selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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...I know. I saw them.

[Billy hesitates, feeling the discomfort and regret hit him hard, again. But he has to be up-front about this. Delaying it never helps.]

Loki, about that... I need to tell you something. About... how that all happened.

I miss them so...

[It is a bit hard for Loki to focus on the words coming from Billy's mouth. But when he realizes what those words are Loki perks up immediately...

...completely misinterpreting everything.]

You know how to get them back? I wish to be reunited with them, just for a couple of minutes, I want to say goodbye.

[He is hopeful and the words leave his mouth in a rushed way.]

No, I...

[He winces. If Loki had asked him that a few weeks ago, when he'd still been possessed and overpowered, he'd... probably have done it, too.]

I don't know how to do that. Or... even if I did, I couldn't help you. They weren't real. They were... constructs. Magical ones.

[He meets Loki's gaze for a moment, then looks down hastily.]

It was a spell... one of my spells.

[Loki feels as if he should have seen this coming. He knows better than that, right? All he can do is cry alone, get over it and move on, right? Not dwell upon sadness, not give in to the things that might twist his mind into something evil.

He had to be strong for his own sake because in the end everything would be okay. So that is what he tells himself, just that he will be okay. And that he is not angry. And not sad.

They were just gone again. And they weren't even real to begin with. It would be stupid to mourn the loss of a Thor and Leah that were not real. And it also would've been so much easier if Thor hadn't died...

So Loki closes his eyes.]

Why?

["Why" is somehow the hardest question he'd had to answer (repeatedly) all day. It has yet to get any easier, even if the response is practically rehearsed by now. He still sucks at it, and... it's still not - and never will be - an instant fix-all.]

...Because... I don't know. Because something was seriously wrong with my head. Because I thought I could make everyone happy... but I can't. Not even with magic, it's... impossible. And I won't ever let it happen again.

Loki has opened his eyes again when Billy speaks and looks at him. He hopes the answer would be sufficient. But it saddens him even more when he has to conclude that it is far from that.]

It is a selfless act of selfishness, that is what it is.

[He tries to keep his composure, after all, Billy is his friend.]

You have never even thought about the concequences. You grant others the life they always wanted. I...

[Loki frowns and looks at his hands. He is upset and chews his lower lip fiercely.]

...I wish Thor would tell me he forgave me. And I would wish that Leah's hand would be in mine. I miss them so, and your answer does not justify anything!

[The words come out a little bit too loud and he silences immediately. He wants to apologize but those words don't come out either. Loki huffs softly and covers his face with his hands. Because if he cries it would be better if he does it behind his hands.

And his voice is tiny when he speaks again, as if he is finally able to put words into something he has ignored for a very, very long time.]

I miss Thor. I miss him so.

[Billy winces at that. All of it. He wants to reach out, to put a hand on Loki's shoulder or something, but he's afraid of trying when he's the one who instigated this pain.]

...I know... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for... bringing this pain back. I never planned for any of this to happen... and you're right. My reasons for casting it... they don't make it okay. Nothing will.

[Loki finds himself torn between grief and anger and when he tries to change it, to look at it from another angle, it hits him right back in the face again.

When he tells himself not to cry, the tears only come quicker and he has to cover his mouth to silent himself. It has been a horrible long time since he cried that hard.]

It is easier to accept... [He tries his best to keep his voice from trembling.] ...when it would have been one of those schemes from the Malnosso in order to break us...or whatever scientific question they wish to answer...[Loki rubs his eyes fiercely.]... than a good friend.

[Billy's words don't do much for him, and really, he wishes it would be otherwise.]

I have always been happy. You are the one that isn't.
[Loki moves to stand on his feet to look at Billy, still wiping his eyes while doing.]

I just wish it wasn't you.

[And he leaves it with that. Because right now his bed is calling him and on top of his bed is a pillow he can cry into.]

Loki...

[Billy makes a move to follow, hand half-lifted, but he manages to stop himself somehow. Simple words won't make this just go away, much as he'd like it to, and he has no right to force anyone into forgiving him.

He lets his hand drop, grimacing, and ducks his head. He won't... stop Loki if he doesn't want to talk. He'll just... go.]

...I do, too.

[I wish for that. Maybe not out loud, but... I do.

More than anything.]

We will talk about this later. Right now I...

[Loki closes the door before he is able to finish that sentence, really he does not wish to cry like that around anyone. He presses his arm against his mouth to prevent sobs from coming out as he hurries towards his bed. The second his face makes contact with the pillow he feels a lot of things break inside of him.

So he cries, his shoulders shaking with the sobs he is producing, and his eyes turning puffy and red with all the tears they produce. And his head is full of why's and frustration.

And for once, he wishes to be alone. Because how could he ever explain to anyone that he has been the one who orchestrated Thor's death?]

[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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