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[Voice/Action]
[Okay, so. Post-draft, he's given himself a few days of seclusion and bed-rest (apparently being infected with a zombie virus is exhausting), and even Billy can freely admit to himself that he's been pretty depressed lately, a fact for which he feels no shame considering that depression was well and truly earned. One can only spend so much time fretting, moping, and dwelling on one's own misery for so long, however, and today? He's decided that enough is enough. Billy will be going out today, limping around the village and visiting the people who were on the draft whose fate he's still uncertain of. The ones he can't find or has no reason to actually visit, he'll check with a light location spell, and he'll spend a few hours at Seventh Heaven people-watching out the window while he doodles in a book that Teddy had given him containing a series of patterns (much like this) that resemble inkblogs, and bit by bit Billy's turning them into something like this instead. It's been a tiring week, though, so you could always catch him napping on the table, instead.
At some point he'll attempt to find Peter, and when both a location spell and a teleport fails, he tries to teleport to the apartment he'd been staying at instead, finding it almost completely emptied. All he manages to dig up is a small cartridge that, after a moment of scrutiny, he identifies as a web fluid cartridge. His fanboyish glee at the discovery is tempered by the fact that the empty apartment means one more piece of bad news.
After his visits and window-watching is done, he'll return home to make the announcement, along with one more message-]
Hey out there... just wanted to let his friends know that Peter Parker went home. So... sorry. Yeah.
[Locked to Loki]
...We still on for tomorrow, or do you want to take a break? Because... you know. [Draft. Awfulness all around. He wouldn't blame Loki if he wanted to take a week off.
Later on in the evening he'll be over at Ben's barbeque, if anyone wants to bother him while he's there.]
At some point he'll attempt to find Peter, and when both a location spell and a teleport fails, he tries to teleport to the apartment he'd been staying at instead, finding it almost completely emptied. All he manages to dig up is a small cartridge that, after a moment of scrutiny, he identifies as a web fluid cartridge. His fanboyish glee at the discovery is tempered by the fact that the empty apartment means one more piece of bad news.
After his visits and window-watching is done, he'll return home to make the announcement, along with one more message-]
Hey out there... just wanted to let his friends know that Peter Parker went home. So... sorry. Yeah.
[Locked to Loki]
...We still on for tomorrow, or do you want to take a break? Because... you know. [Draft. Awfulness all around. He wouldn't blame Loki if he wanted to take a week off.
Later on in the evening he'll be over at Ben's barbeque, if anyone wants to bother him while he's there.]
[voice] LMAO you just want tags.
[ She shuts the journal, heading off to find the most disgustingly unhealthy thing the bakery stocks. Will he like chocolate...? ]
[action] I want jane tags, this distinction is important
When she arrives, she can find him in the fifth floor kitchen, sitting at one of the tables mixing up some mocha hot chocolate. It smells tasty as all hell 8|b]
[action] well fine then, no xion tags for you ever again
Hey, Billy. Special delivery. [ With a smile, she sets the box down on the table and takes a seat opposite him. ]
[action] how will I ever live with myself
We can do a trade. Want some hot chocolate? It looks cold out there.
[action] gosh, i just don't know 8|
It is. Not my favorite kind of weather. [ She wrinkles her nose. ] Good for stargazing, though. Also, this mocha is seriously good. [ Her mouth quirks a little before she takes another sip. ]
[action] /lives on somehow :|
I can't cook, but if there's one thing I'm a pro at, it's coffee. Well, coffee-related beverages, I guess I should say. Good thing, too- it's colder here than in New York.
[action] in suffering, right :|
How you doing?
[ Said casually, but. ]
[action] agonizing loss, idk how I manage
Mm... better. It was just- it was really bad out there. And we're okay now- Teddy's fine, Tommy's the same as ever, and I'm just happy to be back. But... you know. It takes time.
[action] what were we even talking about
[action] ...I dunno too lazy to scroll up
....
Nice.]
Okay, I feel sufficiently bribed. I don't really know what I could tell you that you haven't heard from him, though- probably just another sob story about how horribly traumatized I am.
[He chews absently on the tip of the spoon; he should probably be alarmed by the levelness of his voice there, or alarmed that he's not alarmed, or... just worried in general. His mother would have a few things to say about this, he knows. Maybe he's just numb to this crap or something.
...No, that's not it either.]
...I don't know what to say. It was a horror movie. Literally. It's not like before, where the battle just... ends and everyone goes home. They were gonna kill us if the virus didn't get cured. Everyone, sick or not. And people were dying. People were... eating each other. And we didn't have our powers, we were just in the way. We should've gone home, but we stayed because that's what Avengers do, and I had this stupid idea to go out for supplies, and we went too far, and then I got bitten, and I- I bit Teddy, and-
[He stops there, eyes lowered, letting his spoon clink against the table. Suddenly he's not very hungry anymore. He can't remember that part, can't remember anything after the first several hours, but sometimes it's like he can taste flesh and blood instead of whatever's really in his mouth.
