selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[He winces at that, looking down for a moment before he meets her gaze again, looking very serious.]

Do you want me to try again? I could try again. I didn't- I didn't want to stop, I was just... I was so tired, that's all...

[He'd promised Teddy he wouldn't, but- she looked so sad, and it was his fault. All because he'd fallen asleep. How could he not try?]

Then I certainly won't ask you to ignore his advice.

[One of the birds returns to the windowsill, hopping and flitting its way along the glass. Mia turns enough to watch it, careful not to make a sudden movement and scare it away.]

I'm a little worried about trying to heal you, because of that. Do you think it would cause a problem?

[There is a long pause while Wanda considers this. Her heart positively YEARNS for it. To go back to that perfect world where everythign was ok, and everyone was happy? Where she had family, and friends? Yes. Please, yes.

But.

She can't help but remember Rogue's reaction, yesterday. And how hard it had been to even make a fraction of that world real. And what the failure had resulted in.]

... Loki and I... We tried to put it back.

...

It didn't go very well.

[She gets it, too. Seeing Cassie again had brought up all kinds of previously repressed issues. Facing her again had been as hard as agreeing to work with Clint. It meant facing up to her failures. She's never been very good at that.]

You're stronger than that, Billy. Running away... [She trails off, looking away for a second.] That's not you. That's not any of us. Disappearing won't make it any better. Been there, tried that.

We're the Young Avengers for a reason.

Yeah. So we can make the same stupid mistakes as our predecessors.

[He's living proof now, isn't he? Following the footsteps of his soul-mom, doing the same thing that she did. All that's missing is that he didn't have years worth of emotional ruin courtesy of Magneto, which meant no mutant decimation after the fact.

But he'd tried to kill Teddy, and... that's where it started, isn't it? Wanda killing her teammates? Her husband?]

[That surprises him a little, his brows furrowing. They'd tried to do it? With their power? That's... reckless. No one has this kind of power on their own. He knows that it isn't all his, after all. Whatever he's borrowing it from is something different, something older and much stronger than his own abilities. It's the only reason he'd succeeded.]

What happened?

[Billy follows her gaze, distracted from her question for a moment as he watches the bird poke at the ledge, searching for seeds. He'd left a couple crumbs there from his breakfast in the morning, when it had been warmer, so there were a few to keep it there for the moment, at least.

It takes him a while to regain his clarity enough to answer.]

...My magic... doesn't play well with others, I think. But it's okay. I don't need to be healed.

[He deserves this. The pain keeps him grounded. Reminds him of... what happened. How wrong it all went.

His body's never let him heal himself- why would anyone else fare any better?]

No.

[She had been working with Clint on an almost regular basis before she came here. And some days, she just wanted to strangle him for his asshole behavior and self-deprecation. As much as she admired him, he also provided a good reminder for everything she didn't want to be.]

God, Billy, that's not it at all. It's so we learn from the mistakes they made. Look, I know M-Day sucked but, let's face it. Shit happens. Wanda should have taken the responsibility then that she-

[Shit! Shut up, Bishop. She takes a deep breath, running a hand through her bangs.]

Look, what I'm saying is that where you and Wanda differ is your ability to accept what happened. You'll deal with this. Which is what she should have done. That's what we're here for. Teddy and me and Tommy and Cassie. To get you through this so you don't have to go it alone. And so you don't wind up following through on those stupid mistakes just like they did.

[Mia looks at him, watching the bird. I don't need to be healed. Her hands fall into her lap, half-folded.

She's healed him before and she could do it again, but that's not the important part of what he said.]

If you do find you need to be, I'm willing to try.

[Forcing him to it wouldn't help anybody.]

May I ask you something else?

[She can't even try to lie to Billy. Besides the fact that he may be the only one who can understand what she's going through. Maybe.]

... I couldn't hold on to the magic. ... I slipped, and-- Anja died. [That's the first time she's said the name since it happened. It tastes like ashes and copper in her mouth. ]

...That's impossible.

[His voice is firm, his lips pursed into a tight frown.]

She doesn't exist. She never did. You can't kill what isn't real.

[That makes him glance over at her again, brows lifting a little. She's taking all of this in stride, and it's very calming.]

What is it?

[Maybe she shouldn't. But she hopes that if she treads carefully enough, she might learn more about the whole thing.]

Has the magic you use ever created whole people before?

[Billy flinches at that, looking down, shamefaced. He did do that, didn't he. He created so many people... some out of nothing, others from the dead, still others from fiction...]

I don't... think it has. I could make little things- clothes, walls, forcefields, or...

[He frowns, and shakes his head.]

Magic can't make people. Not out of nothing. They don't exist without souls. And magic can't create souls.

[He's living proof of that, isn't he?]

Oh, yes, that's true. [If he isn't looking, he'll miss the few seconds of bright, genuine smile. Magic can't make people, indeed.] At least, that's what I believe is true.

[It's his turn, now. She wants to reach for him, for his hand or his arm or something comforting, but she doesn't. Instead, she looks back at Billy's windowsill visitor, content with friendly silence.]

[Wanda looks up at him, confused and a little angry, despite herself. That's almost exactly what Rogue had said. Why? Of course she exists! Or at least she had.]

She did exist! She was alive and as real as anything. [Wanda is slightly confused why she is arguing the point. If Anja wasn't real, then that means Wanda isn't a murderer. But it feels-- wrong, somehow to just brush aside someone's death as being 'not real'. ]

I brought her back, after everything went away. I just-- I couldn't keep her here. [She looks away again.] I tried. ... I tried...

[How can he stop? Billy is right there holding him the best that he can and Teddy still feels more alone than he did when he was stuck in the dark, barely able to move. It's worse, he thinks. Touching and yet not touching. He wants to just scream and hit something, break something apart, let out everything he's been feeling, distress and terror and rage.

