selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Billy doesn't respond to that, just waits, but he does half-look up, watching Loki move. If he's not there for that, then why...?

He won't protest, though. Not this. If Loki needs to rant, to blame him, to make him feel bad, it's his right. He's earned it.

He seriously doubts anyone can make him feel worse than he already does, anyway.]

[He continues to pace.]

No excuses? No pleading? Disappointing.

...I... I'm sorry. Did you want me to? I can try...

[He's hesitant now, fingers twisting more urgently now, eyes darting between Loki, the wall, the floor, then back again, over and over.]

I just don't know what you want. I knew before- I was so sure, but I couldn't hold it, I...

[Loki's voice becomes a low croon.] Did you now? A lie, is that what I want?

[Another person outside of him, making his life into something false...]

...It wasn't... supposed to be a lie. It's reality. I changed reality.

[This isn't working. It isn't working anymore. It used to work, it used to be so easy, but he can't find it anymore. He can't grasp the reality that used to be so simple, so clear. It's slipping and he's so angry...]

I just wanted everyone to be happy.

You made a child up of whole cloth and made me love her. [Oh, but he is angry now, so very angry.] And then I saw her fall to pieces with my own eyes.

You think that happiness, Billy? You, who would have me stop lying?

I didn't make the lie.

[Billy meets his gaze this time, tentative, but certain of his words. The only thing he's sure of right now, really: the way the spell worked.]

It was my magic. I made it happen. It's my fault, I know that. But you chose the form it took. All of you did. That was the point- to create a reality that you wanted...

[His voice gets very, very soft.] Oh, I see. We did it to ourselves, did we?

[The fingers of one hand are starting to tremble.]

No.

[Billy looks down then, the quiet tone unnerving him even more than the anger. He shivers, his breath catching, his heartbeat picking up.]

I did it. I did it...

[But he didn't choose it, he...]

Ah, so you only took from us our foolish dreams and made them a mockery.

Would... you have cared, if the spell hadn't been broken?

[He smiles.]

Did I care, that I was a monster among gods?

Yeah.

[She doesn't look at him. She doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to see his shock or pity or disbelief. Instead, Kate stares down at the laces of her sneakers. Her knees are curled up to her chest, the arm not wrapped around Billy's shoulder hugging them closer to her. It's easier than meeting his eyes and knowing she's destroyed every illusion he might have had about her.

Just something Hawkeyes happen to excel at. Crushing those positive illusions that anyone might have had about them, one at a time. God knows Barton's pulled similar shit with her enough times.]

So, there you go. All those times I took charge instead of Eli and nearly got us all killed? It wasn't some idealistic notion that I could be as much of a superhero as the rest of you.

God, Billy. I have no powers and no real connection to the Avengers. At least, not then. I just didn't want to be the victim anymore. I didn't want anyone else to have to go through what I did. There are a million options I could have picked and I picked the one that put the people I love most in the world in harm's way.

[Except it didn't end there. She got two of them killed. But, thankfully, she somehow has enough peace of mind to keep that from Billy. He's going through enough without needing the weight of her responsibilities, too.]

[Billy looks down again, quietly shaking his head. He doesn't have an answer for that; all of it's just an excuse. It doesn't really matter, does it? Truth, lies, it's all twisted in his own head now, shifting unguided from one side to the other. He doesn't know what's right anymore, what's true, what's fair. And in the end, much as he wanted to, he couldn't hold it. He had the power but not the constitution, the strength, to bear the weight of it. Reality had been changed but it fought, tooth and nail, to re-calibrate. Just like before. Just like with his mother, back home.

His mother...]

...Mom- [No. No. Wanda. Wanda.] Wanda told me... you tried to remake her. To bring her back.

I made a lady a promise.

And thus you made me a liar as well. [Even if Rogue has forgiven him that, and didn't count it as a lie, he knows.]

[....

....

....

He'd promised too, but...]

...I can try again. If you want. I can try.

[Loki smiles, voice dropping low and cold.]

I will cut out your tongue.

[Billy looks away again, falling silent. Really, what do you even say to that?

Go ahead.

Everyone will be a lot safer if you do.

Not that.

You'll make Teddy cry again.]

Yes he would. He's just worried.

[About a lot of things, all centered on Billy and what Billy really thinks of him.

Mia leads him down the hall to their little break room; the only constant in there is something caffeinated ready on the counter. There is a little table against one wall, though, and if Billy seems shakier or off-balance she'll help him to the nearest chair.]

[Loki pauses, taking a deep breath, then resumes pacing. There is part of him that leaps at the very idea. He loathes himself for it. Not after all he and Rogue have gone through. Not again.]

You've certainly done me a favor in reminding me to never trust happiness.

