selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

Give it time. I bet he's just as much of an ass.

I've been around him for a year and a half now. Trust me, he's not that bad.

[No way he'd have hung around as much if he was.]

Yeah, yeah. Are you going to eat anything?

I already had lunch. Speaking of which, there's room in the apartment for you, if you're interested. Well- technically it's next door, but the units are attached.

[He's hesitant but hopeful; it's where Tommy lived last time, and it's currently unoccupied. Maybe Tommy'll still be willing to stay close.]

[ A slight shift.

Billy's not depressed. So. There's that. That's a plus. That's not draining. And there's no Kaplan parents there to smother him with their love and attention, so that's another... ] I'll think about it.

[Well.

It's not a no.]

...Okay, then. Building's number 5, apartment 22. I'll leave the door open for you, just in case. Kate's just above our place, too.

Friends can be family.

[It's something he recognizes easily enough because of the Young Avengers - it's something he's never had before, never really needed, because he's always had the kind of family he wanted. The others in the team all came from varying states of broken families, so he's used to seeing it more than feeling it, but... he'd never hesitated to call Tommy his brother, or Eli and Nate brothers-in-arms. He's so close to Kate and Cassie is like a little sister. Even Jonas was a part of that, even though they hadn't been around each other for long. And Teddy... god, Teddy's so much more than family to him. They made themselves into a family, all of them.]

Family's... so much more than blood. Sometimes the family you're born into isn't the one you belong with, and sometimes it just isn't enough. And sometimes you lose them all and have to find a new one. But you can choose who your family is, and they can choose you. You just have to let yourself feel it. And you have to let yourself want it, too.

I haven't really had friends like that before.

[He hadn't needed them in Asgard, had he? He'd supposedly had a family there. And the Warriors Three, even Sif... they had always been Thor's friends first.

He feels oddly sick.]

It's strange, to hear something considered more important than blood. [Blood is even in the names in Asgard--whose son you are. Even brothers in battle have bled together.

But does he want another family to begin with? Is it really wise?]

[ He claps Billy on the shoulder. ] Well why didn't you just say that in the first place? [ But no, seriously. ] I'm going on a run.

I think it's becoming pretty commonplace, here.

[Billy shrugs slightly.]

I mean, how many people do you know actually do have family here? Literal, blood-born family? I don't. Hardly anyone I know does. But we make our own families by getting close to people, or finding people we love. Even without the experiments that mess with our heads and change what we believe- when it's over, when those feelings fade away, we still have those people. And they're real.

[He purses his lips, looking up. God, this is hard, talking about it, but it can't be easy to hear it, either. So he'll do this. It's important to him, and he thinks it's worth hearing.]

I miss my family. Every day I think about them, and it hurts not to see them. But I know I'm not alone here. I have family here, people who care about me, who worry when I'm in danger, who comfort me when I'm upset, who support me when I need help. Who love me despite what I do or who I am. That's family. That's the family that matters. Can you honestly say that you don't have anyone like that?

[Because he doesn't believe it.]

[Why is he not surprised.]

Impatient as ever. Try not to run into the barrier, okay? You've got enough damaged brains already.

[He pauses, briefly (because he knows how fast you have to be with Tommy), and then adds-]

I'll... see you later.

[And he sounds hopeful, despite making it a statement. With Tommy, he's really never sure.]

[It is hard to hear. Incredibly hard, and he feels the sharp twist of jealousy because Billy has something he doesn't, something he never will have. It seems many people do. And even if he won't admit it out loud, it's something he wants.

He laughs softly.]

People who love me despite what I do or who I am?

I... don't know.

[He looks at Billy, a crooked smile on his lips.] I think perhaps there are people who care for me. [Billy, Rapunzel, Ikki. Gregor had, when he'd been here.] But I wonder if that would still be true, were I not in a cage.

[And if that's the case, is that real? He's lied to nearly all of them, at one point or another. Lying is simply what it does. If they like him because of his lies, is that real?

He looks down at his hands for a moment.] Rogue likes me for who I am. I think. [Not despite. For.]

That... mostly depends on you.

[He wonders that sometimes, knowing what he knows about the Loki of his world and what happened back in the alternate Avengers' universe. And then he scolds himself, because it isn't very trusting of him. It's a valid question, though, because chances are, if they were anywhere else, they'd be enemies. In a way, that's what actually makes their alliance here acceptable. It's not something that's likely to happen anywhere else. Here, where fighting and killing is so pointless, it's so much easier to find a way to get along with people.]

Would you find it impossible to be the same person you are now outside the barrier? Would being free suddenly make you want to kill, and conquer, and rule?

[Because that just sounds... really lonely. Especially when the people he's befriended are so against it.]

[He wants to kill people all the time, in here. He just doesn't because there's no point to it, and it would only cause more problems for him rather than solve them.

