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[Okay, so. Post-draft, he's given himself a few days of seclusion and bed-rest (apparently being infected with a zombie virus is exhausting), and even Billy can freely admit to himself that he's been pretty depressed lately, a fact for which he feels no shame considering that depression was well and truly earned. One can only spend so much time fretting, moping, and dwelling on one's own misery for so long, however, and today? He's decided that enough is enough. Billy will be going out today, limping around the village and visiting the people who were on the draft whose fate he's still uncertain of. The ones he can't find or has no reason to actually visit, he'll check with a light location spell, and he'll spend a few hours at Seventh Heaven people-watching out the window while he doodles in a book that Teddy had given him containing a series of patterns (much like this) that resemble inkblogs, and bit by bit Billy's turning them into something like this instead. It's been a tiring week, though, so you could always catch him napping on the table, instead.
At some point he'll attempt to find Peter, and when both a location spell and a teleport fails, he tries to teleport to the apartment he'd been staying at instead, finding it almost completely emptied. All he manages to dig up is a small cartridge that, after a moment of scrutiny, he identifies as a web fluid cartridge. His fanboyish glee at the discovery is tempered by the fact that the empty apartment means one more piece of bad news.
After his visits and window-watching is done, he'll return home to make the announcement, along with one more message-]
Hey out there... just wanted to let his friends know that Peter Parker went home. So... sorry. Yeah.
[Locked to Loki]
...We still on for tomorrow, or do you want to take a break? Because... you know. [Draft. Awfulness all around. He wouldn't blame Loki if he wanted to take a week off.
Later on in the evening he'll be over at Ben's barbeque, if anyone wants to bother him while he's there.]
At some point he'll attempt to find Peter, and when both a location spell and a teleport fails, he tries to teleport to the apartment he'd been staying at instead, finding it almost completely emptied. All he manages to dig up is a small cartridge that, after a moment of scrutiny, he identifies as a web fluid cartridge. His fanboyish glee at the discovery is tempered by the fact that the empty apartment means one more piece of bad news.
After his visits and window-watching is done, he'll return home to make the announcement, along with one more message-]
Hey out there... just wanted to let his friends know that Peter Parker went home. So... sorry. Yeah.
[Locked to Loki]
...We still on for tomorrow, or do you want to take a break? Because... you know. [Draft. Awfulness all around. He wouldn't blame Loki if he wanted to take a week off.
Later on in the evening he'll be over at Ben's barbeque, if anyone wants to bother him while he's there.]
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It was bound to come out eventually, he just- ugh. Ugh. He'd been hoping it would be different than this.]
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She took a seat opposite Billy, planting her hands against the seat of the chair as if to keep herself sitting on it. She thinks for a moment for the best place to start and then decides just to ask.]
Did Teddy tell ya what happened, after we rescued you? After Loki found us, I mean.
[Did he tell you how he felt, when Loki walked up to them and told them he had to kill you?]
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Now he's worried.]
He didn't... really say anything about it. Just that I should have included him.
[But the reason he hadn't wanted to involve Teddy was because Teddy would've died before letting Loki kill him. And that would kind of defeat the purpose if he was a danger and needed to be put down.]
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She was still angry, she realized, at Teddy for what he'd said. And she was angry at Billy for what he'd done. And if their reasons really were what they were...
Her psyches screamed at her in accusation - Monster. Murderer. -- well, who was she to try and shake someone from their ideals?
Except when their ideals are plumb stupid. Or deadly. Or would result in hurting themselves and others.
She made a small frustrated sound and dropped her hand back down.]
You asked Loki ta kill you if you became a zombie.
[It's said like a statement, but it's a question too - waiting for confirmation again.]
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[Or. Well, sort of. He should probably expand on that a bit.]
I mean- I asked him for a favour, and... he said he'd do it. I didn't have to ask- he already knew what I wanted. [Which says something about how the draft was going for everyone at that point, really.] It's not like I wanted to die or anything, or... that I was giving up, if that's what you're worried about. I asked him to do it so if I had to die, if someone had to take me down, it wouldn't have to be Teddy.
[He clasps his hands together in his lap, fingers squeezing each other tightly.]
He's already... he's gone through too much already. I didn't want him to have to go through that.
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She leaned forward, confident in the distance between them, and sought his eye.]
An' why. The heck. Were you givin' out the kill order on yourself when for anyone else you'd have wanted 'em ta be restrained and held for a cure? There are a hundred ways ta take someone down without killin' 'em. And you - you wouldn't even give yourself a chance?
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Yeah, because that worked out so well for Captain America.
[He knows people could be locked up. He'd seen plenty of them in that state, and he'd seen how well the proto-cure worked with Pepper, too.
But. But. Escape was possible. And so was death, and murder, and maiming of people he knew, people he loved. His friends, his family.
Is it so hard to believe that he didn't want that?]
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[She wasn't going to get through to him if she was angry, but heaven help her, it made her shake. They had come so close to it being all for nothing.
Rogue took a controlled breath.]
Your life isn't worth so little, Billy. You've got people who care about you. Killin' off all the folks who got infected might've been the safest thing ta do... but what would that make us?
[No different than them. No different than the ones who wanted to kill mutants just because they were dangerous. No different than the Malnosso. Above all things, you had to value life. Or else why was she even alive at all? She was a walking monster, a weapon, anything in her that was good or natural had been twisted to steal the very souls of other human beings. She should be dead, if all the value to life was other people's safety.
