selfhelp | [Written | Voice

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[Written | Voice | Action]

[As terrified as he is to do this - and as reluctant as he is to bring up the topic just as people are starting to move past it - he's pretty certain that a lot of people need the sort of prodding he's here to suggest. Even if it's just to plant the idea in the heads of those who've been trying to ignore... well, everything. He's seen it already, with his friends- the silence, the dodging, the unease. He's felt it every day, from the moment he wakes up from the nightmares to the moment he falls asleep, with sporadic moments of peace in between. Talking to Teddy... helped. Undeniably, it helped. It didn't make everything perfect - it never does - but the difference has been noticable, and he wants to share that. Thus...

This is both audible and written (sans the excessive pauses) for full accessibility.]

So... that draft. Was horrible. I'm sure we'd all rather just forget about it... I know I would. But my own stupid head's pretty intent on remembering it all so far, and I'll bet anything that I'm not the only one. You can't just... ignore this, or pretend it'll go away eventually. Same applies to a lot of the stuff that's happened to all of us here.

This's got me thinking. Remember when the Malnosso offered that... kid therapist for sessions with us? And they thought we might actually go for it? Well... what if we did it ourselves? I mean, that's become kind of a lost cause now, especially with her missing now, and... I don't know. The idea of doing therapy with a little kid seems... [Well, he's young too, and he managed, so he can't really point fingers. But still. Hrngh.] ...The stuff I'd need it for isn't really kid-friendly. I know plenty who'd say the same if they admitted it.

But we need it, don't we? I know so many people who just... need to talk about what's happened to them, here or at home or wherever else that bad things have happened. Even if they don't want to. No, especially then. And I don't think we have anyone qualified, unless you're hiding under a rock for lack of clientele. ...That's possible, I guess. If that's true, protip: you're needed.

If not... I'd never claim that I'm qualified, but I grew up with this- my mom's a psychologist. My whole life I've had the value of therapy drilled into me. I've been reading up for about a year now, learning all I can for... basically this reason. And I know how much it can help.

So I guess this is basically a PSA: Talk to someone. Find someone trustworthy, someone who'll listen. Make yourself talk. And encourage your friends to let it out if they're having trouble with something, too. And... sorry if this might sound egotistical... while I'm not a therapist, I'm a good listener. So if you don't know who to talk to, here's an open invitation. Even if nothing comes of this, I think it's really important that somebody do this. So... there it is. And if anyone else wants to make the same offer, I can... I don't know, make a list or something. Whatever people need. Suggestions are totally welcome.

I told a friend once who'd needed this... who was helped by it, too... I think it still applies. People don't go to therapy because they want to. They go because they need it.

That's all. Thanks for hearing me out.

[Today Billy's mostly going to hang around in case he gets any responses, but at some point in the near future he's going to seek out a select few whom he knows are going to do their best to ignore his advice. Brace yourselves.]

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[Got him to laugh; that's one small victory he'll gladly accept. He does consider the words, though. It's a good enough reason to be here, but it also prevents Billy from discussing what he really wants to. Or, alternatively, what Loki needs to.

He bites his lower lip, debating for a moment, then sits up in his seat, downing the last of his drink.]

Actually, um... I hate to ask if you're comfortable here, but... could we talk somewhere private, sometime? I mean, it doesn't have to be immediately, but... well, I don't feel comfortable talking about it here. In public.

[It's Billy's phrasing--he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it in public--that makes Loki thinking that this is about Billy. He responds immediately to that.] I'm not so comfortable as all that. If you need to talk, we might go elsewhere.

[He's serious about taking care of his little brother.]

[Oh, that's instant success if he's ever seen it. And unlike some people, Billy has no qualms about discussing his problems with people he trusts. He pushes his cup away and stands up.]

I'm good if you are, then.

[He pauses, listening to the sounds. Yes, that's Billy standing. Vaguely amused, he gathers up his few things and causes them to disappear, then stands. He has a thin cane that Rogue got for him, just to he can get a sense of the ground ahead and not have to examine it continuously with magic--it would be far too exhausting.

Huh. Billy must really need to talk about whatever is troubling him.]

All right. Lead the way.

[And he'll follow along, without too much trouble. He can navigate the village fairly well on his own, after a week of practice. He already knew the lay of the land fairly well, and he can listen to Billy's foot steps for extra guidance.

He's very dedicated about being as independent as possible.]