It seems he'd had quite a lot to say after all.]
[action] ... and then you stomped all over my feelings
But she doesn't, so much. Because she knows this is what hovers beneath the surface for him pretty much all the time.
In fact, she actually smiles a little, crooked and understanding. ]
Actually, you know what? Talking is not what I came here to do. This is.
[ And with that she pulls her chair over to his side of the table, sits down next to him, and pulls him into a hug. She's getting better at this hugs - getting better at making them comforting and solid instead of awkward and unsure. Because god, if anyone needs a hug, it's Billy Kaplan. ]
[action] it's my favourite hobby
He shuts his mouth again, purses his lips, and quietly slumps against her, his head on her shoulder. Maybe he should feel bad about this- that heroes are supposed to be strong and resilient, that they're supposed to fight back this sort of pain and bury it and just be okay. Because as soon as they're not okay, the rest of the world suffers. Needs of the many and all that. That's what heroes do.
But he remembers the draft again: not the blood and the gore and the death, but of a brief encounter outside a hospital room, when he'd hugged the man behind the mask of Iron Man and been held back like a lifeline for that one moment. Shown he was a human, not a machine or a collective of batteries and wealth and science and sarcasm.
Captain America himself had made them Avengers, and he'd died. Avengers get killed. Avengers suffer. Avengers cry. Avengers break down and cling and Avengers need to be held.
It's okay to feel like this.]
[action] can i just rip my heart out and be rid of all these fee-fees
Because heroes are human, too. ]
God. I still can't believe they unleashed the zombie apocalypse on us. It still sounds like a cheap joke, even though I know it's not. [ She sighs out, presses her cheek to his hair, and tightens her grip a little. ] That's the stuff nightmares are made of. But you know what? God. It's okay. It's okay to have been scared to death, alright? Anyone, anyone in their right minds would have been. Between you and me, if it wasn't already obvious to you? Tony was. Everyone gets scared, Billy. Not being scared in that situation would be -- insane. Literally insane. [ She sighs out of her nose, rubbing his back. ] At least, at the end of the day, we're all still here. We're safe.
[action] I think that would be kinda problematic
[His response is quiet, half-muffled, and he's biting his lip so hard that a little more pressure will make it bleed. He closes his eyes, one hand fisted in his pant leg.]
The day we lost our powers, I... kind of lost it. I mean. I just...
[He makes a vague gesture with his free hand, trying to find the words he wants to get out of his head.]
I couldn't do anything. I felt so useless... everyone else is good at something. You've got your physics and Tony's got his machines, Loki knows science and math and whatever else he knows, even Pepper knows how to organize stuff... people can defend themselves with swords or guns, and I'm just...
[He laughs faintly, a weak sound carrying no humour whatsoever.]
I'm the kid that other kids stuff into lockers after school. What am I supposed to do in a war?
[action] nope nope nope i see nothing wrong with this plan it's great
Physics are all well and good, but knowing Newton's laws doesn't help me in a war either. My first draft? I was terrified. And if I'm honest with myself, I should have died. It took a lot of different people to keep me alive out there. I was useless. Completely.
But that's the point of learning. I'm going to change that. I am never going to be in that position again if I can help it. I'm going to learn skills they can't take away from me. And you know what? You could do the same thing. [ A little more gently, encouraging now. ] They can take your powers, but they can't take your mind. Whatever you learn - it's going to stick with you. So if you learn ... self-defense, or medicine... even tactics and strategy. That's how you manage in a war. Even without magic.
[action] you should work on getting good feels instead
The pessimist in him is very, very stubborn apparently.]
They can take that too, remember? They did it a few months ago. They took our memories... now our powers, too. They can take everything from us and leave us empty, if they want.
[And it's damned depressing to be so helpless. Especially when identity means so, so much.]
[action]
Then what we have is each other. Remember what I said? About relying on other people? [ Her smile is so gentle as she lowers her hand back to his shoulder. ]
Billy, as much as they take, they can't take who we are. Maybe they can change it, but it's always temporary, and they can't take it away completely. There'll always be something. You have to hold onto hope.
[action]
But a bad day - a really bad day - can ruin you for life.
He winces, forcing that thought back down into the crevices of his mind where it belongs, and lifts his free hand to press against his face, right over his eyes, his voice muffled.]
Ugh, I just... sometimes I get so tired of feeling like this. A year ago my biggest worry was how to hide a bruise.
[It's not like he regrets, or would want to change the turn his life had taken - in so many ways, it's infinitely better than it used to be. He has a second family now, friends who genuinely care about him, a boyfriend who would literally die for him and loves him wholeheartedly. But certain memories he could happily do without, like losing friends, watching people die, witnessing the love of his life being tortured...
...it's just... a lot of weight on his shoulders, and he's never been that strong.]