selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

I tried, in that false life. To stop. Pathetic. [It's a strange relief to say that. Rogue knows, but is in no condition to discuss the matter. Tony and Pepper know but... now they don't care. And it is pathetic that it bothers him to this extent.

But it bothers him because that despair is still too fresh and familiar, and he knows it from before. But no. Thor threw him from the Bifrost. That's what happened.

He manages a somewhat steadier laugh.] Normally I just care about winning. Surviving.

[But maybe that's the problem. Here, there is ultimately nothing he has found to win. And it would be easier if it was a matter of simply enduring until his chance came, but now there's Rogue, and Billy, and Rapunzel...

How did this even happen? Another laugh, sharper.] I'm not even capable of caring. [Not about anyone beyond himself. Isn't that what they always say?]

[Billy frowns at that. That's not right, either. It's like he's clinging to a denial when things go wrong - like before, in the playground - that completely contradicts his actions the rest of the time.]

I know that's a lie. You cared about me on the last draft. You've done so much for me in my training. You're looking after Rogue. And... if you didn't care now, about all of this, you wouldn't be so upset. You're very capable.

[And he's quite certain that Loki wants to. It's just hard to accept wanting something that hurts you so much.]

[He gives his head a little shake and laughs. Billy is right. And he both wants and does not want that to be true.]

Maybe I've tricked you. Ask anyone.

[And wouldn't they all find it funny, to see him brought to low, to know that it was so stupidly easy to hurt him.

He sucks in a breath, like bracing for pain.]

And it doesn't matter. It's not helping. [He cares about Rogue, so much he feels like he's slowly strangling with the agony of watching her drift away. He hasn't managed yet to stop caring about Tony and Pepper, and all it's doing is reminding him how pointless it is to care about people who hate him.] It doesn't make any difference.

No. It only hasn't made a difference yet.

[He knows that it's difficult to keep holding on, keep waiting for things to get better. To some extent he's certainly been there, and while he doesn't have the wealth of bad experiences the way Loki does, he gets it.

Optimism is in a lot of ways the hardest thing in the world to feel.]

You can't give up. You can't ever give up. As soon as you do, it'll just show them that they were right about you. And then you'll be lying to everyone and yourself.

[No, they are not right. He will survive, and he knows he is better than them. What they want is not what is important to him. He will win.

But what does that mean here? He laughs.]

My life was immeasurably easier when I stopped caring about Tony Stark before, you know.

But no. I will not give up on Rogue. Even if I am... not enough. [The very thought is hideous and bitter.]

Sure, life would be easier if people didn't care about the ones who hurt them. But that's not how it works. You can't just tell yourself to feel one way or the other.

[He withdraws at last, not wanting to, but needing to look at Loki, get a feel for his expression. He keeps his hands on the man's shoulders, though, reluctant to break contact.]

...Come on. Keeping it all to yourself isn't going to help anything. Sit down and tell me what's going on.

[Loki knows what Billy is doing now, and it's instinct to hide what he's feeling. But he's also tired, and not so much overwhelmed as without some more pressing matter to distract him. He looks tired, and worried, and just plain sad. His eyes might be a bit damp, but he hasn't cried. It's not something he really does.]

Hah. If only it did work that way.

[He sighs, and moves to go sit on the couch. At this point he's tired of fighting about the utility of bothering to speak.]

I don't really know where I'd start.

[That's okay, lots of people don't. Even if Billy thinks he should. But then, not everyone feels better after the fact the way he does. Might be why he's cried for lots of people before, actually. He might even do it again today.

Billy goes to sit with him, concealing another wave of surprise at his cooperation, and tucks his feet up under him to listen comfortably.]

You could start with what happened? I don't really know much about it. That other me was really... self-centered, I don't think he paid much attention to the rest of the family.

[This, he didn't mind describing. It isn't internal to him, or shouldn't be. And it's something that Billy could easily find out by asking others.]

It's all rather twisted. [He turns his coffee cup in his hands.]

In that fiction, I was a... Lawyer because that was what Odin and Thor were. [It's perhaps a sign of how off balance he is that he only sounds mildly disgusted when he says the names. He mostly just is confused by this all, that he'd been made to feel that way.] And both had been killed in an accident. For which I somehow felt responsible, though now it makes no sense why. But I'd wanted a different career before, and being a lawyer is a miserable business I suppose.

[He shrugs.]

I was an... alcoholic. I think that's the word. And after having some sort of argument with Steve... of all people, Steve Rogers, this is all nonsense... I drove my car whilst quite drunk and... purposely drove it into a tree.

[He finds this very disturbing. And it only gets more disturbing if you ask him.]

I called Tony, for help. Tony bloody Stark. And he did help. He retrieved me from the wreck, and took me home, and then the next morning... Hah. This is ridiculous.

[He still remembers the feeling of Tony's hand on his shoulder, the man saying that he believed in Loki. That they would get through this together.

He hates this. He hates that he wishes for that. In that moment, he can very much hate Tony Stark.]

[Billy listens closely until he finishes with that, nodding quietly to himself. He'd heard snippets of that, but not all, and hearing more makes the awkwardness of it much more clear. He remembers Tony and Loki in that universe being close. "Uncle Loki", and all that. It feels like the next part is important, though.]

What happened after that?

[Loki shakes his head. Why bother with this? It's meaningless. It's an open wound. It's the thing he wishes he did not remember, because it's confusing and it bloody hurts for a multitude of reasons.]

I tried to sneak out of the house, and Tony... and Stark stopped me. [He'd rather just call him Stark now, scrambling for some kind of emotional distance, but it doesn't work. Not like it used to.]

