selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

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[voice]

[IC] Appointments Post

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[He looks up... to about her shoulders. Progress, however slight, even if it doesn't last.]

...There's no one else I trust more. If not him, then... who?

It's important to have someone you can trust that way. It's good.

[He seems so uncertain about whether anything he thinks can be real.]

[Billy falls silent for a long moment at that, mulling it over, rolling it around in his head a few times to give himself a chance to find his response.]

...I don't think... Teddy trusts me anymore.

Hm? [Not wanting him to think she's staring, Mia picks up her plate and takes it over to the little sink in the corner. She doesn't say anything until she sits down again.]

Why do you think so?

I haven't given him a good reason to, have I?

[Mia reaches, slowly, across the table, intending to cover Billy's nearest unoccupied hand with hers. If he draws away, she'll pull back, too.]

You and he love each other. That's a good reason.

[Does he, though? Does he still? It seems like it, sure, but Billy can't think of a reason why he should.]

You... can love someone, and not trust them. Especially if they've hurt you... ignored you, or... replaced you...

[He knows that... that's a big part of what's worrying Teddy now. He wishes they could talk about it. Wishes he had the sense to really explain things properly. But his head is such a mess that he's sure that he'd just make things worse.]

That's true. I think, in time, you'll know it isn't true for you or Teddy, though.

[Billy has hit on the issue. He knows. For the hundredth time she wonders if there isn't some way to get them thinking at each other, instead of keeping it all inside until the wave finally broke (Teddy) or the ice grew thick enough (Billy).]

Do you think he's replaceable?

[Though it's a very heavy question, she keeps her tone light and soft, conversational.]

No!

[It's sudden, abrupt, and the loudest he's been yet- but it's also brief, as he shrinks back down almost immediately, his voice hushed and tinged with panic.]

No, no, no, no, no, not ever, he's not... not ever...

I know. [A reaction to his outburst, it's a little louder and harsher than she intends at first, too. She even half-stands, forgetting that there is a table between them.]

I know you wouldn't. People aren't replaceable, Teddy isn't.

[He grimaces, merely nodding in response. It's okay. It's okay. She understands.]

I'm sorry I upset you.

[She didn't mean to and it isn't good for him.]

It's... not your fault. Not much doesn't upset me these days.

[He quirks a tiny, bittersweet smile.]

I'm kind of a pathetic mess right now, if you haven't noticed.

If you were perfectly collected and calm, I would be far more worried about you.

[She gets up, then, moving to his side of the table and sitting down beside him, on his good side. She's slow about it, and reaches gently for his hand in the hope that he will let her take it.]

You've really been through a lot, Billy. It's okay to give yourself time.

[Time... he feels like all he has is time, these days. Time to sit, and think, and brood, and fret, and waste away. Time to lose himself in whatever mess his mind's become, time to hurt Teddy again and again without even meaning to.

Time to... be anyone but himself, really.]

...How long... is too long, do you think?

[How long until he decides that I'm not coming back?]

I don't believe there is a 'too long'.

[Sometimes, people gave up - on others, on themselves, on any chance they might have had to leave a bad situation behind. Mia might lose her path sometimes, but she doesn't believe in that kind of hopelessness catching any real hold.]

If it doesn't go away on its own, or you stop getting better, then we would consider what options there were to help you start again. As many times as it took. But I don't think it will come to that.

...What makes you say that?

[He wishes he could have the kind of unshakeable faith they apparently have in him. It takes everything he has in him to not give up every day.]

You're strong, and a little better every time I see you, and it is unlikely for the Malnosso to do something like this permanently, and you have friends to help you when it's hard to see the way on your own. Among other things.

Those are some serious assumptions about... me and them.

[Billy Kaplan and the Malnosso, two of the least trustworthy names in the world this month.]

Maybe, about them.

[They are things she knows about Billy, whether he is able to see them right now or not.]

It might be hard at first, but try to think of things more positive than 'too long', when you feel up to thinking.

[That part really hits home- how much thinking makes him uncomfortable and upset now. It’s kind of pathetic, really.

...Even so.]

I… can try, I guess. Thanks...

Waiting is hard.

[From all sides - patient and healer and family and friends. It is hard in different ways for different people and that's the plainest answer for it she can give him.]

You don't have to wait alone. But you can, if that is what you need.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off like that.

[Or... not him.

Everyone else.

He's not very good at this.]

I would miss you quite a lot, if that were so.

[She can't speak for anyone else but she has a feeling they would, too.]

Wouldn't it be easier, though?

[Surely... for everyone, it would be a lot less grief to deal with...]

[IC] Appointments Post

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