selfhelp | [Voice/Action]

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[Okay, so. Post-draft, he's given himself a few days of seclusion and bed-rest (apparently being infected with a zombie virus is exhausting), and even Billy can freely admit to himself that he's been pretty depressed lately, a fact for which he feels no shame considering that depression was well and truly earned. One can only spend so much time fretting, moping, and dwelling on one's own misery for so long, however, and today? He's decided that enough is enough. Billy will be going out today, limping around the village and visiting the people who were on the draft whose fate he's still uncertain of. The ones he can't find or has no reason to actually visit, he'll check with a light location spell, and he'll spend a few hours at Seventh Heaven people-watching out the window while he doodles in a book that Teddy had given him containing a series of patterns (much like this) that resemble inkblogs, and bit by bit Billy's turning them into something like this instead. It's been a tiring week, though, so you could always catch him napping on the table, instead.

At some point he'll attempt to find Peter, and when both a location spell and a teleport fails, he tries to teleport to the apartment he'd been staying at instead, finding it almost completely emptied. All he manages to dig up is a small cartridge that, after a moment of scrutiny, he identifies as a web fluid cartridge. His fanboyish glee at the discovery is tempered by the fact that the empty apartment means one more piece of bad news.

After his visits and window-watching is done, he'll return home to make the announcement, along with one more message-]

Hey out there... just wanted to let his friends know that Peter Parker went home. So... sorry. Yeah.

[Locked to Loki]

...We still on for tomorrow, or do you want to take a break? Because... you know. [Draft. Awfulness all around. He wouldn't blame Loki if he wanted to take a week off.

Later on in the evening he'll be over at Ben's barbeque, if anyone wants to bother him while he's there.]

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[Loki falls silent for a long time, because it's a difficult question, perhaps far more than it should be. Part of him wants to protest that he has no home, because whatever Asgard was to him, it was a lie like everything else. And he will return there, but it will not be a homecoming; rather, it will be attack and vengeance and invasion, ultimately.

But he also has to admit there are things he misses, his mother - even if she isn't really his mother - and Sif, the library, and he missed Vakri before the horse turned up here. He misses the lake, and the gardens, and the way the sky looked at sunset. There are things he misses, and he hates that he does, that the place that did nothing but lie to him still has such power.

It's a tangled mess, like everything else in his mind these days, now that he doesn't have a single driving purpose to keep it all clear. The more he thinks about it, the more complex it becomes. And while he likes complexity, he doesn't like it when it's wound up in his emotions and that much pain.

He misses clarity, of knowing where he is from and who he is and what he will do. The Tesseract had been good for that, if artificial. Because of course, he is Loki of Asgard, who once was king and will be again, but without the driving immediacy of purpose some traitorous part of him asks is that all? As if that isn't enough. As if there is more that he could want.

King of a people he hates in a place that betrayed him. Isn't that the best revenge of all? But there's something in it that feels off, when he thinks on it with breathing space where he's not burning with immediate hatred.

Loki pinches the bridge of his nose.]

I miss feeling safe.

Edited (Now with more tl;dr :D) 2012-11-10 23:26 (UTC)

[...Ah. There's a whole lot more to that than what's being said- Billy doesn't have to know Loki well to understand that much. The relationship between the god and his world - as well as his people - is complicated and far beyond his comprehension. Persecution he understands. Feeling out of place in one's own family, he gets. Even the whole "you're not my real family", to an extent. But his reaction to that news was much, much different- there was no betrayal, no lying, no great tragedy involved on his part. Confusing and terrifying as it is, he embraced it. He loved the idea of his true parentage being the Scarlet Witch, even when it came hand-in-hand with his soul coming from Mephisto, even if his mother was still a wanted mutant.

It's a far cry from Ice Giants, though. And he has no idea what to say for a long moment, fidgeting uncertainly.]

...What... would make you feel safe?

[Maybe at the end of all his plots and strategy, when he's reordered the world to something that makes more sense... but no. Paranoia has become a way of life. He knows that safety is an illusion, as is trust, loyalty, love, all of those things.

He smiles crookedly.]

Nothing, I should think.

[He knows too much for safety.

Better to change the subject.]

Have you been practicing with the puzzles?

[He's well-versed in the art of subject dodging, but after a response like that, he's not sure if he's particularly inclined to pursue it anyway. He files it away for, perhaps, another time though.]

As much as I can, yeah- I mean, when there's time. I'm getting better. It takes less time to solve the puzzles now, though I guess knowing how they work now plays a part in that, too.

