selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Ouch.

The stab at her heart is as painful as the one she felt when she saw Cassie again for the first time in years. It's a mix of guilt and sadness, worry and helplessness that she absolutely hates. What good is being a superhero when you can't save the people that mean the most to you?

God, sometimes life really does suck.]

Yeah. I am. [She takes a deep breath, pushing her sunglasses on to the top of her head before walking towards the bed.] Want company?

Mm... sorry. I haven't really- I mean, I usually need Teddy to tell me-

[He cuts himself off, breaking eye contact and looking down at the hands resting in his lap. It's awkward, but it's been a while since reality was particularly clear to him. Finally, though, when she's close enough, he reaches a hand out to her, searching. His voice is very small when he speaks again.]

Sorry. I'm really sorry...

You will.

[Teddy sounds so certain, and he really does have no doubt that Billy will beat this. This is a huge obstacle, it is, but he's seen Billy's goodness, his vitality and spirit; he's seen him beat out another spirit that possessed him, he's seen him beat the trauma that came from the Cube, he's seen him do all kinds of amazing things.

This is one huge hurdle, one that will take quite a bit of time to get over. But Teddy has nothing but faith in Billy's ability to beat this, as well.

He doesn't wipe his tears away, doesn't encourage him to stop. He figures Billy needs this as much as he needs to be touched and grounded. As much as he doesn't like to see him cry... It's something of a blessing right now. He simply strokes the tiny little hairs at the back of Billy's neck and keeps his other hand where it is.]

It might take a while... But you will. And if you ever need me, I'm always going to be right here. You just need to tell me if you do.

... I'll wait as long as it takes, you know.

[He doesn't turn at first, or even respond to her voice; there are birds out the window, lingering sparrows and chickadees filling up in the mild fall weather before they fly off to wherever they go when it gets cold in Luceti. A noise startles them as he watches, and they fly back into a tree; his eyes follow them, feeling a twinge of- longing, or envy, or just simple joy, he can't tell. He hasn't flown in weeks. Might never fly again.

It hadn't felt right without Teddy.

Finally he glances over his shoulder at her, willing the memory of her identity to the surface of his mind.]

...I don't know. Is this... how the room's supposed to look?

[When you don't remember what your reality is supposed to be like, it's hard to tell when you've accidentally changed it.]

Oh god, Billy. [Kate takes his hand in hers and gives it a gentle squeeze. She doesn't let go of his hand as she takes a seat on the bed, figuring the previous gesture invitation enough. She can't even begin to imagine what he must be going through right now. Warping reality to that degree must have taken its toll physically. But mentally?

She gives his hand another squeeze.] There's absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Teddy's back. You're back. No one's died. I'd call that a win in our book.

[He releases a quiet, shaky laugh at that, hoping desperately - but not wanting, never wanting, not ever again - that it doesn't sound as unstable as he feels - and shakes his head. A win? A win?]

I made... a really big mess, Kate. I hurt so many people...

[That makes Billy fall silent for a long moment, the only sound he makes a quiet sniffle once in a while. It isn't right. It isn't right at all.]

You... you shouldn't.

[It's muffled, very quiet, as if he's afraid to say it too loud, as if he's not sure if he wants Teddy to hear it at all. He can't seem to stop himself, though.]

You should just... no, I should...

[Just fade away. Just go. After what he did, how could he ever hope to make Teddy happy? Why would he want to force Teddy to take care of him like this for god-knows how long?]

What you should do is not finish what you were going to say.

[His fingers curl slightly against his neck; Teddy does not like where this is going already.]

I love you, Billy... And if you need help with this, I will, I promise. But I'm gonna need a little faith in me on your end... all right?

[Was there ever any faith in him after he showed what kind of stupid, freak of a person Teddy really - no, focus.]

Yes, I think so. [For all the work she did here, the fine details of the rooms do not stay with her.] It's good to get to talk to you again. Does your shoulder hurt?

[He seems very distant, or perhaps lost, despite sitting right there in front of her. The window has his interest. Mia crosses the room to it, and him, leaning toward the glass.]

If you'd like, I can open this for you. [It takes two working hands.]

It's not you I'm worried about.

[Billy seems to sink down into himself a little, shamefaced, fearful again. Teddy hadn't lost faith. Teddy hadn't given up. Teddy hadn't... he hadn't...]

I... didn't wait for you. How can I expect you to wait for me? Without even the same guarantee that I'll...

