selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You don't have to use that as an excuse, after everything you've already said. Will you be staying out for a little longer, until you feel more sorted out?

[Ha… true enough, lying about his reasons for all but disappearing is kind of pointless right now, isn’t it? It’s just hard not to, even after going public. He doesn’t want to talk about it.]

I… don’t know. Probably? I’m not… really comfortable. Around people.

Fair enough. You can take all the time you need, of course -- just don't bury yourself completely. I can always ask Teddy to take you home some assignments so you don't feel like you've fallen too behind.

[...Huh. He'd actually expected more resistence than that. Maybe he just looked pitiful enough for it to be okay.]

Ah... thanks. You don't mind?

Well, I do hope to see you back eventually. It's not a matter of me minding; you've been through a lot, and are making adjustments to your usual lifestyle. I understand that would take time. Especially in a place like this.

...Mm. I'm sure... I'll come back. When I'm ready.

[He hesitates, not sure if he's fully comfortable in explaining the rest, then just goes ahead with it.]

I guess... I was worried that I wouldn't be welcome.

[Which sounds kind of stupid, in retrospect, after how open to his apologies almost everyone has been.]

There's still going to be a seat for you, all right? You're owning up to everything that's happened. It's not an easy thing to do, or face... but you're doing it.

...Mm.

[He doesn't feel like it's anything to be praised for, even slightly. But that's nice to hear.]

Pretty sure a lot of people knew it was me, anyway, so... it was bound to come out eventually.

Even so, the difference is in how you chose to handle revealing it. Most people seemed to pass it off as a shift... you might not have had to say anything.

...I don't like dishonesty. Even if I did, I don't think I could've lived with the guilt.

[She nods - and that just proves her point. It's a little ironic, how far she's come along from being so distrustful.]

Instead you're doing your best to take responsibility for it, even if it does cost you.

Ha... but is that really being good about it, or just a preemptive move?

You just said you disliked being dishonest. Are you questioning your own motivations?

...Since it all happened, I've been questioning a lot about myself. What I'm capable of.

You were pushed to a limit. That doesn't define who you are as a person, Billy. Don't let your guilt turn you into something you never were.

It isn't my guilt that's done that, though, it's my powers. Putting it like that just makes it seem like an excuse.

Do you feel defined by your powers, then?

...no... yes? God, I don't know.

[It's a surprisingly difficult question to answer.]

I never thought I had much worth until I got powers. Now that I've decided not to use them anymore, I don't... really know what to do with myself.

Identifying that as a problem seems like a good place to start. One of my students... always said, 'you're still you'. Even without your powers, you're Billy. And... discovering what that means, I think, will help you in the long run, even if you do decide to use your powers again in the future.

["You're still you." He's not sure if that's as reassuring when one has a particular degree of self-loathing, but... well, he can at least try to take the words to heart. Give it some thought, and... decide later.]

It's... okay to not be defined by my magic, right? I mean... I like to think I'm more than that.

Yes, of course it's okay. Magic may play a large role in your life, but... you still have a life without it. You still are a person without it.

...Okay. Good.

[He pauses, and then shuffles awkwardly. The question was a bit dumb, but he can't deny how relieving it is to hear that as the answer.]

Thanks...

You're welcome, Billy. [She smiles, and cants her head.] Also, if you ever find yourself in need of something to do or just want somewhere neutral to hang out at, you're welcome to spend some time here if you wish. [Whether or not plants or moving boxes around are his thing, of course, is up to him. But at least the offer is in the air.]

Hah... noted.

[They are and they aren't, really- he likes nature, but greenhouses are kind of borderline natural, so his feelings on the matter are mixed. But-]

I guess while I'm here I could shop around. Is there such a thing as apology flowers?

For apologies, you might want to try hyacinth, or even roses... granted there isn't much of variety around this season.

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