Yes, that would be case. I've a few new ones you can work on. They're rather more complex. [The eyebrows go up.] Though the phrase 'when there's time' rather troubles me. Things like the draft, obviously, cannot be helped. But otherwise, I expect that you shall make the necessary time.

[He waves a hand.]

Demonstrate your progress.

Well, I did mean time between sleeping or recovering or other responsibilities, but yeah, I've been kind of slacking off since we got back. I got hit in the head. [He gives the side of his head a few little taps. But following Loki's request, he lifts his hands, summoning a puzzle into his palm seemingly from out of nowhere, transported from his apartment. He sets it down and, with a bit of focus (but less than it had taken the last time) solves it pretty quickly.]

Looks like it's true that repetition is a good way to learn something.

[Loki watches what Billy does keenly, also follow along the movement of magics, the alterations in reality. He nods, looking pleased.]

A great improvement already. Nicely done, Billy.

[The praise earns him a bright and somewhat shy smile.]

I think I get better at it the longer I know someone. Like it's a trust thing, almost?

It does make sense, as a matter of self-confidence, and trust does help that... [Only Billy needs to be good at this no matter who he is around, no matter what pressures. But but that should come in time. It isn't as if Billy is relying upon him right now.]

Another thing to work on, I guess.

[He's very well aware of the fact that being able to cast his spells quickly and efficiently only around people he knows is a huge risk. His magic has always been as sporadic as it is powerful, though, so he's not surprised about it, either.]

All a matter of practice. You haven't any trouble breathing around people you don't trust. [Eyebrow raise.] Or at least I assume not.

Not generally, no.

[Unless it involves gut-punching. That's a good way to be out of breath, he knows.]

Then we shall simply practice until it becomes as breathing.

Good thing I like magic. Otherwise I'd be kind of doomed.

[It's hard to imagine ever getting that far, to be honest- it had taken so much work just to get to the point where chanting could get a spell to work perfectly. And while it's true that since then he's made a lot of progress, and sometimes even been able to use his magic without chanting at all, it's never been particularly easy. Could he ever really be that strong, even with practice? His confidence has always believed otherwise.

But maybe that's what's holding him back in the first place.]

...You think I can do it?

[He laughs.] Indeed. 'tis always best if you love it.

[Loki nods gravely.]

Yes I do. The trick will be when you think you can do it.

[...Huh. Well, he's caught him there, hasn't he? Especially considering the nature of his magic and how he makes it work.

When I think I can do it... He glances down, staring at his hands and focusing. He doesn't summon his magic to manifest, but he feels it there, the spark of hidden electricity on his fingertips, the thrum of energy beneath his skin, flowing through him like blood through his veins. It's there, deep and powerful and incomprehensible.

But his. Always his.

When he thinks he can do it. No...]

When... when I know I can do it.

[Loki smiles and nods slightly.]

Yes. When you know you can.

...Sooo... maybe I should find a few more self-help books.

[It's only half a joke; corny as the books had seemed, they really had built him up into a routine of believing in himself, even if sometimes he needs an extra boost from someone else. Or just a sense of urgency. That works too.]

I'm not all that familiar with those.

I would think more practice. The more often you do something, the more you may be confident that you can do it again.

Yeah, okay.

[Sigh. Much as he hates the tediousness of repetition, it's true. Repetition and imagination are his best weapons when it comes to improvement with his powers.]

...Hey, do you ever use magic to heal? Or do gods just kind of recover automatically when you're injured?

I do, on occasion. But I prefer to not.

It is... not an area in which I have specialized.

I wonder... if it means anything, when it's harder for some than for others.

[His voice is quiet, almost to himself, and after a moment he looks up again, brows furrowed.]

I don't heal well. With other people it's always been hit and miss, and I've never been able to heal myself, not once.

I find it difficult because pain feels very real. It is difficult to fight past one's own reality, and that is why healing oneself can be difficult I think. And I have never caught the knack for healing someone else without... empathizing with them.

[Billy looks startled by this revelation; he's never understood his inability to heal his own injuries, attributing it rather pessimistically to his stubborn old sense of self-loathing, but that... made an astonishing amount of sense.]

I never thought of it that way... but yeah, that's probably it. Though I know I can't heal people that I... don't really like. Or have a reason to be angry with them, I guess.

[Loki snorts.] Those people, you probably don't feel sufficiently motivated to heal. Another thing that adds to the difficulty.

[action] Here. Have some tasty tasty tl;dr.

[action] omg loki so many words to say almost nothing

[action] it's magic, young padawan

[action] teach me this too

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