selfhelp: ([wiccan] derpfaaaaec)
William "Billy" Kaplan (Wiccan) ([personal profile] selfhelp) wrote2019-07-30 03:29 am
Entry tags:

[IC] Appointments Post



Feel free to use this post for random threads, backtagging or forwardtagging, whatever.

It can be Written, Action, Voice, or just a quick call on the journal system for whatever reason.

When you tag, please put a [Style, Date] in the subject line to start it out, eg.:

[Action, January 1st]

Thanks!
halfnhalf: ([teddy] stop kidnapping me)

[Action, October 25th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 05:50 am (UTC)(link)
First, stop thinking that locking yourself away is the only way to solve this. Second, have a little more faith. In your friends, in yourself... in me. You're not alone in this, and you've gotten further down the road to you than you think. And I think I'm better prepared for whatever might happen, too.

Third... [Teddy reaches out again, this time to take Billy's hands, his eyes on them while they show something like a tinge of sadness.] Don't just assume there's an easy way to solve a problem, or to make someone happy. Sometimes, these things take time. Sometimes it's hard. I know you were used to fixing things with a wave of your hand for a while... but I think you're starting to get that life isn't that easy. Sometimes you can't fix it.

I think if you accept all that... it'll be easier to beat out that thing in your head telling you to do all these things. [He raises his brow, his grip tightening a little.] Okay?
halfnhalf: ([teddy] sigh what now)

[Action, October 25th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 06:43 am (UTC)(link)
... Okay.

[Teddy bows his head and lets out a long sigh, shoulders relaxing. This is better than Billy saying he should lock him away and never turn back, that someone should kill him... everything that makes Teddy's stress only build more, and he's not sure how long he'll last until he snaps or breaks down or whatever.

At least he already let everything out in the restroom. That helped a little, even if he feels weaker for it.

And he'll stay. Maybe he can talk to someone over the journals, but - he'll stay. For Billy's sake, for his own sake. Because he loves him, still loves him beyond a shadow of a doubt, and he is not going to let a possession ruin the one thing he has left, the person he loves more than anything else in the world.

He's not leaving.

He promised.]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] not what i signed up for)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 07:56 am (UTC)(link)
[In contrast, Teddy found little sleep in those nights, not only to keep an eye on Billy, but also because his dreams are no longer the content ones he'd usually have, sometimes dotted by nightmares of the Cube and his mother and the war. Now there's the kidnapping, his fake killing him with Billy saying it was better this way, and recently, his mother disappearing, asking him why he let that happen to her, tears running down her cheeks.

He considers it a good thing that he can easily shift out signs of this, even though he feels a bit like he's dead on his feet. More often than not, he dozed off on the bench he sat on, or at the fountain's edge, with Optimus licking at his face to wake him up. His dog is an active one, and he hadn't been on a walk in far too long. It was showing, and Teddy wanted him to work it off. Really, OP did most of the work by playing on his own while Teddy kept taking power naps, only to be woken when the dog got lonely and unsettled by the lack of activity.

Finally, however, they're back at the apartment. Maybe Teddy can sleep on the couch again... Maybe, if it was a good day for Billy which, when he left, it seemed to be. He talked more, actually acknowledge that Teddy was leaving and would be back. Looked at him. Teddy's eyes were green at the time.

They're blue now, having not found the energy to keep up with both keeping the fatigue off his face and shifting colors and shapes. So he looks normal as he unlocks the door and walks in, Optimus already trotting inside with a wagging tail.]


Hey, I'm... [He trails off when he sees Billy on the windowsill, yet it's different from before. Billy's too far outside the window, one leg dangling, the other on the sill, and just a tilt to one side could make him fall, and with him saying he wasn't going to use magic, he - what if he - ]

Billy? [Teddy tries not to sound panicked when he moves to the window, one hand reaching out to hold Billy by the arm of his hoodie when he's close enough. At least - At least if he fell, he could be caught, and god, what if he was trying to - ]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] shun the nonbeliever)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 08:28 am (UTC)(link)
What? You...

[Teddy had taken a step forward and wrapped his free arm around Billy's waist so that he could fall against him instead of the floor, and from there, he looks down at Billy's face, then at the windowsill, where he could've easily tumbled to the other side and...]

You were... [But when he says it in his head, "too close to the edge", it sounds... so dumb. And with how confused Billy looks (is that it?), he's sure he got it wrong. So, Teddy narrows his eyes and looks to the side, all kinds of things running through his head - idiot stupid dumbass you made a big deal out of nothing.] We're... high up, so...
halfnhalf: ([teddy] you little shit)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 08:57 am (UTC)(link)
... Yeah, I know. Sorry, it was stupid of me to...

