selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[It's true that it wasn't all for him- he knows that. Teddy's always kept his issues pretty close to his chest. But in the past, Billy's never been afraid to ask about them, and Teddy didn't hesitate as much about sharing them with someone he trusts, which is why he even knows stuff like Greg in the first place. But this? He didn't ask. So Teddy didn't speak up.

He wants to take responsibility for that.

Billy is immediately grateful when Teddy doesn't protest, though it's also concerning; it shows how badly Teddy needs this. Obeying the blond's silent request, he remains close, winding his arms around Teddy's shoulders and tugging him against his own body, fingers still sliding through his hair soothingly. He brushes his lips against Teddy's forehead, voice dropping to a murmur.]

Anywhere. With anything. Whatever you need to say... I'm here. I'm listening.

[Even if it takes all night, or even if he never says anything at all. Even if he just needs to be held.

He's not going anywhere this time.]

[Rather than talk right then, Teddy decides to let out a long sigh and rest his temple against his boyfriend's collarbone, both arms encircling his lower waist with the fingers of one hand catching on one of Billy's back pockets. And there, he shuts his eyes, letting himself be caught up in the fact that he's completely covered and surrounded by the one he loves. It's comforting, extremely so, to feel that way. Teddy, as strong as he is, always felt pretty secure in himself in terms of feeling safe. Strange, then, how he feels remarkably safe right now.

It's why he lingers for several minutes, just taking it all in and letting himself relax. It's only then that he opens up those memories in his head, ones that he never let anyone else see, not even Billy. Not even himself, unless it was forced on him. His memories jump everywhere, from the moment Noh-varr had taken Billy out and then rounded on him before he could even get his boyfriend's name out of his mouth, to the time when he had to excuse himself after cutting into some meat at the dinner table, trying to be polite but needing to hurry to give in to the sudden dizziness and nausea.

And, of course, the event itself.

His loose hold tightens a little, and then he starts to talk.]

I've never felt so helpless before. So useless. I've got all this strength, and I couldn't even use it. You know what it's like... It was the same for me, too. I've never been trapped in my life. Even when I was locked in somewhere, I could always just break down the door.

[His voice gets a little thicker as the memories worsen. Billy, screaming and thrashing as much as his bonds would allow him to, and the doctor patting the boy's ear like it had done a good job or something - ]

But I couldn't get out of there. I fought so hard and the thing didn't even budge. I was probably scaring Karolina even more than she already was... I've hardly ever felt like that. You were in so much pain and he kept going and I couldn't do anything...

[Sabriel has managed to settle in quite well in Luceti by now; she had her own set of appropriately fitting clothing, her own room, and a new family to look after her until her Father returned to get her. Along with the coat, hat and mittens she was given by Adele, she's got a backpack slung snug across her back, wings carefully fanned out to either side to avoid getting crushed while she runs around the playground. The swings were fun but right now? She's about to conquer the slide for the fifth time in a row! Sabriel might be giggling like mad as she does but who's around to see her, right?]

[So there's a good mix of chocolate chip, cinnamon swirls, both savoury and sweet pretzels and the aforementioned snickerdoodles. Don't mind if Sabriel takes one of them to give them a try too.]

They certainly have a humourous name.

[Can't go wrong with cinnamon sugar flavoured puns.]

[Billy doesn't move much as he waits, just holds Teddy in soothing silence, hands stroking, nuzzling with his chin occasionally. He'll be patient; Teddy's always been more careful with his words than him, so he'd kind of expected this.

He wills himself not to tremble as Teddy finally speaks, his hands tensing a bit where they're in contact with the other boy before he forces them to move again, fingers twisting nervously through Teddy's hair once more. It's half to comfort his boyfriend, and half to comfort himself, really. He needs to keep his calm. Anything to keep from making Teddy think that he needs to stop. Not when he knows this is already so difficult for him.

He doesn't think as much about his own suffering in the Cube; it had been awful, yes, and the scars have stuck with him all this time, but the worst of it had been watching, listening to Teddy's suffering and being so helpless. It had felt like it would go on forever, especially after Teddy passed out.

So... more than anything else, he understands this. He'd rather have suffered endlessly than watch even a minute of Teddy against the wall like that, bleeding and screaming...

His own grip tightens against his will, his voice muffled against Teddy's hair, a little tremulous, but not faltering.]

I remember. I couldn't hear it that well, but... you were trying to save me.

[Oh, nobody, really- just Billy, chilling out on one of the benches on the outskirts of the area, bundled up and doodling in a sketchbook with fingerless gloves. As for what he's doodling, well... it's actually her. It's not often that one gets a model so full of enthusiasm, and it's a challenge to pull it off on paper.

He's also hoping he's young enough to not look like a creeper for doing it, but judging by the smile on his face, he doesn't seem that concerned.]

[Two or three more trips down the slide and Sabriel just lays there at the bottom, legs hanging off of the end while she laughs and catches her breath. Ah...if going down the slide was so much fun, maybe climbing up it would be a worthwhile challenge? With a soft grunt she flips over onto her stomach, hands braced on the sides to start climbing her way up the sloped piece of metal when she spots the young man seated nearby.