Edited 2014-07-09 05:45 (UTC)

[Billy does lead a while- to get them out the door and into the plaza, at least. He can't help feeling uncomfortable about it, though. Loki hadn't asked, and he hadn't felt comfortable about offering, but he can't stop wondering if he ought to be helping. Would it make things better, or worse? It can't be easy, but... it's just so weird, seeing Loki move like that. And he doubts Loki's happy about it, either.

Walking back to his house, all the way at the base of the village... that's a long, awkward road.

....Screw it, that's not good for either of them.]

Wanna walk, or teleport? I've been practicing lately. Trying to get faster.

[It's not pity. He never, ever wants it to be pity. But it's how he knows how to help.]

Edited 2014-07-09 05:59 (UTC)

[Loki laughs.

He's started to discover that being blind is an entirely new and interesting way to make other people feel incredibly uncomfortable. It's a small comfort to him that he has the power to make others at least marginally as miserable as he is.

Though it isn't really a goal to make Billy feel more miserable.]

I do not wish anyone to make the mistake of thinking me helpless. [Or that he needs help. To Hel with that. He'd considered the choice between faking true helplessness and its use, and found his pride couldn't swallow it. Besides, there were a few too many people in the village who might think that a signal he was going soft, and he wasn't really in a position here to utilize that kind of advantage properly. People got all upset about murder still.

And with a factor as inescapable as blindness, pretending to be helpless was a little too close to the truth for his mental comfort. He still feels entirely unmoored.]

If you would like to practice your magic, however, I would not object. I'm not particularly enamored of being on display, either.

...Mm... I'll take that as more pros than cons, so teleport it is.

[It's more than discomfort; there's still a lot of guilt from the draft, guilt that probably won't be going away any time soon. Rogue had told him not to blame himself - really, everyone had - but words were wind in light of the proof of his failures all around him. Loki's blindness, Thor's voice, his own injuries, Teddy's fretting, all those people who'd died... some things cause him more guilt, some less. Loki and Thor are among the former, and there's really no helping that.

Decision made - or at least permission given - Billy halts, turning to face Loki properly. He begins to chant quietly, magic flaring in his eyes, the feel of it rising around them. While he does that, he lifts a hand, silently outstretching his fingers as the seconds tick by.]

IwannagotoLokisIwannagotoLokisIwannagotoLokis

[Three, four, five--

--and they're there, standing in the grass outside Loki's house. Billy glances around as the magic dissipates, then makes a quiet, unhappy noise when he checks his hand. Still not fast enough...]

[Loki can't see what Billy is doing, of course, but he can hear and feel just fine. So it's quite plain. He waits for the spell to finish, not resisting in the slightest (see how much he trusts you, Billy?) and knows instantly when they are at his house thanks to both the feeling of the spell dissipating and the proximity to the wards.]

Gently done.

What has you so dissatisfied?

[Billy scuffs a hand through his hair, frowning, though he takes a step towards the house. This is heading into private-discussion territory, but not quite. He'd just rather be inside.]

I've been timing myself since we got back. Every time, it's too slow.

[Loki heads toward the house. He knows the path so well now, there's no hesitation at all in his steps; all he needs to do is count and he can maneuver very precisely.]

Speed is a matter of practice. Like most things.

[He'll do his best to get to the house first and open the door, even. It's his house, after all. Then inside they go.]

Edited 2014-07-09 20:45 (UTC)

[Billy lets Loki go first- it is his house, and he tries not to charge in overmuch- following him in and nudging off his shoes. Practice... it's not like he doesn't know that. There's no quick and easy way to get stronger.

But he doesn't want to get stronger. He wants to get better... so people don't have to die.

That's a lot harder to wait for.]

It's just... a lot can happen in five seconds. I didn't realize how much, before.

Hah, yes. An entire battle might turn in less time than that.

Practice to be faster, but also know your limitations. [He sits down carefully on his reading chair, hesitates, then adds:] I cannot teleport quickly, myself, particularly not if...under duress. So you must have alternate plans, alternative actions always in mind.

So it's possible that this is the fastest I'll ever get?

[He sits down near Loki's chair, hands clasped in his lap, a sinking feeling deep in his gut. People do have limits, he knows that. He's still only human - mutant, whatever, they're close enough in the ways that matter - but hearing that he might never reach his goals, at his age? He loathes the very idea. All the promises he made to himself since they returned could be just a waste of air.