He said I needed to... dry out. Forced me to admit I wasn't happy. [And he hadn't been, in that false life. But that had been someone else's life.] That I wasn't all right. Forced me to agree to stay with him and Pepper until I was better.

[He laughs again, and it's that same painful, unbalanced sound, the way he laughs when really he ought to be crying.] Of all stupid things... oh, it's funny, it really is. Stark said then that I had a family to take care of me because I had them.

[The words are practically seared into his brain: "You have us - and we have you. Family isn't just flesh and blood, Loki."

Only it was all a bloody lie again. None of that had been real, and it was the plainest sort of mockery. It's an open wound. And it shouldn't bother him. Such things are not for Loki. He has no need of family, because he is not of any realm, of any people. Right?

Right?]

[...Ah. That would explain... a lot, actually. Including Tony's messed up state of mind, too. But especially Loki's current issues with the whole situation. Giving him a family and then taking it away is like a slap in the face.]

That... was cruel. For you to have that and then... I mean...

[As usual, there is no easy fix to this. Much as he wishes there was, complicated situations take time to get over.

God, sometimes he's so sick of telling people that. Today more than ever.]

[He laughs. It makes his throat hurt, that sound.]

It is without meaning.

[That much has been made abundantly clear to him by both Pepper and Tony.]

As it always has been. It is one more lie.

He shakes his head, still laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. It's funny. Hilarious, really, that this has any power over him, that it tears and tears. He shakes his head, seeking refuge in the old anger, the old wound, because this is just more of the same. He blinks a tear from one eye.]

I do not need these things, and I should not want them. I will excise this... this disease from myself. I am shamed that they have even this much power over me.

[In that moment, he's not even certain if he means the invaders, or Tony and Pepper. Perhaps both. He needs to keep repeating this to himself; if he does it often enough, maybe he'll finally be able to believe it, deep in blood and bone where this lie, this notion of family seems inescapably rooted.

Let him have his lie, Billy. It's all he has, now, and he knows it.]

Edited 2013-09-09 05:30 (UTC)

[ It takes Tommy all of twenty minutes to gather the information he needs to know. It was a stakeout, there's no way in hell he'd be obvious about it. Especially if this is the Faketriots idea of a fun time.

He's done the Hell thing. He knows better to engage the wildlife.

He whizzes by Kate, marking the page with a leaf and continuing on at lightning speeds. This thing is endless, no matter how fast he reads there's always more. He spies Teddy's post and skims it, up until he catches wind of Billy and - well, anything that involves Billy that isn't immediately followed by "he showered, so that's an improvement" or "the couch is looking better" is unusual and considering the situation he has to immediately investigate.

No one impersonates his stupid little brother and gets away with it. ]

Billyifyoucanhearmerespond.

Edited 2013-09-10 00:20 (UTC)

[Billy's actually on his way back from the Battle Dome when the buzz of an incoherent voice rings from the journal. He peers at it for a moment, puzzled. That looks like-

Holy crap. No way, that's-]

Tommy?

[ He's already plowed through another month and a half's worth of entries by the time he notices the response.

Thank God, is what he wants to say. ] I'm going to need you to prove that you're actually you and not an imposter! Standard protocol. [ Is what he actually says. Because come on there's no way that's

wait.

Wait, wait, wait

Is he in uniform? The snapshot things are kind of hard to see but why else would he be wearing that dumb headband? ]

[What the hell. Sounds like Tommy, looks like Tommy, but that's the strangest request he's gotten yet.]

In what universe is that standard protocol? And who would even impersonate me, geez...

[Besides Teddy. That one time. But it was with permission!]

Look, either you tell me something only you would say or I yank that uniform off.

And I'm pretty sure neither of us want that option, so how about you just cough up some details before things get really awkward really fast.

Awkward's putting it lightly.

[God, he has the weirdest brother. But he's so glad to see him that Billy finds it hard to kick up much of a fuss about it.]

Would a spell convince you? Or do I need to start up a monologue about Teddy?

Spell yes, Teddy no. I don't want to be here while you right nerd sonnets.

I figured. Hold still, I'll be there in a sec.

[And then comes the chanting, journal in hand - "IwanttofindTommyIwanttofindTommyIwanttofindTommy-" - and he should be there shortly. Assuming Tommy actually does hold still.]

[ Hold still? Nope. He's racing off!! He doesn't have a shirt and it's nippy, and he's faster than Billy anyway so it just makes sense right? ]

[Okay, he's at the clinic-

-wait the bar-

-no the lake-

-what the hell is he doing at the lake-

-what community building was that-

-goddammit Tommy-

-GODDAMMIT TOMMY-]

Tommy- will you just- I said- I want you to STOP!

[When he'd started it, he hadn't actually meant that as a spell, but...]

WOAH!

[ LEGS LOCKING UP, SKIDDING ACROSS THE GRASS LIKE A GRACEFUL GAZELLE FELLED BY THE MIGHTY MAGIC MOUSE. ]

[Oh my god, thank you, unintentional spellcasting. With a quiet huff, Billy wastes no time in finishing the spell before the last one wears off, appearing a couple feet away with a flare of blue energy, the smell of ozone accenting the air.]

I swear to god- when someone tells you to hold still, will you listen for once?

[IC] Appointments Post

Re: kekeke

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there is something hilariously wrong about telling a villain to not give up

especially when it's coming from a good guy lmao

it's okay Loki you'll get your groove back and invade Asgard some day

can't you just go for a nice friendly visit with your mum

I HAVE NO MUM. /single emo tear

DON'T KNOCK ADOPTIVE MUMS THEY'RE AWESOME

oh my god I fucking made myself cry with a tag FML

are you emotionally compromised

aaaaand there it is.

voice; september 9th

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action; september 9th