...I'm sorry...

[Billy shrinks down around himself at that, hugging his knees to his chest. Apparently he can feel worse, after all.]

I never wanted that. It's no favour, it's... it's wrong... everything's gone all wrong...

... That's all I ask.

[Teddy stays where he is, burrowed against Billy's shoulder with their pets at their sides, keeping at least this promise to heart. He knows this power is something he can't just reach in and yank out, that Billy can't just wish it away. But they have to fight this in their own way... try as hard as they can.

It's really all he can ask for. All he wants.]

[For days, he tried. He really did. He drifted a lot, that was undeniable, spent a lot of time in his own window rather than the clinic's, staring at nothing. He and his new hoodie were more or less inseparable outside of bathing or sleeping (and hopefully a bit of laundry), but he at least had the sense to wear something underneath so it didn't end up completely rank. It was a security blanket, a center of stability almost as much as Teddy was. It kept him cemented when Teddy was out of the apartment or busy or just- couldn't stand to be around him.

That happened sometimes too, he knows. And he couldn't blame him; he knows he's horrible company, he understands that well, even if he lacks the capacity to fix it. He's trying. But trying often isn't enough, and it feels like he's fighting a losing battle, sometimes.

There has to be a way to make it up to him. Something you can do.

If you can't fix yourself, can't you fix the world for him...?

But sometimes, he was okay. Sometimes he smiled and touched and breathed normalcy, dug out his own equilibrium and found Teddy there waiting for him, just like always. Those were the good times, those were the days where Teddy smiled back and held his hand and he felt a little more alive than before.

And then he'd say something wrong, or think about the week before and withdraw into himself against his will. His confidence would falter, the life in his eyes would dim, and he'd go back to the window like it's where he belonged.

It is. You belong there. But he doesn't deserve that.

He deserves everything.

And that's why, one day while Teddy's out of the apartment, he breaks his promise. But for good reason, he tells himself, pleased for thinking of it, his eyes glowing with the light of a spell for the first time since Teddy had stopped him that first day. He'll be happy.

When Teddy comes home, he'll find a surprise waiting for him: a family dinner, the Kaplan clan crowded around their little table in the kitchenette area, food being dished out- a huge, elaborate stir fry dish, Teddy's favourite. They're laughing, smiling, happy to be here.

And at the head of the table, the guest of honour, is Ms. Altman herself.]

[There have been good days and bad days. Teddy learned to treasure the good days and keep to himself on the bad ones. Except he keeps second guessing himself, keeps wondering what Billy wants to change about him, what everyone would like to see. He'd look at himself in the mirror when Billy hadn't been paying attention, and when once he was proud of who he was and didn't mind who stared back at him, gradually, he found things that he started to hate.

His eyes. They were so dull. His hair. Doesn't everyone have that style? His nose. He never liked it, it was too big. His face. Too many angles. His ears. Why did he ever get those earrings...? And that was just his head.

He could shift all of these things, and maybe Billy would look at him and see what he wanted. Maybe it would be enough to break out of it, climb out of the windowsill and smile, grateful that Teddy did what he wanted him to do. At least Teddy would know. At least he'd know what Billy wanted.

They were running low on cat food, though Teddy can't deny that he spent much longer than it should have to actually get it. It was easier on himself, spending some time away from his boyfriend and not have to be subject to the silent treatment, to be looked at and yet not looked at at all. It didn't stop that feeling of everyone finding something wrong with him, but it was easier. Kept him sane, a little.

Finally, he unlocks the door and opens it wide, smile on his face, hair shorter and styled differently, eyes brown yet darker than Billy's, nose a little more slender, and just two earrings in his ears. Maybe this look will do it. Maybe.]

Hey, I'm -

[Then, the cat food drops along with the shift.

He sees Billy's family in the corners of his vision, but they might as well have not been there at all when he sees who's at the head of the table. It's - It's her, happy, smiling, laughing with Mrs. Kaplan, and when Teddy cuts himself off, that's -

That's when she looks up at him. And she smiles, and she looks as radiant as ever. There is no fire. There's no smoke, no stench of burning flesh, no tortured screams that still haunt him at night. Her eyes, blue like his, like his are now, are squinted slightly as she smiles so brightly, and she stands from her place to walk around the table towards him, arm held out for him.

Mom.]

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, October 17] it never does

[Action, October 17] you're less fun to kick if you don't struggle, Billy

[Action, October 17] he's not here to have fun

[Action, October 17] oh gawd

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[october 15th]

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[17th]

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[Action, October 21st]

[Action, October 25th] ~skipper do~

[Action, October 25th] HAHAHAsob 1/2

[Action, October 25th] 2/2