He didn't think he could hate the draft more than he already did, but now it's especially depressing.]

Time and training will tell.

If this is the fastest you shall ever be able to teleport, then you must also practice alternate strategies.

[He smiles crookedly.] I never could beat any of the boys with whom I grew up using sheer physical strength. So I changed the rules. That is the way to win.

Like... illusions and daggers, for example?

[He was still kind of crap with the shortsword, and only a little better with the dagger; didn't help that he couldn't practice around Teddy at all. It made him hesitant to use them since they fought side by side so often. He'd always been better with magic, more powerful, than anything he could ever do physical. But slow... still so slow. He hates it.

He needs options that work for him, but he's running out of ideas.]

[He smiles crookedly.] Yes, just like.

Or lightning. Explosions. Kinetic walls. Whatever you have at your disposal that is faster.

Well... I can do lightning, at least. It's the one spell I've always been able to do without chanting.

[Probably the Thor motif from his old Asgardian days, before the official Young Avengers were formed by name.]

Then you have a weapon at your beck and call. If you lack time, that is what you use. Now you must think of many uses for it, and practice them.

[Because all it is, ultimately, is practice. Scenarios and practice.]

And then once you have mastered that, there may be other spells you might use quickly if you practice them enough. And you must think of non-spells as well, for you may not always have your magics.

[And that right there is the crux of it; though Loki can't see it, he might hear it in Billy's voice when he responds- the fear, uncertainty, and lingering guilt from before is back, and stronger than ever. He fidgets in his chair and tucks his legs up, hugging them to his chest. It helps him focus sometimes, as much as the chanting does.

And the chanting is the problem.]

That's... what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I need to learn how to use magic without chanting. More than just one or two spells... a lot more.

[Loki nods.] You do. But it will also take time.

The way we are thrown into combat, you will be best served by knowing how to effectively use what you do know. And we will work on you leaning more at the same time. But you have good tools at your disposal already as well.

No, I mean- I really-

[He curses under his breath, a rare thing for him, and twists his fingers in his clothes, needing something to hold on to. He doesn't want to remember this, he doesn't want to talk about it, but it's where it all started-]

There was- back home, that prison- when we were in the Cube, I...

[Words. Find the words. Loki can't see, he needs the words to understand.]

He took my hearing. Put these things in my ears that- filtered my voice- I don't even know how they knew it. But as long as I couldn't hear myself, I couldn't... the magic wasn't working. He was... killing Teddy right in front of me, and I couldn't... nothing worked. I yelled and screamed and cried and I- wanted to kill him and- and nothing... and on the draft, I almost died because a soldier got me under the water and I couldn't chant. I was drowning and the magic... it just wouldn't come.

[He hunkers down in his seat, eyes clenched.]

I don't... want that to happen anymore.

[Loki can't see, but he can hear the distress in Billy's voice. After a moment, he holds out his arm to Billy, a plain invitation to join him in the chair. He's a thin guy. He can scoot over enough that they can both scrunch into the chair at the same time.

He's never been much of one for physical contact, but lately it's become important and comforting to him. And Billy's the sort that believes in hugs and the like anyway.]

All right.

[He understands how it feels to be so abjectly helpless, though his problem has never been his inability to protect anyone but himself. Loki doesn't protect people, as such. But he understands the way it feels. And there isn't really anything he can offer other than understanding.]

Then that is what we shall practice.

[With his head bowed and eyes closed, Billy doesn't see the hand right away. The relief hits him first, and he shudders, slowly looking up and spotting the outstretched arm. Still shaken, he's not sure if he has the immediate strength to get up then and there, so instead he reaches out to grasp Loki's hand, giving it a tight, grateful squeeze. Just to let him know that the contact - the offer, if that's the right impression he's getting - is appreciated. And the answer, too.]

Thanks. I just... thank you. I need this...

[Well, that's something. He'd been starting to wonder if he'd offended Billy, or... who knew. Relieved, he squeezes Billy's hand back.

He wishes he could tell Billy that he never will feel that helpless again. But that's unfortunately yet to be the case. At least this particular weak point is known, and they can find a way to work around it.]

I know you have the strength, little brother. We will find a way.

[He hesitates, then offers:]

While we work on this problem, I might give you a stronger ward, like the one Rogue has.

[Billy isn't the sort to be insulted by an offer of help, right?]

[He isn't insulted, but he is a little confused. What would that do?]

What kind of ward?

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