[Teddy hadn't even died. But Billy'd thought he had. He knew he'd be back in a week, and that hadn't stopped him from creating that- thing- that copy-]

[That... hurts, the notion that Billy wouldn't wait again. If Teddy was gone, or died here, or something, would Billy... move on that quickly? That's - It's not how Billy would normally act, he knows - knows that Billy is devoted and loyal.

It's just Teddy himself who is so worthless that Billy probably wants to leave

god, stop

His neck tenses again for an entirely different reason, and the hand at the back of Billy's neck goes still, eyes drifting downward. It's not that Teddy would ever lose faith, never ever, but would Billy lose it in him so fast?

If Teddy went crazy like this, would Billy be gone before he even knew it?

... No, he wouldn't. He'd be at his side and wait for him just like Teddy. He knows it, he knows it, and he has no idea why Billy's trying to brush that notion off.]

... Because I know you. [Except for the part where he didn't know how much Billy disliked - stop] And I know that if you didn't have this thing in you, and it happened to me instead... You'd be where I am now. You'd wait for me. This... thing isn't going to warp the fact that I know you, B.

[He glances down at his shoulder, shakes his head, because he hadn't noticed, and the pain doesn't really matter, then shakes it again, looking back at the window.]

It's okay. It's getting cold, and they already flew away.

[One more barrier between him and the outside world- that's good, right? Teddy would get anxious if it was open. People could get in. Or, worse, he could get out.]

[He wants to believe that. God, does he ever. He just can't believe in himself the way Teddy does. He doesn't deserve that faith Teddy has in him; he honestly can't think of a single thing he's done to earn it right now. Is it because of the thing inside him, whatever Teddy was talking about- that strange weight on his mind that pushes and crushes his comprehension of what he should or shouldn't do, what's right to say or show or feel? Or is it because he just- hasn't? Hasn't earned it... even after everything.

Too late to earn it now.]

You're not supposed to love someone who does horrible things to you... you're supposed to cut them out of your life. Move on. Let them be horrible all by themselves and find people who treat you like you deserve.

[He's not one of those people- not anymore.]

They'll be back.

[Looking at him was hard. The distance on his face, the frozen fire burning in his eyes, and everything colored over in listlessness.]

I imagine Teddy has talked you to pieces in the past few days. [Like every recent thing concerning Billy, Teddy's news about his waking mixed thrill and anxiety in equal parts. Mia's fingertips land on the cold glass, leaving faint prints as she watches nothing happen outside.] On the chance you still do want to talk, though, I'll be here.

[A chance he most certainly does not need to take.]

[A long moment passes where it seems like Billy won't take up the offer; he watches the tree branches, as if willing the birds to return. They don't, and briefly he considers forcing them. He could, after all- any reality is fair game to him now.

He doesn't. In the end, he slumps back against the frame, his gaze drifting to his lap, looking lost.]

You weren't... part of the spell.

[In his silence, Mia sits down in a nearby chair. The sound of his voice surprises her enough to make her jump a little.]

No, I don't think so.

No, Billy...

[Teddy's voice softens, and he relaxes slightly. Despite all that he's confused and unsure about, despite how much a little voice in his head tells him he's not good enough, he's never good enough, he will never be good enough for Billy to want to be with, not now and certainly not forever like he hoped... Billy has still helped him more than he can say. Though he has to say it now.]

The only time you've ever done things like that was when you had something in your head. Outside of it? Billy... You've done so many good things for me. You gave me something to fight for. You treated me like no one else did. You treated me like a person, not some... accessory to make someone look good. You saw who I was underneath all the changing I've done and you... you thought I was - good, no matter what I thought. You're the reason why I asked to get field medicine training; if it weren't for you, I never would've done it. I'd be too... scared of myself.

You've done so many things for me... You've given me so much. You're my family. That person past whatever's got you is the one I fell in love with... and am still in love with today.

[He'd done all that?

It's hard to imagine it now- hard to visualize ever being able to help Teddy, with that or anything else. Not because of a lack of desire (there was nothing he wanted more, at this point) but because he just... couldn't. He wasn't capable. He'd inevitably fail and it would all end in tears. Maybe before, he was- maybe he could've been what Teddy needs now, but in this state...

He hates this. He hates that whatever's happened to him has reduced him to questioning himself, questioning reality, questioning... this. This, the arguably-best thing that's ever happened in his life. Teddy. And just because he loves him, Teddy expects to just... suffer quietly for it?