He's in that dark room again, and it's even worse, and he can't do anything except cry against Billy's shoulder, he can't, he can't, he's losing him, he -

Stop.

You're embarrassing him. He's pitying you.

Stop.

No, Billy's better than that... Stop saying that about him.

Still, it's enough to make Teddy try to stop himself. It's easy. A little shift in the eyes, and the tears are forcibly stopped. The nose, and it stops running, even if it's still clogged. The lips, and they rise until they're back to normal, and his throat, willing it to loosen, expand, allow breathing without creating a hiccuping noise, without making it so hard to do so.

He's okay.

He's not okay.

He has to be okay.]

[Billy feels a wave of guilty desperation, aching with how severe Teddy's reaction is to such an idle comment. He's stupid- he's so stupid- how could he ever-]

I'm sorry... Teddy... Teddy, please... I'm so sorry, please...

[He's trembling against the blond now, struggling to hold him, not sure what else to do but apologize endlessly. He wants to take it all back, pluck the words out of the air and out of Teddy's memory and put them all back in his head, unspoken, where they belong. But he can't. Even with a spell, he can't. He'd promised.

No more magic.

He sniffs, burying his face against Teddy's hair, murmuring his apologies over and over again. Please, please, please, Teddy...]

[Hold the shift, hold the shift and you'll be fine, just hold it -

He tilts his head, just enough to get his mouth free, as there's something just slightly comforting about Billy holding him like that even if there's just a piece of him that's there. Teddy feels guilt of his own, for reacting like that, for making Billy near tears himself when he's cried so much already...

Just hold the shift and you'll be fine.]

Billy? [His voice is still choked and watery, shaky.

A shift and it's fine.]

Just... please, don't do that to yourself. You have people who want to help you... You have me.

[He lifts a hand, slowly, to rest it against Billy's heart, feeling the rhythm there and his own heart automatically pacing itself to match it.]

I'll bully this thing out of you if I have to. Don't think you're alone... please, don't... [Don't do it, please stay, please believe me, I love you, I don't know what I'd do without you - ]

[Teddy's so much stronger than him. It's something he'd known for a long time now, but to see it firsthand again- to watch him change and bring out that strength, it's-

He exhales shakily, shifting his free hand away from Teddy's back and resting it over Teddy's heart, feeling it beat in time with his own, taking comfort in the gentle thump-thump thump-thump of his blood being pumped through his body instead of outside of it, the sound of his life's drum. He feels that they're alive - that they both are - and... that Teddy wants this.

You have me.

Tears spill down his cheeks again, and he doesn't resist them or brush them away, just lets them fall as he trembles helplessly against Teddy. He leans in, seeking him out but afraid of what he'll find, afraid that Teddy will reject his touch after what he'd said. And what right does he have to follow or to draw comfort like that? He's the one who's hurting people, not...

God. God. How did they get so screwed up...?]

I'm here... I-I'm right here... I'll stay. Wh-what do you want me to say? To do? Anything... I'll... anything, Teddy, just believe me...

[She wanted to see how he was doing. That was the only reason she was coming to see him. She actually tried a few times before over the past few days, but chickened out. It wasn't for any reason related to Billy: she was still hesitant to transform into Hoshikyo again. But Billy only really knew her as Hoshikyo, so even though her normal self was the one affected by his magic (they are the same person, after all) he wouldn't recognize her if she came in to see him. She'd have to tell him who she is.]

[Plenty of her friends already knew by now. Billy was even a fellow superhero! So why hesitate?]

[It isn't until around the end of the week that she finally just goes for it, making her way into his room. She can't help but feel awkward. She's not exactly a stranger to Billy in this form because of what went on during the invasion, but she never thought to reach out to him as herself after that -- or anyone from that time, for that matter.]

...uhm. Hi.

[...off to a great start.]

It's true.

[Billy glances at her sidelong, briefly, enough to catch the tail end of the smile, the last second before it's gone. His eyes drop to his hands, not sure how to feel about that. Why is she smiling? Why is she happy here? When he... after everything he'd...

He doesn't get it. Not at all.]

People have tried before. The result is... it goes bad.

[Like me.

I went bad.]

[Billy shakes his head again, painfully calm, unfazed by her passion.]

You can't create real people out of magic. Not even... whatever's in me right now could do that. You can make constructs, illusions, but it's all fake. The only thing you killed was the lie I created. And... that's on me, not you.

[He spent a week living in that lie, knowing how it was all falsified, never meant to last. It's why he didn't sleep. It's why he was so drained when it was finally over.

You can change reality for a while, but you can't pull life out of nothing. And magic always has a price.]

[And yet, Mia has met people created in artificial ways, part magic and part science. All of them, she thinks, have souls. Some are grumpier about it than others.

Thankfully that isn't what Billy means.

She sees him looking at his hands and concern narrows her gaze.]

Because it takes too much effort to control and maintain them, with magic like yours?

[He really, really wishes he could believe all that as easily as she does. But Teddy's upset and Tommy hasn't even seen him and he has no idea where Cassie is and Kate-

...Kate...]

...Why don't you hate me? For what I did to you...

[She was affected, too. He remembers that- he helped to invent the fantasy she developed for herself. He dragged her with him down that path. So why...?]

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, October 16th]

[17th]

[Action, October 16th]

[october 15th]

[october 15th]

[Action, October 16th]

[17th]

[october 15th]

[17th]

[Action, October 16th]

[Action, October 16th]

[17th]

[17th]

[17th]

[17th]

[Action, October 16th]

[Action, October 15th]

[Action, October 15th]

[Action, October 15th]

[Action, October 15th]

[Action] October 20th

[17th]

[Action, October 16th]

[17th]

[october 15th]