selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[It’s less about her and more about what he deserves, but he doesn’t have the words to explain that to anyone just yet. Aside from Teddy, apparently, who’s gotten nothing but brutal honesty since he woke up. And judging by Teddy’s overall response, that’s… not really preferable.

Anyway.

His one good arm shifts to curl up around his leg, hugging it to his chest.]

It’s fine… don’t worry about it.I’ve just been so tired…

[As if sleeping for an entire week wasn’t enough.]

You used up a lot of energy, I imagine. Affecting so many people at once, maintaining that widespread a spell... [She'd seen how he looked at the end of it. Despite everything that had fallen apart afterwards, it's a good thing Teddy had gotten to him when he had.] I imagine it will take a while to come back from that.

[If it's even possible, he shrinks down even further around himself, limbs tightening, head bowed.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I really messed up... I hurt you, too.

Billy. [She interrupted him, leaning over and resting her hand lightly on his arm when he shrunk in on himself, looking miserable.]

I know you are. You apologized. I forgive you. What's done is done.

[In some ways, maybe it's simpler for her to compartmentalize this than it would be for most. Then again, she hadn't lost as much as others, either.]

[He half-flinches at the touch, but doesn't pull away; as he lifts his head a little, he looks more surprised than anything else. How can she possibly be okay with this?]

You... what?

[How?]

[Natasha gives him a faint understanding smile, resting her arms on the side of his bed.]

What part of that was lost in translation?

How... how can you forgive me? Just like that?

[It's honestly something he can't fathom, even when he hears it outright.]

Because. [She chooses her words carefully, thinking them over a moment before giving her reasoning.] I don't know all the details of what caused this. I don't know why you did what you did. I know magic can be... uncontrollable at times. Dangerous. Deadly. I don't trust it on principle, because what interaction I've had with it has left a bad impression on how easily it can be abused. Just like anything, I suppose. It's a weapon, and like anything, it's the intent behind it that carries all the meaning.

Which is why I can forgive you. Because there is so much worse that could have happened. Limitless possible realities. And the one you gave us was a perfect life. Or as close as you could get to it for us. And because you are sorry. It's written plainly on your face and has been since before I even walked in this room.

[A lot of that isn't fun to hear - a miserable truth, really. Magic is dangerous and deadly, he's witnessed that firsthand now. Even if he wasn't on the receiving end, he's experiencing the aftermath, every day. And he's not liking what he sees.

No more magic. That's what he'd promised.]

...You sound like Teddy.

[It's not a bad thing, at least. He's lucky to have just one person on his side, let alone more.]

He's a smart kid.

[Her smile is faint and crooked as she watches him, taking in his reaction to things. Because she's come to know him. And she should have realized there was something wrong much sooner. Both with him and Teddy. She'd been... distracted.]

So are you.

I don't feel that smart.

[He looks down, the fingers of his good hand twisting in the edge of his shirt.]

I should've... been more careful. I was getting reckless with my magic... I was fighting with my friends over it, I was so... so proud, I couldn't believe what they were saying...

[Too reckless. Too strong, too fast. In retrospect, he can see it as clearly as all of them must have.]

I screwed up. I screwed up and everything went wrong...

Billy, everyone makes mistakes. [Her voice is quiet and understanding. Not pitying. She doubts he wants that and it's not something she feels at any rate. She knows about regrets as well as anyone.] Some of us just have the capacity to make bigger and messier mistakes than others.

The important thing is... you figured that out before it was too late. People were hurt, yes, but they'll heal. And I suspect your friends will still be a strong support at your back. Whether you think you deserve it or not. [Because yes, she can read the signs. She'd read them in Teddy as well.]

[He thinks of Loki, then. "I will cut out your tongue." One of his closest friends in this place. And while the responses thus far have been... disturbingly forgiving, honestly, it's the rejections - actual and theoretical - that he thinks of, first. They people he hurt. The people who are still hurting.

He doesn't share that, though. He hasn't told anyone, not even Teddy. He doubts Natasha would appreciate the threat.

There are some things that he does deserve.]

What counts as "too late"? I didn't kill Teddy, sure. But I hurt him. I made him doubt himself, doubt me... I changed lives without even asking, I did what the Malnosso do to us all the time. And people hate them. So how can I be forgiven?