And she didn't know it, not fully, but this was at the core of why she wouldn't allow anyone to kill Logan, why this had affected her so strongly. Because by Billy's reasoning, she should have been killed a long, long time ago. And so should have most mutants.]
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Mutants aren't monsters. Mutants have free will, thoughts and emotions, the ability to understand right from wrong or friend from foe. That isn't what a monster is. And I told you- it was supposed to be a last resort- if there was no other choice. If it was a choice between me or someone else, someone healthy and sane.
[Like her, or - god, Pepper, the real victim on the day Cap died - or Teddy- if someone, if Loki had been there before he lost it and attacked Teddy and there'd been no way to save them and bring them back- he'd have been very, very glad for that promise, because Teddy would live and he'd be spared the knowledge and memory that he'd eaten alive the one he loves more than anyone in the world.]
I don't care. I don't care how it sounds, to you or to anyone else. I would rather die than take someone else's life. Anyone's life, but especially the life of someone I love.
[There's a pain in his voice that can't be measured, memories and history and a lot of unspoken fear. But there's determination, too- pure conviction. The voice of someone who doesn't regret his choice at all.]
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An' just what [she had to pause to keep her voice modulated] do ya think I had ta do to get you and Teddy out? Hold hands with the zombies an' sing kumbaya? [She leaned forward, intent.] You don't wanna kill anyone, fine. I can see that means a lot to you. What do ya think it means ta me?
[Her eyes were filled with shadows.]
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I-I know. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for that,for calling you out there, for putting everyone in danger, for... putting you in that position. It's my fault, I should've- I just wanted to save Teddy...
[He hadn't really been thinking about anything else; he and Teddy had made it as far as they had without killing the zombies, but it had also gotten them wounded and trapped. Reckless ideals really did have no place in a war, but how is he supposed to just sit around and do nothing when it happens?
That's not the only thing that's bothering him either, but he's afraid to ask, with her looking like that. Even if it's what he came here to do in the first place.]
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[She held up her hand.] Don't apologize for that. [And let the hand drop.] I told you. That's what we do.
[Offer not retracted. But... She heaved a sigh.]
But I'm askin' you ta think about this. Because to me? Askin' a thing like that is like askin' all your friends and family ta give up on you. And that's one thing we don't do.
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[He still won't look up, because the whole situation is resonating deeply within him- because of his family, because of what he knows of his powers and Wanda's, because of what happened in the Cube, because of what he said...
More than that, though, he's confused by her. Because of what he saw. It's making him hesitate, still reluctant to ask, but... she has a right to know what he saw. And he has questions about it, too.]
Can I ask... [....just say it. Dammit, just say it.] If it was so hard for you, why are you still fighting them here?
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What? What are you talkin' about?
[If it was so hard for you.
That stung, it wrapped around her heart like a whip and it stung.]
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[Fighting zombies. Over and over. It was very confusing.]
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Yeah. I was.
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...Why?
[Why relive that nightmare? Why even consider it, let alone play it out?]
[ action ] and then I found this thread in my tabs ;;
If it was so hard for you, why are you still fighting them here?]
Why do you think?
[ action ] oh I was gonna ask you about how it went lmao
If I knew, I wouldn't have asked, would I?
[ action ] Sorry, Akai!
If it was so hard for you--] But apparently you're thinkin' it has ta do with some sort of enjoyment or ease on my part, so I'm askin' you to think about what you're sayin'. Before I start ta feel insulted.
[ action ] s'okay!
That's not that I said, and it's sure as hell not what I was thinking, either. I'm asking because I don't understand! It was awful for everyone, and we're all still dealing with it, but it's over. I never want to look at another zombie again, let alone fight one. That's what I don't get! Why are you still fighting them?
[After what he saw out there, he can't imagine anyone enjoying that. But why choose to relive it?]
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And hell. She's tired of being hurt.]
So questionin' how hard it was or wasn't was actually a clever statement of confidence in my compassion an' humanity. I see.
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[But he's kind of nitpicking her nitpicking, and at this rate they'll just go around in circles. After a moment of huffy stubbornness, he deflates a little, slumping back in his seat. He hates feeling confused- it just makes him angry, and he's never been good at dealing with that.]
Look, if I implied that I thought- I'm sorry, okay? I never thought you enjoyed killing people. That's why I'm asking. Because I can't think of another reason why someone would want to do that, but I can't believe you're that sort of person. I'm trying to understand what I can't.
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By the same token you dared to get in his face about his idiot decision to try and kill himself, Rogue. Friendship goes both ways.]
I ran that sim because it's not over. I ran it because what I did was hard. Because I can see them every time I close my eyes, an' I can see them wearin' faces of the people I care about. And there's not a damn thing I can do about the scenarios that play inside my head. But out there? [She jabs the air in the direction of the Battle Dome.] I can do something. I can see if there was anythin' else I could do. I face it until it loses its power over me. Because it's real. And it's hard. An' I know it won't be the last time.
[No, it won't be the last time she'll have to step up and do something she doesn't want to do for the sake of her friends, for the sake of her own life. But she has too much pride to state her reasons.]
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He can't really wrap his head around it, but then, she's been here a lot longer than he has, and she's older, too. Who knows what she's had to face in this place. It doesn't make her a bad person. Just makes her different than him, and he doesn't have to understand it to accept it.
As usual, Kaplan, you've just put your foot in your mouth and it's stuck there. So he ducks his head, mumbles another apology, and falls silent. It's probably than anything else he could've said, really.]
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