It's not fair. It's not fair. But he doesn't really have an argument against it, either- it's not like he wants to leave, or wants Teddy to leave him. But if this doesn't go away, if he can't win, if-

It's just the first day. But it hasn't, has it? It's been two weeks. Teddy said so. How long is long enough?

He tilts his head back, smacking it lightly against the headboard, frustrated. There's too many words in his head, too many thoughts and questions and protests, and he's unable to say any of them. Teddy won't want to hear it. Teddy won't believe him. Teddy won't leave him alone. He's crying again, and he can't figure out if it's out of joy or misery now.

I just don't want to be alone anymore...]

[Huh. She's the first he's met like that. It's... refreshing, in a way. And yet-]

Did you want to be?

[He's honestly not sure if he's asking past-tense or making an offer.]

By accident. [She stresses that last word. Maybe it's not the best argument in the world, but it's at least true. He didn't mean to hurt anyone. He had just reacted to a horrible experiment. And okay, maybe he hadn't gone about it in the best way possible. But that doesn't make him a bad guy. Not by a long shot.] We all make mistakes. Sometimes, we're the only ones that suffer. Other times, everyone else suffers with us.

Maybe, at one time, I might have.

[Some Luceti days are darker than others.] Not this time, though. Did you want to be?

[Teddy isn't sure if his words got through to Billy or not. Teddy doesn't know a lot of things about this situation right now; this is a foe that he's not sure how to beat. Something invisible, something stuck in a place he can't get to. And it's affecting the one thing that's most important in Teddy's life, badly.

Just because he doesn't know what it is doesn't mean he'll give up. He'll watch, he'll learn. He'll share this with him, no matter how much Billy doesn't want him to. He'll be here to take his hand and help him stand up again. No matter what it takes.

He slides his hands down to take Billy's in his own, trying to give him a presence. Something solid, something to keep him there, while his gaze drifts down to watch their hands. He may not be able to watch Billy cry without wanting to brush his tears away, but - but he's here. He'll always be here.

You're not alone, B.]

[He's not alone.

It's that recognition - finally, finally, because he's felt alone for so long now - that sinks in enough to let him relax, and he doesn't speak for a long while, just indulges in the comfort of Teddy's touch. He'd been so afraid of touching anything in that reality, like it would fizzle and disperse under his hands, and that version of Teddy had- no, the fake had-

....it just... hadn't felt right. A part of him worries that he's just indulging another fantasy, but Teddy doesn't feel like a magical construct. His head is a mess, but he... thinks he can recognize this much.

God, he hopes so.

Eventually he stirs, like wandering out of a dream, and half-looks up, fixing his gaze on Teddy's chest. He's afraid to look up, but he wants to see Teddy, watch his chest rise and fall, make sure he's there and okay and breathing. Strong. Capable.

He'd need that. Because-]

Teddy, if I... if something happens... you have to stop me. You have to promise. If I go bad...

["Go bad". Like he's food in the grocery store, past the expiration date. Used to be good but now there's so much rotten mess inside. It sounds ridiculous and yet undeniably accurate at the same time.

If I'm broken, just throw me away-]

No.

[The grip around Billy's hands tighten slightly, not enough to hurt, even though Teddy had to stop himself from squeezing that much. He can't believe what his boyfriend is suggesting - stop him, if he goes bad? Like he should be beaten down and thrown away just because of something he can't control?

Asking him to use his own hands to take away the one thing he has left in his life? The person he loves with every fiber of his being?

If he's broken, Teddy will just kneel down and put him back together.]

I can't promise you that, Billy. If something happens, I'll do whatever it takes to bring you back. You are not going bad, don't say that...

[Yes I am, he wants to argue. I'm already bad, look what I did to everyone, to you, look what I'm still doing now-

But it's Teddy. He shouldn't expect that of Teddy. Teddy always protected him. Teddy would fight to save his life if he had to. The wound on his leg had proved it last time.]

Maybe- then-

[If Teddy couldn't do it, there were always others. Loki had promised before. And- his gaze drifts to his shoulder, realization dawning. He'd been shot. Someone had actually shot him. It hadn't been fatal, but- he could've bled out, right? If he hadn't stopped? So it was possible.

Something clicks in his mind, and suddenly, unexpectedly, he laughs, though the sound is choked and without humour. It's so perfect. He'd never really understood it until now, how it could feel, how it could be such a perfect and easy solution.]

Just- put a bullet to me- bullet in the brainpan, squish-

[IC] Appointments Post

[october 15th]

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[Action, October 15th] THAT SONG YOU LINKED

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