Now that's a familiar face...she'd met so many new people in Luceti that it takes her a moment to place a name to him before she calls out in delight.]

Billy!

And I couldn't. Every time he hurt you, it felt like he was... ripping apart something inside me. And when he taunted you, when he wouldn't shut up -

[This part is harder to admit. Teddy's already allowed tears to escape, and Billy can probably feel them starting to gather in his shirt. And now, this... It wasn't just that the warden was hurting Billy so horribly, but the fact that he enjoyed it, that he kept going on and on about not using anesthesia, to keep screaming, even taunted Teddy himself, saying that the bracers were cutting down his strength and that it was useless but he loved to see him struggle anyway - ]

I wanted to tear him apart. I think... just for that moment, I really wanted him to die.

Edited 2013-02-05 05:25 (UTC)

[For a moment, there's no reaction, just frozen surprise. His fingers tense in Teddy's hair, and then he shudders, holding the blonde just a little more tightly against his body. He doesn't know what to say. Months of remembering Teddy in those moments, after he'd said the most terrible thing he can ever recall saying, seeing the shapeshifter rise above them all and spare that man...

...but now...

He's crying too, just as silently, because unlike Teddy he's never been able to mask or hold in his emotions that well, but he's trying to keep his head lifted, chin up so they dry on his cheeks. He nods against Teddy's hair, though, exhaling tremulously, and slides a hand down his back to respond because he doesn't trust his voice.

You too?

In a way... it's a relief to hear it. That he wasn't alone in those moments, even in his own dark thoughts.]

[Teddy just hopes those movements are supportive rather than out of horror, that he, too, had fallen into a very dark place for just a moment. For just a moment, he wanted to tear the bindings off the walls, break the warden's arms out of his sockets and watch him bleed. For just a moment...

And he'd been ashamed of himself for months because of that. It's... both terrifying and relieving to get it out in the open, because what does Billy think of him now? Is he a lesser man now? Is he not as good anymore in his eyes?

The thought makes a shudder run through his body, and he takes in a hiccuping breath. These things are so hard to admit, and he knows, he knows that he's not done yet. So many things kept inside are still waiting to come out, and now that he's started, he just... can't stop. Not unless Billy asks him.]

Then - Then it was my turn. I was actually kind of relieved - It meant he stopped hurting you. And - You were still recovering, but I tried to be the tough guy and not show any pain for him. [He lets out something of a half chuckle, half sob.] It sure didn't work very well...

I don't think I've ever felt pain like that. It was so deep, and when it tried to heal he just cut again. And when it healed too fast, he used some other tool. I wanted to get out of there. And - I heard you screaming, and Karolina was saying something too, but...

[This is perhaps the hardest thing of all to admit, and he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his cheek against his boyfriend's chest, his voice shaky.]

I wanted to die, Billy. That's how bad it was. I just wanted it to stop...

[His description of what he went through is the hardest part, and Billy has to fight the urge to interrupt, or to tell him to stop. It hurts, those memories, and he's not over them himself, but this is what Teddy needs. And he'll be whatever Teddy needs him to be right now.

Right now that is two things: strong, and quiet. He can do that.

He listens to every word, supporting Teddy as best as he can with his hands, his arms, his whole body, and it isn't until that last part that he draws back, stricken, to hold Teddy's face, shaken, and kiss him briefly before resting their foreheads together.]

Oh Teddy- oh god. No. Not ever, okay? Not ever...

[He can't fathom how much pain it must have been, going through that. Maybe he'd have wanted to die, too. But he- he can't- he can't stay silent, hearing that. He can't.

I don't ever want you to die.]

[Ah! He's been caught. Billy sets down his pencil and lifts a hand to wave at her, still smiling. It's nice to see her so cheerful, especially after that first day had been so stressful for her.]

Hey, Sab! You looked like you were having fun.

[It takes a good deal of will for Teddy to move his hands up, up to rest them against the sides and nape of Billy's neck, and for him to keep eye contact for more than three seconds. But after that, he has to shut his eyes and grit his teeth, unable to nod due to their foreheads touching together, though he tries to convey it by the back of Billy's jaw with his thumbs. Never - or, at least, he'll do his best. In their line of work, just one wrong move could cost them their lives. But for as long as he's living, he'll never wish for that again. For Billy's sake as well as his own.

With a sharp inhale, he continues. Just one little part...]

I thought I did die at first. I was - I was choking on something, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything; it was like everything just started to... dull. Or something.

[He opens his eyes, tears still falling freely, and he shifts his hands back to cover Billy's cheeks.]

And all I could think about was you. You calling my name was the last thing I heard.

["Stop it, stop it!! You're killing him! Teddy, Ted-!!"]

Edited 2013-02-05 12:26 (UTC)

[Billy swallows hard at that, fingers moving listlessly against Teddy's cheeks, his thumbs brushing over the tears. That had been the hardest moment- watching Teddy choking on his own blood, screams fading into coughs and then into silence, going still as death...]

I... I was so scared. I thought you were dying, too. You weren't moving, you were so quiet...