You're not the Malnosso. [She answers it simply, but it's an easy discernment for her to make as she watches him curiously. And he's right. She wouldn't appreciate knowing about that threat at all.]

The Malnosso do not show up after their Shifts being honestly remorseful, regretting what they've done to us, seeking forgiveness. The Shifts they put on us are intentional, experimental and they do them with the full knowledge of the consequences and pain they will likely cause.

From what I've gathered, you and Teddy were taken by them before this all started and you both endured something terrible, considering how he looked when he first got back and what you came back as. You love him. It snapped your control. You... If there's one thing I can understand, it's the loss of control after something like that. And something I know a good many others can as well. It pushes us over lines we would never cross otherwise.

[That's a pretty good - and accurate - summary of what happened. He just wishes he could accept it and forgive himself as easy as she can. He's witnessed too much pain since waking up, from Teddy and other visitors, to be okay with... any of this.

Still... she's very kind. To give him a chance.]

That's not... very heroic...

I don't know about your world, kid, but where I come from? The heroes aren't perfect. [She leans back in her chair again, crossing one leg over the other.] We've all made mistakes. More than a few of them were terrible. Several were on an epic scale. A few of them demolished cities here and there. Actually I think Cap's the only one out of all of us that can't claim responsibility for one of those, but I could be wrong. He might have done that too. I wasn't around when he was raiding Nazi and Hydra camps.

But the point is, you're human, Billy. With powers and abilities and capabilities that take you beyond mere humanity, yes, but you're still human. You think, you feel, you hurt. You're going to make decisions and some of them will be good and some of them will be terrible. Sometimes all you can do, all any of us can do, is try to do the best we can with what we've got. And if not... [She pauses, and her lips quirk, and there is a flicker of regret in her own gaze, there and gone again so quickly it might be missed.] Well, we hope there's someone there who can stop us and pick up the pieces in the aftermath.

[But that's what he'd been trying to do, wasn't it? Make a perfect world? And in that perfect world, he hadn't really... been there. He'd existed, sure, drifted from place to place and watched it exist around him, but he'd never been a part of it. The only reason he'd adopted a persona within was because, apparently, he'd been important in Tommy's world.

Talk about your wake-up calls.

What she says is true, though- no world has perfect heroes. He knows all too well about the flaws of his own. And over the course of his world's history he's seen even Cap make terrible mistakes.

They were still heroes, weren't they?

But not Wanda. She's a criminal to them, for what she did. If they knew what I did, I'd... be a criminal, too.]

...Something like this... happened before. In my world. But it was bigger... so much bigger than this.

[She listened intently at that, her head cocked a little to the side.]

Can you tell me what happened?

[He nods, though he’s quiet for a long moment after doing so. He’d brought it up, but… he doesn’t have to be happy about discussing it.]

There’s… someone with the same kind of powers as me. Something terrible happened to her, and… one day, she cast a spell to change the whole world. Everyone… every single person was changed. Had their life flipped around. And only a handful of people even knew about it.

I suppose we can be thankful then that you only tried to improve life on a smaller, intimate scale.

[He has to laugh at that, however faintly. It's not a particularly pleasant sound.]

"Thankful"...

[She reaches out and lays the tips of her fingers lightly against the back of his hand, the touch barely there. Her gaze is thoughtful, but serious.]

I know you expect everyone to be upset with you for what happened. I don't blame you. Mistake or not, this was... This will take some time for everyone to come to terms with.

But yes. [She gives him a faint smile at that, tapping one of his knuckles with her fingertip.] Thankful. I meant the words I said. And for what it's worth? Thank you, Billy. I choose to take what you did as a gift.

[That earns her his full, undivided attention, wide-eyed and mortified, searching her expression as if trying to find the cruel humour in her expression instead of sincerity. How... how could she... is that true?]

Why would it... I mean... how... a gift?

[She gives a soft laugh at that, dropping her gaze, pulling back a little. There's something careful in the way she chooses her words.]

Because it was perfect, while it lasted.

[And she'd been blissfully happy. All three of them had been, down in their little house by the stream. It had only been a taste, but... It had been perfect.]

[...Yeah, he's... kind of still in shock over that. It shows on his face.]

I didn't... do that part, though. You chose it. I mean- it was my spell, but that life... came from you.

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