selfhelp | [Voice/Action]

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[Okay, so. Post-draft, he's given himself a few days of seclusion and bed-rest (apparently being infected with a zombie virus is exhausting), and even Billy can freely admit to himself that he's been pretty depressed lately, a fact for which he feels no shame considering that depression was well and truly earned. One can only spend so much time fretting, moping, and dwelling on one's own misery for so long, however, and today? He's decided that enough is enough. Billy will be going out today, limping around the village and visiting the people who were on the draft whose fate he's still uncertain of. The ones he can't find or has no reason to actually visit, he'll check with a light location spell, and he'll spend a few hours at Seventh Heaven people-watching out the window while he doodles in a book that Teddy had given him containing a series of patterns (much like this) that resemble inkblogs, and bit by bit Billy's turning them into something like this instead. It's been a tiring week, though, so you could always catch him napping on the table, instead.

At some point he'll attempt to find Peter, and when both a location spell and a teleport fails, he tries to teleport to the apartment he'd been staying at instead, finding it almost completely emptied. All he manages to dig up is a small cartridge that, after a moment of scrutiny, he identifies as a web fluid cartridge. His fanboyish glee at the discovery is tempered by the fact that the empty apartment means one more piece of bad news.

After his visits and window-watching is done, he'll return home to make the announcement, along with one more message-]

Hey out there... just wanted to let his friends know that Peter Parker went home. So... sorry. Yeah.

[Locked to Loki]

...We still on for tomorrow, or do you want to take a break? Because... you know. [Draft. Awfulness all around. He wouldn't blame Loki if he wanted to take a week off.

Later on in the evening he'll be over at Ben's barbeque, if anyone wants to bother him while he's there.]

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[Loki falls silent for a long time, because it's a difficult question, perhaps far more than it should be. Part of him wants to protest that he has no home, because whatever Asgard was to him, it was a lie like everything else. And he will return there, but it will not be a homecoming; rather, it will be attack and vengeance and invasion, ultimately.

But he also has to admit there are things he misses, his mother - even if she isn't really his mother - and Sif, the library, and he missed Vakri before the horse turned up here. He misses the lake, and the gardens, and the way the sky looked at sunset. There are things he misses, and he hates that he does, that the place that did nothing but lie to him still has such power.

It's a tangled mess, like everything else in his mind these days, now that he doesn't have a single driving purpose to keep it all clear. The more he thinks about it, the more complex it becomes. And while he likes complexity, he doesn't like it when it's wound up in his emotions and that much pain.

He misses clarity, of knowing where he is from and who he is and what he will do. The Tesseract had been good for that, if artificial. Because of course, he is Loki of Asgard, who once was king and will be again, but without the driving immediacy of purpose some traitorous part of him asks is that all? As if that isn't enough. As if there is more that he could want.

King of a people he hates in a place that betrayed him. Isn't that the best revenge of all? But there's something in it that feels off, when he thinks on it with breathing space where he's not burning with immediate hatred.

Loki pinches the bridge of his nose.]

I miss feeling safe.

Edited (Now with more tl;dr :D) 2012-11-10 23:26 (UTC)

And gauze is...

[He pokes around the first-aid kit for a moment, before he holds up thick white strips of cloth and raises an eyebrow.] This, right?

[As if satisfied, he takes the disinfectant and

and

figures he shouldn't soak it

so after holding up both items like he's making an important decision between them, he slowly begins to pour a bit of disinfectant on the gauze. Oh god is he doing this right]

[wow um

that's

probably alright?

His experience is mostly with the antiseptic gel, so even Billy looks a bit lost, watching him work. It can't hurt, though, so after a moment he reaches out to tap Teddy's hand, indicating that it's enough. He's so determined and focused, though- it's kind of adorable.]

This next part's probably going to hurt. I know it'll be hard, but at least try not to feel guilty about it, okay?

You know... [He fidgets, shuffling from one foot to the other again, then finally just blurts it out-] "One of our own"?

[He should really come to expect this sort of teasing from Zevran, but he's so blatant about everything Billy's honestly never sure. Sex is one of those things that is frequently on his mind (he's at that age, he's certain his mother would say) but it's still too new to think about making things complicated. He's not itching to share, either.]

Um. Well, I'm not gonna lie, it makes it a lot easier. The first few months here, I was kind of a wreck. Teddy's... like my anchor. I don't know how I'd manage without him.

I'm glad you could, too. I'm just sorry I wound up causing a bad situation for everyone involved.

[Whatever. There's a plate of it sliding in Billy's direction. Robin's being generous today. Try not to choke on it.

And Robin's about to launch into an exhaustive debriefing of every stalkable syllable Mordin's uttered over the journals, but then Billy gets to the end of his sentence.]

What do you mean, Loki was helping?

[They're all poisoned now, aren't they?]

Shockingly, I seem to still be breathing. I'll assume that means I'm okay.

[His brows lift at Bucky, checking for visible injuries. He's not sure if asking about his mental or emotional state is a great idea, considering what they just went through.]

[Wait what

8[ Billyyyyyy

Teddy looks at him with concerned eyes, then down at the gauze, then up at Billy again. What's this about hurting him oh no whyyy]

Wait, it is? Why?

[Teddy's worry is met by a rather deadpan look, as if the answer ought to be obvious.]