[There had, at least, been one small mercy at that moment, one he'll never forget, even if it burns him to admit it.]

He... he didn't even blink. Like it didn't matter if you died. But I thought- even if it scared me, even if I couldn't hear your voice anymore, I thought that- at least- at least you weren't suffering anymore...

[At least, maybe, just maybe, while unconscious he could have some sort of respite from all that pain.]

I was! It is!

[Change in plans! Sabriel carefully turns around to hop of the slide so she can scamper over to where he's seated.]

Playgrounds are fun! Have you ever been on one?

You should hear it when a five-year-old tries to say it. First time I tried, it took my mom about five minutes straight to stop laughing.

[Billy grabs one of the pretzels for himself; he's always been a sucker for those.]

I have, actually.

[He sets aside the book to give her his full attention.]

Back home where I used to live, I wasn't too far from this huge place called Central Park. They had playgrounds there that were so big they could fit the school in it like ten times.

[This description comes complete with his arms spreading wide, as if the length of them could demonstrate such a huge difference in size.]

Oh wow!

[That big huh? For a couple of seconds she's just lost in thought trying to imagine what a playground that large would be like, how many other strange slides and thing would be in it and...and there must be so many other kids to play with!]

Lucky~! We don't have anything like this back home.

[And Teddy does the same for Billy, fingers stroking over his cheeks and catching his tears. It's rare, moments like this, where they cry together rather than Teddy trying to hide it for both of their sakes. Discovering something more about each other; Teddy knew the gist of what Billy was thinking after he passed out, but never like this. Never after Teddy finished pouring his heart out about it.

The side of his lips quirk up humorlessly, just as an automatic reaction.]

You were right. I didn't feel anything until I woke up. It still hurt so much, it wasn't healing right or anything, but I guess he stopped...

I heard you. ["I want you to die."] I heard Xavin. ["I will show you the face of war!!"] And the next thing I knew, Karolina was freeing me, and it still hurt, but...

Xavin was about to kill someone. I know... I know that I thought he should've died earlier. I know he doesn't really deserve mercy from anyone. But... We were heroes. Young Avengers. All of us, even the Runaways. I couldn't... break everything we were and everything we all fought to be and believed in by letting Xavin kill him. I couldn't.

[He tries not to cling too tightly, even if his fingers want to tense and clench desperately at the words he hears. That, right there? That's what separates them from people like the warden. That's what makes them worthy of carrying on the Avengers name. That's why great men like Captain America believes in them.]

We... are heroes. All of us, just like you said.

[His voice is stronger again, resolute and unwavering. Whatever else he might doubt, whatever frightens him or makes him cry and scream and cling to the ones he loves like the world is ending, he'll always believe in that.

At the end of the day, they didn't kill anyone, they didn't fall to that level, and they didn't let each other or themselves die. Even if they considered it... they didn't allow death to become the answer.]

[His gaze darts down to Billy's stomach again as he bites his lip and nods slowly. It's true, after all. They were all heroes, and they would live up to that ideal, be worthy of it. They were better than the warden, and that... knowing that is so much more satisfying than any of the other grim outcomes that they all likely thought of.

And now... Teddy's done talking. Everything he'd kept inside is out in the open, leaving him feeling vulnerable and weak.

It's why, after just a moment, he squeezes his eyes shut, wraps his arm around his boyfriend's waist and buries his face in his shoulder, allowing himself to just cry and hide right here, murmuring a few apologies for - for everything. If he can be like this with anyone, it's Billy, the person he loves so much. Billy's the only one who can see him without the walls he likes to keep up, leaving behind someone who can cry and scream and cling just as much as anyone else. And he's he only one who Teddy allows himself to lean on while he gathers up those shattered walls again, rather than hide away to do so. And... he's okay with that.]

[Billy doesn't protest the embrace - that's the last thing he'd ever think to do, at this point - but rather slides his arms around Teddy's shoulders, holding him tightly, one hand returning to his hair to stroke it soothingly. He shares those tears, quietly and unashamedly, murmuring with his lips close to Teddy's ear.]

You're strong, T... you're the strongest person I know. I was so proud of you that day, and I'm proud of you today, too.

[Staying silent, holding in your pain... that's not the mark of strength.

Real strength is being able to rely on others when you need help. He's learned that the hard way himself, and... now it's Teddy's turn. His time to share this pain with someone he trusts.

And Billy's glad it was him.]

Well, maybe when you go home you can tell people about it. They're not that tough to build, and it would make a lot of kids happy, I bet.

[He has no idea what the state of her world is like at this age, so he's hoping for the best here.]

Maybe...but it'd be a lotta work.

[It would have to be completely handmade, including all of the materials used to put everything together. Glancing back over at the construction her smile fades a little.]

It makes lots of shadows...the bad things might hide in it.

[Ah, yes... the fear of shadows. Knowing what he knows now, it's not like he can just tell her there's no monsters in her closet.

He has heard a few things about this place that might help, though.]

Hmm, I guess that's possible... but at least you don't have to worry about that here. This whole playground is enchanted by a special magic, apparently- nothing bad can come near it.

[IC] Appointments Post

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