selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[At the smile, Billy has to look away. He's faced down that kind of smile before and paid dearly for it. He'd like to be satisfied with that- just view Loki as a monster and leave, stare down that smile and let the Asgardian's image overlap with the warden of the Cube. Bad men. Bad, bad men who smile in the face of the suffering innocents. Smile with smug self-satisfaction while children scream for mercy.

But the memory of the week before, meetings in the library, shared lessons of magic and science and the wondrous power that connects them together, is haunting him just as much as that smile. What makes a man evil? What makes them beyond redemption? Is it memory, or their nature itself?

It just doesn't feel right to him. None of this does.]

That's not what I said. Being hated isn't what makes someone worthy of suffering. Innocent people are hated all the time, trust me.

[Innocent people are shoved into lockers, punched until they bleed, shot, stabbed, bashed in dark alleys, treated like lesser beings because of what they wear, how they behave, where they're from. Who they love. Innocent people die because someone hates them every day.

But they never get answers, do they? They never get to ask, why? Why do you hate me? Why are you making me suffer like this?

Because there's no reason. No reason at all.]

[The smile is gone as suddenly as it appeared, like a mask falling away. Loki leans back against the wall again.]

But that's the point, isn't it? There is no such beast as a reason good enough to erase all of that.

[He covers his eyes with one hand for a moment.]

Horrors need no explanation. They are. Paint it with a reason, and it just becomes a mirror.

[Billy doesn't have a good response to that; he's pretty sure it just boils down to a difference of opinion. Reasons can be discussed, debated, argued against. Reasons are the tools of negotiation, a pathway to working through a destructive situation. Reasons are everything. Without them all you have is mindless pain and inexplicably suffering. Without them it just makes people seem... well... evil.

He just can't agree.

The silence is prolonged, and again comes the desire to leave. Just go home, cry for a while, hug Teddy and maybe get yelled at for being reckless again. It would be so much easier.

Instead he focuses on his tea, watching the steam fade as it gradually gets cold in his hands, and speaks again in a voice barely above a whisper.]

Why did you call me?

Edited 2012-10-05 23:06 (UTC)

[Loki smiles crookedly.]

Because I knew you would be fair.

Because I knew you wouldn't find the sight of my blood funny or satisfying.

[Ah.

There's the downside of being a starry-eyed young hero, apparently- you have to be fair.

...Well, he can't really say Loki's wrong, either.]

And that's it?

[Loki hesitates, mulling over the potential words, reasons real and not. Everything is a calculation.]

No.

[The admission is very quiet. He looks down into his tea cup.]

But you may like my other reasons far less.

What I'd like is the truth.

[Maybe he's talking to the wrong guy for that, but pretty lies have never satisfied him, not once.]

[Loki sighs.]

Both of those are true reasons.

[He turns the tea cup in his hand, smiling wryly.]

I see much of myself in you, though our paths have obviously diverged.

I wish to teach you.

[And this last, he adds almost as an afterthought.]

I haven't been able to cause you to give up yet.

[He finally looks up, eyebrow raised.]

Truthful enough?

[He should feel fear at those reasons, anger, frustration, denial. Because he's not a villain, he's not Loki, he'd never kill people or want to hurt them or be cruel or- any of what he'd witnessed, growing up. He wants to believe that, wants to vehemently deny any alternative.

But he'd asked for the truth, and to deny that would be to deny his own truth: that he'd nearly killed someone already, that a part of him had felt gratification as much as horror, that he has so much power buried within him that it terrifies him because of what he's been through, where he comes from, and who his mother is.

That he'd seen himself in Loki, too, the few times that they'd spoken, and there'd been whispers of doubt in his mind ever since.

That he wanted to learn.

So he doesn't get angry, doesn't shout or flee or lash out. He lifts his head, glances sidelong at Loki, and lets a flicker of a smile cross his lips.]

Truthful enough.

[Whether or not he's glad he asked for it, well... that remains to be seen.]

[There is a flicker of surprise on Loki's face, quickly hidden away. It's not the reaction he expected; he thought he'd get the normal wage of hatred or disgust, possibly with a bit of denial.

