selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

Hey, the lakes are practically out in the middle of nowhere. We're fine.

[And as they start to approach a turn... Teddy suddenly gets an idea.]

Close your eyes for a minute.

[Wh- close his eyes? And leave himself at the mercy of the questionably-stable ice and his own clumsiness?

And Teddy. He's about to offer up a handful of protests when his own head reminds himself. Teddy would never let me crash.

It takes some courage and mental prodding, but Billy finally closes his eyes.]

Okay, do your worst.

[Please, please do not do your worst.]

Okay.

[Teddy just watches him for a few seconds, marveling how he looks, grateful and touched that he trusts him with this even though he's still clumsy on the ice.

But then he has to focus on their movements. Teddy maneuvers himself so that he can steady his hand against the small of Billy's back, his free one holding on to Billy's hand, and he slowly guides him into the turn. But he doesn't stay on the edge; instead, he turns so that they're skating down the middle of the lake, and Teddy glances at Billy's face again.]

All right, now... Hold your arms out to the side, and just...

[With those instructions, Teddy starts to pick up speed until the wind is flying through their hair, and he soon lets go of Billy's hand, though he still keeps his own against Billy's back to let him know that he's still got him and to keep up the speed. But like this... Like this, with the wind blowing and his arms out to the sides, maybe, just maybe... It'd be like the flying Billy missed so much. He knows, out of everything Billy had to give up, flying is one of the ones he misses the most. So...]

[There's that same initial panic, of course, when Teddy lets him go, visions of himself careening into the nearest snowbank and falling on his own face and probably breaking something because he's unlucky like that. Of course he doesn't - he can feel Teddy's hand on his back, and he's still skating right next to him, and the lack of hands hasn't made him stop trusting his boyfriend. But it still takes a tremendous amount of willpower to not only keep his eyes closed, but finally stretch his arms out as instructed. He doesn't see what the point of all of this is, it's not like he'll-

....

....

Oh.

He can feel it, now. He can understand what Teddy's trying to do. The air on his face is cold and rushed, but it's familiar, crisp and fresh and breathtaking, like they're high up in the air above all the smoke and fog of the city - or the village, in this place. His feet glide freely across the surface of the ice that almost, almost makes them as weightless as when he's floating above the ground. His scarf and hood flaps behind him, like the cape he hardly ever lets himself wear anymore.

He draw in a shaky breath, exhaling the same way, and a strong, much more sincere smile crosses his lips. It's not the same. Nothing could ever be the same.

But it's so close he wants to cry. It's beautiful. It's so, so beautiful.]

Tee...

[At first, Teddy wasn't sure if it'd work. Maybe it was too cold, maybe the fact that his feet are still on the ground is ruining it, maybe this is all for nothing -

But then the smile on Billy's face tells him differently. It's not the same as flying; nothing would be the same as that until Billy decides to lift his feet off the ground and fly. But with his arms spread wide, scarf billowing behind him, and his smile wide and free...

It's close enough, and that's what Teddy was hoping to give him for at least an instant. And he looks so beautiful like that.

With them speeding along, however, the other side of the lake is approaching much faster. So, not wanting to just jolt him out of it, Teddy takes his hand again, then slows their speed enough to take a wide turn without sending them both careening to the side. Once they're skating straight again, Teddy keeps his hands where they are, around his hand and on his back, and looks at his face once more.]

Was that good?

Mm.

[Billy doesn't entirely trust his own voice just yet, so he lets his expression answer for him. Yes. Yes, it was good. So good it surprises him, actually. For the first time since that initial, awkward shuffle onto the ice, Billy finally moves his own feet to help them glide over the surface of it together, echoing Teddy's strides one by one. It's far from perfect, but it's the most effort he's put into it thus far, and he manages to not trip or drag Teddy down with him. An impressive feat considering his fears all along.]

Still is. I can't believe I'm actually doing this...

First time for everything. Or a fourth time, in this case.

[And though Billy's skating on his own, something that makes Teddy give a big dimpled grin, he still holds onto his hand as they return to a slower, more leisure speed. He doesn't particularly want their mini vacation to be ruined by Billy walking home with a bruised butt.]

