There's nothing like that experience in the entire world. Like he'd pulled the trigger and missed- all of reality moved around him until he felt himself centered, grounded again.

Amazing. So amazing. And it's not like it fixed anything, but...

The will to live is an incredible thing, that's all.]

[That hadn't been his experience at all. All he'd felt was despair, more despair, exhaustion, pain.

And gazing up into the event horizon-- No, that hadn't been suicide, though. Thor had thrown him.

Also, he decides, wasn't really what Billy needed to hear from him at that moment. And really, that had been the point of the story, hadn't it?

He nods.]

I wouldn't recommend making a habit of chasing death, however.

No... I learned that lesson. If I hadn't then, I definitely would have from Teddy.

[He ducks his head, practically shrinking into his chair. He'd melt right into the floor if he could.]

I'll never forget his face when I told him. I'm all he has, you know? And... even if I think I'm not much, I want to be there for him. He deserves so much more.

[This, too, feels horribly familiar. Loki nods.]

I understand that well.

So it seems that you will have to live with yourself. And with the...unforgiving forgiveness of others. Which I suppose brings us back to the original question. We know who you feel is responsible, but that isn't something to necessarily be trusted. What do you know?

[That... he needs a minute to think about that, actually. Because he knows some things, sure, and there's a lot he doesn't know, at the same time. The uncertainty is the worst part of all of this, aside from the fact that it happened at all.

What does he know, though. What does he know?]

...I know... I'd never have done what I did without... something else being a part of it. I mean, that's what I have to believe, if... I'm ever going to be able to get past this. It's either that, or start calling myself a monster... because only a monster would do that to the people he loves...

Mmhmm. [Teddy desperately needs this, holding the love of his life and reveling in the affection and love that comes from afterglow. He needs it like a thirsty man needs water, and he certainly takes his time to drink it up.

It's not just because this feels wonderful; it's Billy, right there and holding him and nuzzling against him and pressing closer despite Teddy's weird shifting that makes this so important. There were so many things he worried about, still worries about, regarding him and them and what's genuine and what isn't. This? This makes those worries disappear, makes the monsters seem less threatening with each tender caress and touch, each word of love and admiration that Billy gives him.

Teddy needs this, and so he relishes in it, breathes it in and soaks in their shared heat.]

You think we can do that again? Later, I mean. After we're springed out. [And maybe tomorrow, when they celebrate their anniversary for real, they can...]

[Billy has to look up at that, to catch Teddy's eyes and get a good look at his expression, surprise and lingering anxiety in his own. But mostly? It's anticipation. He has no idea if Teddy means more sex or just cuddling, but honestly, it doesn't matter to him. Whatever they decide to do, it'll be good. It'll be great. Because it's them, together, a team.

And this is what he's been craving all this time, it seems. Being together. Being comfortable. Being freely, openly in love.

He smiles, and it's bright and honest and genuinely happy with the suggestion, whatever the meaning behind it might be.]

...I'd like that.

You never could have, without an outside source of power. Not as you are now. That is a fact upon which you can build.

[He smiles slightly.]

I think my lady might say here that a monster is a thing that cannot love. But she and I have our differences as to the definition of that word.

Maybe that's part of the problem, too.

[He's still learning so much about the world - the universe, even - and how little of it is actually black and white.]

Maybe I don't know what a monster is, but I'm still afraid of becoming one.

[Loki smiles sharply.]

Depending upon where the line is drawn, I am a monster.

Do you think a monster would fear being what he is?

[He's not sure he likes where this conversation is going.]

I think a monster wouldn't fear anything, because they'd already lost whatever made them... better.

[Not good, not evil. Not even some neutral, indescribable or undefined category in between. Just... better.]

Then you have answered your own concern, yes?

[Loki was afraid, once, of being a monster. Afraid the first time he saw his skin turn blue. He's accepted that is what he is, now. The doubt now his has been given to him by Rogue, by her insistence that he isn't a monster, that he can love and should. The doubt that made him afraid how she might look at him, when he hadn't cared how anyone else did since being flung from the Bifrost.]

...I guess I do.

[Now it's just a matter of... letting it sink in, and actually believing it. That's a little more difficult.]

[The rest of the day had been spent soaking in the hot springs once their energy returned to them. Billy woke first and performed his usual routine: breakfast, morning exercises, and finally, performing his interpretation of an alarm clock as he flopped on Teddy and nuzzled into his hair and told him it was time to get up until Teddy slowly returned to the conscious world. From there, they remained close: cuddling in bed and wishing each other a happy anniversary while Teddy worked the sleep out of his system, got him some breakfast, and before they could go relax in the springs again, he took Billy's hand and started to lead him back to the room.]

So. I made something for you.

[This morning had been different; Billy had felt it, from the very moment that he'd awoken in Teddy's arms right until he'd fallen back into them to watch his boyfriend - two-year lover - open his eyes and smile at him. That two year bit was the reason, of course. Nothing in the world could be more obvious than that. It wasn't even that nice of a day- it was cold, and the sky was gray, and overall it had that familiar, dreary winter overtone that made him want to burrow under the covers and never come out. But he'd been allowing himself to do that far too much for weeks now. An anniversary means the start of a new year - the third year - and that means a new beginning. A fresh chance. The fact that Teddy seems to feel it too just makes it seem even more real.

He's ready for it- to embrace the day, to have a great anniversary, and to show Teddy in every way possible how loved he is. So when Teddy takes him by the hand and leads him back into their private little corner of the bathhouse, he's as pleased as he is kicking himself that Teddy beat him to it. Still, one of them had to go first.]

You... made something?

Yeah. Made something.

[Teddy's a little nervous about it, seeing how it is something he made, poured a lot of thought and feelings into, and displaying something like that is always nerve-wracking, especially in front of people whose opinion you really care about. But Teddy seems to hide it well enough, the emotion only evidenced in how he holds Billy's hand a little tighter than usual.

Once they're in the room, Teddy pulls Billy ahead of him and gestures for him to sit on the bed, then reaches under "his" pillow for the folder he'd tucked under there yesterday, then for the guitar resting at the end of the bed.]

I couldn't get another phone for you or anything. You know, money being tight in this economy. But I hope this makes up for it.

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, November 22nd]

[Action, November 22nd]

[Action, November 22nd]

[Action, November 22nd]

[action] [1st of december]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[December 11: THE PRANKENING]

[action] [1st of december]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 22nd]

[Action, November 22nd]

Re: [Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 18]

[Action, November 23rd] timeskip~

[Action, November 23rd] wheee~

[Action, November 23rd]