But then again, they are alike in many ways.

Loki nods slowly, though he's not certain how he feels now, himself. Less alone? Perhaps. But it's too soon to start springing such hopes.

There is a lot more he could say, feeling the words on the tip of his tongue. You're not a monster like me, Billy. You don't need to be afraid. You don't realize it, but you're very lucky. He's already told more truth today than he's comfortable with. He feels too vulnerable even having this conversation.]

We may start when you are ready.

Edited 2012-10-06 00:22 (UTC)

[That's... unexpected, to say the least, and Billy doesn't even bother to conceal his surprise. He'd expected a dismissal or something. Not... an offer. Not like that.]

You're.. going to teach me?

[Oh my god, Teddy is going to kill me.]

[Loki's eyebrows go up.]

I don't think I dreamed those supposedly true words.

[There is a definite flicker of humor in his eyes when he says that.]

[And Loki even has a sense of humour. So much unexpected strangeness today. He might come to regret this someday (or later tonight if Teddy's really mad), but...]

O... okay. I'm ready when you're ready, I guess.

[Holy crap he's actually going to learn from Loki. This is vaguely terrifying and awesome at the same time.]

Should probably avoid broadcasting this, though. I... don't think people would understand.

[Loki nods.]

We needn't start tonight if you are tired. [He tilts his head.] If you're to learn properly, regular lessons will be necessary.

[Mostly, he wants to make certain Billy understands. Loki is serious; this requires dedication and commitment.

He smiles crookedly.]

I had thought so. The point is to not... cause you further trouble.

I don't think anything would sink in tonight, anyway. But I'll come back soon. I'd really like to make some progress... I feel like I've been stuck in a magic rut for a while. It's strong, but I've made no progress at all.

[He pauses for a moment's thought, and then,]

There is one person I'll need to tell. He might want to meet you. I won't let it cause a fight, though, I promise.

For the best, I think. I confess, I doubt I would be much use as a teacher this eve anyway. This has been a restless night among many.

[He spreads his hands.]

Tell who you will. I am the pariah, not you.

Well... fair warning, I guess. [Billy shrugs it off, swirling the tea around in his cup and draining it with one long swig, ignoring the fact that by now it's cold.] I should head back, though, before he starts a search party for me or something. And you should at least try and sleep.

If it's to be a fair warning, perhaps you ought to tell me a name as well. [Loki's tone is very dry.]

[He raises his own tea cup in a half-salute. The liquid in it is still steam, kept warm with a tiny bit of magic.]

Good evening to you, then. Pleasant dreams.

[He smiles thinly.]

Sleep and I have not been on good terms in quite some time, I'm afraid.

Edited 2012-10-06 08:46 (UTC)

...Sorry. It's Teddy. Maybe I'll introduce you sometime.

[And that will hopefully prevent Teddy from glowering at him too much. Or getting violent. But Teddy doesn't get violent unless provoked, so... it's fine. Probably.

...He'll just let the news sink in first, yes. He stands up, idly dusting off his pants, and sets the empty cup on a nearby and newly-mended table.]

I'll just wish you luck with that, then. See you soon, Master Loki.

[It's said half in jest, with a faint smile, as he starts for the door. It feels weird coming out of his lips, but it's not bad or anything.]

[It seems to Loki that introductions would be a smarter idea than having Teddy simply show up on his doorstep one day, but he decides that ultimately, it doesn't matter. Let Billy handle it how he will.

He nods, then laughs at the use of the word 'master.' Bizarre.

He doesn't actually speak until Billy is almost out the door.]

Thank you, Billy.

[His back is already turned, and he barely catches the words above the sounds of his own footsteps. It makes him pause, one hand resting on the frame of the front door, and he considers responding, but he doesn't want to end the conversation as clumsily as he had the few times they'd spoken before. This went... okay. Well, even. He doesn't want to spoil that.

So instead he lifts a hand to offer up a backwards wave, slipping through the door and disappearing into the night.

You're welcome.]

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