I guess you just needed the right person to skate with.

[Billy would prefer that himself, so he doesn't mind - rather, enjoys - the continued contact. He finally opens his eyes again, looking around at the scenery as well as himself and Teddy, visibly amazed that he's on his feet and doing this at Teddy's side, still.]

I guess that's what it was. But do me a favour and never tell my dad about this.

My lips are sealed.

[Teddy watches Billy for a moment longer, then turns his gaze ahead, looking at the scenery as well as where he's skating. It'd look pretty bad if he sent the both of them flying over the edge and all.]

And thanks. For trusting me with all this.

[Even closing his eyes and letting Teddy speed along. He's honestly a little surprised that Billy went through with that.]

[Billy glances sidelong at Teddy for a long moment, considering that, then looks ahead once more, his cheeks flushed from more than just the cold.]

I'd... trust you with anything, Teddy.

[He could add more to that - a joke, a tease, a comment about how if following him blindly onto a questionably-frozen lake doesn't prove that, nothing will - but it wouldn't feel right. He's serious and sincere, and it's important that it shows. Jokes would ruin that.]

[Teddy's cheeks are flushed too, quietly musing on that. He'd trust him with anything...

They'd been working on that, since the possession left Billy. Teddy trusting him. Much of it had been broken the moment the fake got its hands around Teddy's neck, and they weren't mending much until the possession was gone for good. And it took a long time, months even, to come to this, not only with Teddy trusting Billy with his life, but all the reassurances that came with it, that he'd trusted before it was all broken apart.

He loves me no matter how I look. I can be honest with my appearance or change something I want to change, and he'd love me.

He would never replace me if I went missing, or died. He would search for me, even go to the ends of heaven and hell or the universe to find me. And he wouldn't stop unless I asked him to.

I mean so much to him, and he trusts me with everything.

And, even though it happened, and it'll be a scar for the both of us...

He wouldn't hurt me. Ever. Never again.

Teddy looks down at Billy after that moment to think, and he gently squeezes his hand.]

I do, too. I trust you with anything.

[...He shouldn't do it. They're in the middle of the lake, but moving fast enough that the edge isn't that far, and he could make Teddy lose control or get their legs tangled and then they'll both fall and... he shouldn't.

He does it anyway: once those words sink in, he gives Teddy's hand a tug, pulling him closer, pulling him down just enough, and leans in to press cold lips against his boyfriend's. He's so warm in comparison. Loving, and trusting, and forgiving, and... god, he doesn't deserve this.

But he's so, so glad that he's got it.]

[A kiss was the best answer Billy could give. Teddy isn't sure what he'd do it Billy thought his trust wasn't worth it, and thus throw it back in his face. This, however... is acceptance, and love in return.

He lifts his free hand to press against Billy's cheek, his own skates coming together in a T shape to make himself slow to a stop, pulling Billy with him. Crashing while kissing isn't on his list of things to do tonight, and this is an important one at that. They've gone through so much, and they're still together. Possibly even stronger than before. What could tear them apart now?

When Teddy pulls back, he keeps his hands where they are and just gazes down at the love of his life, his beautiful eyes and his flushed nose and cheeks and cold lips and windblown hair...]

I love you.

[Always. Forever.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

And... I'm not afraid of it anymore.

The revelation makes Teddy take in a deeper breath. In all the times he's thought about taking the next step, asking Billy to officially be with him for as long as they live, he'd shy away from it and come up with reasons why he shouldn't. There's no forever in this place, and they'd forget about it when they went back. One of them could go home and leave the other alone and brokenhearted. They're too young. They're not ready. They're not mature enough. Marriages don't ever seem to last here.

And maybe they're still not ready to tie the knot just yet. But Teddy's realized that all those reasons - they're just excuses. They're here. They're alive, and they're still together, will always be together, even if one of them were to go home. They're here and Teddy doesn't know when they'll be going home.

But as long as they're here, however long this "forever" will be, Teddy wants to be a part of Billy's life, and he wants to share his own with Billy. It's what he wants so desperately that it makes his chest ache, and the only thing stopping him from kneeling down and asking right now is the fact that there are two small, lingering doubts.