He shrugs.]

I haven't decided what it is I want to do.

[Which is... an enormous thing for him to admit.]

Vengeance is no longer foremost in my mind. But without that, I... have no plan. [Which is frightening. He always has a plan.]

That isn't such a bad thing.

[He's aware of what that feeling is like- the lack of purpose, being lost and adrift in a world of people who seem so certain of themselves, of their future. Being an adult, being a god, doesn't make one any less susceptible to it.]

You've got lots of time to figure out what to do with your life. That's one of the benefits of being immortal, right? There's no rush.

Oh, I shall have plenty of time to consider my next course of action in Asgard's dungeons. Does it really matter, though?

I am ever not the person others wish me to be. [He shrugs. It wasn't like he was going to be... Prom Queen even before he blew up New York.]

Though right now, I must simply be a fixed point here. For Rogue. It's... difficult.

Edited (SORRY I AM A FAILURE ) 2013-09-18 04:44 (UTC)

But it'll be temporary. She will be herself again. I'm sure of it.

[He won't let himself believe otherwise. Not ever.]

As for Asgard... I think you overestimate Thor's willingness to keep you locked up. However you feel about him or Asgard, historically, Loki always goes free eventually. It's your call what you'd do with that freedom.

I hope you are right. [He doesn't sound confident. If anything he just sounds... depressed. Agreeing for the form of it. He's seen no progress, but also feels compelled to keep trying because what else can he do?]

Oh, I don't overestimate. I shall be free in time. That is part of the plan. [One corner of his lips pulls up briefly, but the expression is gone just as quickly.] No one I might care about will be there.

[There is no one in that universe he cares if he hurts, really. And that is where his mortal enemy waits.] There is really nothing for me there any longer.

...Sounds to me like you need a good soul-searching journey.

[Billy's tone is mild, after a pause, considering the words and the implications behind them. He can't sympathize - he honestly can't imagine ever finding a reason to leave his family forever - but he can recognize that trying to pursue that particular tangent would be conversational suicide.]

It's pretty common in legends and fairy tales, right? Going on a trek around the world - or the universe, I guess, on a cosmic scale - to find out where you belong.

[He laughs.]

I thought I already did that when I escaped the black hole. I did not find anywhere at all... nice.

[He shrugs.

Part of the issue is just he is depressed, without really having a name to put to it. He feels like nothing will work.

And he also feels like he has traveled quite a bit of the universe, more than Billy can imagine. And all he's found has been darkness and agony. If he wants somewhere for himself, the inescapable conclusion is that he must take it.

He smiles wryly.]

I think perhaps there is just nowhere. [Loki stands alone.] I shall have to think of something else.

[But he sounds tired rather than confident at those words.]

You can try that too. Either way, I do know that it takes a long time to figure out what you're supposed to do with your life. Some people have it easy, or it's all laid out for them, and others...

[Billy shrugs. There's no easy answer- to all the questions, uncertainties, and misery people go through. That's why he figures it's important to just keep asking them. Keep working through them.]

Life is complicated. It's the one messy lesson that's hit home the most since I started on the whole hero business. And I think the fact that it's so hard is what makes finding a place for yourself that much more worthwhile. It means all the crap you go through to get there wasn't for nothing.

That's how I feel, anyway.

It was all laid out for me. I'll have none of it.

[He laughs.] Well, I suppose if it weren't complicated I'd be bored.

[He thinks Billy is wrong. It had all been door nothing.

He puts his face in his hands.]

[The words aren't a surprise, but the movement is, and Billy doesn't move at first, taken aback by it. Finally he shifts over, his side bumping up against Loki's, and winds an arm around his shoulders, gently trying to tug him closer. He's always trying so hard to be tough and unfeeling, or make a show that he doesn't care...

Really, who is he trying to fool?]

You don't have to believe it. Not now, maybe not for a long time. But I'll keep believing it for you. There's a place for you out there, and you'll figure it out someday.

[Loki's shoulders twitch at the touch, but he doesn't move away. Instead, he leans against Billy, sagging with an odd sort of relief.]

It was so much easier before I met Rogue.

[He's not even certain what he means at this point. Maybe it's that he still knew what he was doing until then. She's the one that made him doubt, and Billy as well, with their damned questions. But it's more simple than that as well. When did he start liking it when people (at least certain people) touched him? When did that become important to him? When did he start finding that comforting?]

Was it?

[Billy's voice is honest, genuinely curious; he doesn't move away, but rather seems to hold on more tightly, wanting Loki to stay. If he needs this, he should have it. it's so rare that he accepts it, after all.]

Was it really easier to be alone? To keep all this to yourself? To not care? Because that sounds... really hard, actually. Lonely, and... sad.

[IC] Appointments Post

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