Teddy. I've got a hole in my leg. Sometimes injuries just hurt, no matter how gentle you are. It's part of being human.

[Come on, you spent days with a sprained wrist, you ought to understand this now so don't give me funny looks 8|]

[o m g shut up, that explanation makes him look down at the gauze again, if only to attempt to hide that embarrassed blush.]

Not exactly my finest moment, huh? [Okay okay, so let's steady Billy's leg again, get in a good position, and - ]

So this will probably hurt. [ - and start to press the gauze against the wound.]

[Well.

It's... not like the washing and bandage-removal and whatnot didn't hurt, so... this can't be worse, right?

Of course, now that Teddy's aware of the pain he's probably actively watching for it, which just makes Billy more determined to not show any pain at all. When the gauze touches the wound, he does three things: he narrows his eyes, bites his lip, and curls his fingers tightly around the edge of the tub, attempting to make a face that says "serious" but probably comes across as more like "this is unpleasant".]

Um- the bandage. Just wrap it around like the one you took off was tied.

[It's hard to hide from someone who's spent his whole life studying facial expressions and body language. It's easy to tell that Billy's in pain, and so he presses another quick kiss to his knee before reaching for the bandage.]

Mm. You got this, B. [Teddy's trying to be gentle, he is, but it seems pain's inevitable. He'll at least wrap the bandage around his leg, though it doesn't look near as professional as the last one did. At one point he even pauses, frowns, then undoes the bandage a little to redo the job. Stupid simple task that he ought to know.]

...Well, how do you cheer yourself up when you're down?

[She sure seems peppy today.]

Mm... I should be saying that to you.

[His voice is a little strained, but it's calm enough to indicate that it's not like he's in agony. It's a low, stinging pain when he feels pressure on unsealed flesh, tender muscle and sensitive nerves. He'd been bitten by a dog before, back in Central Park, been rushed by a paranoid first-time mother to get it properly cared for and receive a rabies shot or whatever. But dogs bite to warn, to hurt, to frighten away- they broke the skin if you really deserved it, but usually not much more.

Zombies bite to eat. That makes all the difference.]

You're doing really good, though. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to stay on.

Unless you got yourself intentionally bitten, then none of it is your fault. It was war. Things happen. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[...Ah. There's a whole lot more to that than what's being said- Billy doesn't have to know Loki well to understand that much. The relationship between the god and his world - as well as his people - is complicated and far beyond his comprehension. Persecution he understands. Feeling out of place in one's own family, he gets. Even the whole "you're not my real family", to an extent. But his reaction to that news was much, much different- there was no betrayal, no lying, no great tragedy involved on his part. Confusing and terrifying as it is, he embraced it. He loved the idea of his true parentage being the Scarlet Witch, even when it came hand-in-hand with his soul coming from Mephisto, even if his mother was still a wanted mutant.

It's a far cry from Ice Giants, though. And he has no idea what to say for a long moment, fidgeting uncertainly.]

...What... would make you feel safe?

...The perils of being a modern day superhero.

[Pepper laughs, despite the heavy conversation they'd been having. The way Billy informs them of the difference leaves her with no doubt he's had to deal with that particular problem.

She's a little surprised when he offers congratulations, and when he stares up at the ceiling. She follows his gaze upward, then looks back down at him. Somehow she doesn't think that's what he's saying it because they're safe.

But it is true that something very good did happen during that draft.]

Thank you. And you too.

It is not something I have experienced for myself, but in observing you and him I think I could see the appeal, hence the mild jealousy. Ah, well, I shall have to console myself with the loving arms of the multitudes in the village that find me terribly sexy.

[Maybe at the end of all his plots and strategy, when he's reordered the world to something that makes more sense... but no. Paranoia has become a way of life. He knows that safety is an illusion, as is trust, loyalty, love, all of those things.

He smiles crookedly.]

Nothing, I should think.

[He knows too much for safety.

Better to change the subject.]

Have you been practicing with the puzzles?

[Oh wow, cool, bacon and eggs. Billy shrugs off his concern - he's probably cooked worse himself - and helps himself. He's not actually going to choke, is he? Because that would be kind of awkward, bro.]

Just like I said. I don't know exactly how much his contribution was, but he was definitely involved.

...You're supposed to accept my thanks and apology graciously so we can all move on, you know.

[Seriously Clint, just let yourself be the Big Damn Hero, okay.]

[That obvious, huh? Not that he minds, somehow, that Billy has gotten a glimpse into something that was so personal to them. He gives Pepper's hand a gentle squeeze - he knew what was in her thoughts.]

Right. And you'll be back at work - when? [There, an appropriate shift on conversation.]

[....Pfft, Zevran.]

What, you have a plethora of options and you go for me? You're not starting at the bottom and working your way up, are you?

And so soon after I was outright banned from even trying to work! I'm shocked.

[He glances around, relaxed and kind of relieved to have a different topic to focus on. He'll need time for the sudden fluff in the room to sink in.]

The house doesn't seem to be falling apart without me, anyway. Maybe I should retire.

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[action] Here. Have some tasty tasty tl;dr.

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[Action] You're more perceptive than that

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[action] omg loki so many words to say almost nothing

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[action] it's magic, young padawan

[Action] you think too highly of me clearly

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