Am I still going to want this later, after a fight or whatever else?

And what if Billy doesn't want it?

And one little fact that he doesn't even have a ring. He should at least get on that.]

... I love you so much.

I love you, too.

[There's no hesitation in Billy's response, only a contented smile and a slight shiver. Now that they've stopped moving for a moment he cuddles in closer, pressing his body against Teddy's and wrapping his arms around him. It's not that cold, but it's still so much warmer to be up close and cozy with the one he loves. He could stay like this forever.]

And thank you... for this. For everything. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than... be here, with you.

[It's more than just the skating. The skating's fine; it's still not his sport of preference and it's still too cold to be something he'd suggest himself but with Teddy, it's fun. With Teddy, he can smile and laugh and give it his all without fear of failing and being put down for it. With Teddy he knows that he's safe and respected and loved.

It's the skating, and it's the time and effort he's put into dragging Billy back out of his depression and finding ways to make him feel alive again. It's the way he never gave up, not once, even when he was struggling with his own identity and suffering in silence. It's the way he's always put Billy first, even with how selfish and self-loathing Billy himself could be. It's the way he can say that Billy is all his has with a straight face, truly believing it, pouring his all into keeping the person he treasures safe, healthy, and happy, and...

It's not just the skating. It's so, so much more than the skating. It's everything he wishes he could be in return, everything he's trying to be the further away he gets from the memories of what he'd done during his possession, with their anniversary sitting neatly between like a wall against the bad. Billy holds on tightly, burying his face in the crook of Teddy's shoulder, and breathes in deep the scent of him- the fresh air out here is great, but nothing makes him feel more alive than Teddy's smell. Just knowing he's close and holding him is enough.

I want this. I want this as long as the universe lets me have it. As long as you want it. I want to be right here with you...]

[Teddy certainly isn't going to resist cuddling, even if it's on ice. He slips his arms around his boyfriend's waist (and god, now he so wishes he could call him more than that) and holds him close, keeping them in place by digging one of his skates in by the toe. He shuts his eyes, taking in Billy's own scent, noticing the lack of magic thanks to not using it anymore, and finds that he doesn't mind it. There's still the sandalwood, the smell of coffee, the little things that make Billy who he is, the young man that Teddy loves so much.

He wishes he could keep holding him like this forever. And he hopes, wishes, yearns so desperately for Billy to want the same in return, to say yes when, not if, Teddy pops the question. It's so easy to imagine Billy saying either one or the other, and that's one of the things that scares Teddy into not wanting to do it just yet - and certainly not next month, with Billy's birthday and, god forbid, Valentine's Day.

But soon. He wants to do it soon, rid himself of whatever doubts he might have and kneel down and...]

That's... what I want, too. To be here with you, more than anything. Or anywhere you are. I want to follow you wherever you go... On ice or in another world or wherever.

[As long as I'm with you...]

[Billy sets free a quiet, half-breathless laugh at that, lingering for a moment before lifting his head up to smile at Teddy. He's not sure what his boyfriend's thinking about - he looks pretty damn affectionate and thoughtful right now - but if it's anything like his own thoughts, it's something serious and exceptional loving. God, wouldn't that be nice?

And seriously, seriously, what did he ever do to deserve this?]

I sure hope we don't have to go to more worlds than this one to stay together. But I'd follow you too, if we did. I really don't think anything could keep us apart for long.

They can try.

[Teddy remains smiling back at him for a moment before he blinks, smile fading a bit, then rolls his eyes as he realizes what he said.]

Wait. No, I take that back. I don't want to jinx anything. [Then the smile's back as he bumps his nose against Billy's.] But you know what I mean.

[They'd practically already been through several versions of hell together. If they can survive all of that and still be as strong as ever, they can survive anything.]

I definitely do.

[And since they're no longer moving so quickly, and since Teddy's close enough, Billy goes ahead and tilts his head just enough to turn the bump into a kiss. It's cold, but he can think of no better way to warm up.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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