selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[Oh geez. Oh hell-]

No, I- ...it's my fault. I asked them... to keep it a secret. I thought we'd all be better off... but not everyone agreed. I know I... shouldn't have done that. But I didn't know what else to do. You're not stupid, who would have expected you to guess this?

I know, I know... Ughh, it's this-- this stupid place! [Her hex aura lights up as she finally lets herself get a little angry.] None of us should have to deal with this-- Jerking us out of our worlds, it's not fair!

[He closes his eyes at the sudden light, shrinking away a little, though he tries to stop himself.]

Please, don't...

[Wanda looks at him, confused, still angry, still flickering with hex magic.] Don't--? Don't what?

...Don't... use magic. If- if you can avoid it. I...

[He can't handle it right now. What once was wonderful and warm is now terrifying and oppressive; he'd been so consumed by magic all last month that he'd nearly drowned in it.]

[Wanda's head pops back, almost as if she were slapped. Eyes wide, her mouth opens as if to speak but she says nothing.]

"D-don't..." [She repeats him, in shock, before looking at herself. The magic running over her is as clear as the nose on her face, and she looks back at him, almost in desperation.]

I--

[Unable to finish that, not even sure how she would if she wanted to, Wanda silences herself, and closes her eyes, drawing in a deep breath through the nose, trying to center herself, trying to not feel cut by his words.]

[Well, he's gone and done it now. Billy ducks his head, shamefaced, but he can't bring himself to take back his words. He feels awful, and he knows he's giving the wrong impression, but... god, he can still feel it, and it burns at him. The temptation, and... the fear.]

I'm sorry. It's not- it's not you. It's me, it's... that spell. What I did. I can't... I can't use my powers anymore. It's too dangerous, it... did too much. I have to stop. But every time I feel it, I...

[I want to...]

...Please. I'm begging you, just... I can't.

[She is in a tricky spot, because Wanda really can't just "Stop". The magic is always there for her, and when she's emotional, she runs the risk of hexing without meaning to. She could let go, the hex aura would disappear, as would the feeling of active magic no doubt. But letting go... that's when Wanda was at her most dangerous. When she caused the most violent of hexes.

So she is stuck. Trying to get herself under calmed down, but finding the need to be 'calmed down' hurtful, which only served to work her back up again.]

...I'm trying, please...! [She manages to say, through clenched teeth.

How did it come to this? In Billy she had found someone who understood, who was like her. Now, she had gained him as a family, but lost the understanding. Was it her? Did she not understand? She desperately wanted to.

It is not easy, and it does not come quickly, but her hex aura eventually flickers out. Wanda is not... calm exactly. Unable to center herself, she went instead for just "empty." A faux calm. Pushing the feelings away, she has opted for a blankness that cannot last forever, but is good enough-- for now.]

...

[Billy shuts his mouth when she responds, waiting silently to see how it goes. If she can't control it, he'll... endure it somehow, because to be fair, people shouldn't have to change their behaviour just because he can't deal with his own issues properly. But if it gets too difficult, he'll have to leave, and he doesn't want to...

She does manage it, though, and he finally slumps, hands clasping together in his lap. He feels even worse now, but he can't exactly take it back.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I shouldn't expect you to... just stop when I'm around... that's not fair. I just...

[Wanda is doing that long-stare thing, not making eye contact or focusing on anything in the room, really.]

... I don't understand. Why... can't you use your powers any more?

...Think back. What I did... what I changed... the people I hurt... how could I even think about doing magic anymore, with that hanging over my head? It's... I'm dangerous.

Magic is dangerous. That's... just what it is. It's what it always has been. It's what it always will be. [She responds, still with that flat expression. Her speech is somewhat less halting than normal.] You and I use magic. That makes us dangerous. But... I don't think this is anything new.

[At least she's not denying it. That helps.]

I don't... want to be dangerous. Not to the people I love. If giving up on magic will stop that, then it's a small price to pay, isn't it?

[She pauses, eyes moving slightly as she thinks about this.]

But how do you give it up? It's part of who you are.

I don’t know, honestly. I’m… still figuring that out. But I just know that I have to try. Out of respect for… the people I’ve hurt, if nothing else.

I tried to not be magic once. ... I very nearly killed people because of it. [Her eyes snap into focus, looking at Billy sharply now.] I hope you can do better than I did.

[He looks down at that, falling silent for a long moment. That's how he'd started out, too- nearly killing someone right from the beginning. And now his life as a mage is ending because he nearly killed someone.

Is that going to be his legacy?]

...me too.

[Wanda's eyes drop as well, as she considers telling him she knows how to shut off powers. It's something she learned during that... 'rebellious' period that she doesn't like thinking about. It's not a spell she's proud of, and it goes against everything she's been taught and believes.

But she does know it.

She hasn't tried to do it here. Maybe the slippery-slick nature of magic here would make it so she couldn't, even if she tried. The only way to know would be to try. And she doesn't want to do that.]

... I can't not be magic. I just can't. I'm... [Not sorry. She wants to say it, but she's not. She won't apologize for who she is. For what she is. She's invested too much of her life into the belief that this is how things are. And something-- something has to stay consistent in this reality-warping world of theirs. It has to. ]

I am what I am.

I'm not expecting you to change who you are. I'd never ask that of you.

[He looks serious now, more than ever, his expression earnest and fretful at the very idea. Identity is such a big deal to him, and the thought of making anyone change for him is horrifying.]

All I ask is... if you can, when we're together... try not to? Just- just for a while. Until I'm better at... not using it.

[He ducks his head, hands clenching against his knees. He hates asking this of people, but thanks to his own stupid powers, he knows so many people with magic, now... it's hard to be around them and not feel that ache of what he's lost.]

If you can't do that, I'll... figure something else out...

I'm always trying not to use magic. If I'm awake, then somewhere in my mind, I have to tell myself not to do magic. All the time. ... That's why I wanted to study with you. To be better at controlling it.

[Ahh, dammit, the feelings are trying to come back. She shakes her head. She wants to respect Billy's wishes, but it's hard to remain unemotional about this. This is her family and her powers. Both. The two most important things in her life.]

...I'm sorry... that I can't practice with you anymore.

[It's one of his many, many regrets in all of this. He just had to give a few things up after everything went to hell. And honestly, he's lucky he got away with only losing this much.]

But I still want to spend time with you, if... you'll let me.

Of course I'll let you. ... I just-- I can't always control my magic. [Case in point. She is very sad now, which is starting to overwhelm her emotionless state. Family. Another magic user. But somehow, this core thing that she can't control makes him not want to be around her. She feels awful. And her aura starts flickering up, bubbling barely perceptively.

She shakes her head. This. This right here. This is why Father always tells her she needs to learn control. Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes, lowering her head, and start meditating. She needs to. This hurts too much. ]

[Billy opens his mouth to respond, but as soon as he notices that her eyes are closed, he shuts it and remains silent, waiting it out. He may not be doing magic himself anymore, but he knows that this sort of thing requires focus, concentration- and as few distractions as possible.

So instead, he closes his own eyes and tucks his legs in, sitting cross-legged and silently meditating with her. He'll wait it out.]

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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