[Teddy waits until Billy has both feet on the floor and is balanced until he lets go and steps back, still keeping his gaze away. Good going, now he thinks you don't have any faith in him.]

Sorry. I'll go see if OP's...

[He's not even sure how to finish that. Doing what? Nevertheless, he looks back to see if he can find the dog. Considering there's no sign, it looks like he probably went to find Misty.

Dammit. Scared the animals, too. Idiot.]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] unsettling)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 09:13 am (UTC)(link)
[He needs to tell him something?

What, that you don't need to worry, that you're overreacting, being paranoid?

And Teddy is paranoid, ever since Billy talked so freely about wanting someone to kill him and not seeming to see what was so wrong with it, since his mother disappeared in front of his eyes again...

He lets out a sigh through his nose, grips his elbows as if to brace himself for something, and nods, glancing at the window.]


Yeah... okay.

[It'd be so much better to find his "kids", go play with them and forget about the stresses of the day(s). But, again, it's not often (lately) that Billy says something like that to him, so it must be important.

Or awful, like what he said last time this happened.]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] she does pilates)

[Action, October 26th] TW mode ON

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 09:56 am (UTC)(link)
[That's... different. This is different from just a couple weeks ago. Teddy still remembers when Billy woke up and said those things, scared Teddy to death, just as he was scared when he walked in and saw Billy at the window.

He sounds so sure of the opposite right now, even seems calm about it. When did this happen? When...

With those thoughts in mind, Teddy stays silent for a moment, though his fingers do curl around Billy's. It's - It feels good, having Billy initiate touch, rather than Teddy doing so. It's such a simple touch, yet Teddy revels in it, and it's what pulls him back to look at their hands, then up at Billy's face.

He doesn't say a word, and he's pretty sure he doesn't have to. Just the way he looks at him, and gives a slow nod, is enough to how that yes, he wants to know.]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] you really believe that?)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 10:33 am (UTC)(link)
[Teddy can already tell he doesn't like this. The way Billy's warning him in advance, how tense his hands are - Those aren't good signs. And it's making a knot in Teddy's chest that starts to leave him weak and paralyzed, as much as he wants to push it down.

But Billy hasn't even said what he wanted to say yet. Maybe he's just being paranoid, maybe he's looking too deeply, maybe - Whatever, Billy's already scared, and Teddy doesn't want him to be scared of him or how he might react, ever.

Despite his own growing fear, Teddy strokes his thumbs against Billy's hands, trying to soothe him from whatever's shaking him. He tries not to let his worries show on his face, but he can't help the frown, as if his suspicion is buried under denial.]


... Billy, what are you talking about?
halfnhalf: ([teddy] one more day is canon?!)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 11:05 am (UTC)(link)
[Teddy thought it was coming, but it still hit him like a punch to the stomach.

I already tried.

It takes a few seconds for it to settle, and as it does, the shift he'd been keeping a careful hold of falls away. In the same moment that realization and horror cross his face, and color drains out of it at well, the signs of fatigue do as well, because how can he even think of holding onto everything when he just heard something like this?

I already tried.

When did this happen? Was it when Teddy was out talking to people about what was going on? Was it when he slept? Was it – Was it that time Billy showed him the image of his mother? When did he try?

How? What did he do? What – Teddy doesn't want to know, even as his eyes flit downward to see if there are any new scars on his arms, at his stomach, wondering if he swallowed pills, at his neck – and then downward again, unable to look at that scar without his heart clenching.

And – And why? Billy promised – And even with that, he knows, he knows how badly Teddy would be affected by it, and – was it his fault? Did he not try hard enough? Did Billy not realize just how much Teddy loved him, needed him in his life? He'd said so over and over, but was it not enough? Was he not enough? Was he ever?

Of course not, the voice in his mind tell him as he presses his palm to his forehead, eyes wide, hands shaking, if you were, he wouldn't have tried.

He wasn't good enough, he wasn't good enough, he didn't try hard enough, he didn't, he wasn't, he wasn't enough, he wasn't enough, never were never will be

His chest hurts, like that knot in his chest grew until it pressed against his lungs and made it heart to breathe, made his heart beat faster in a panic.

I already tried.

Oh, god, he almost lost Billy again, and the one who would've taken him away was - ]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] can no one see it?)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 11:54 am (UTC)(link)
[Breathe, breathe, how can Teddy breathe when he can't? Billy tried to kill himself and Teddy didn't even know, how could he, he's a stupid excuse for a boyfriend – hell, a stupid excuse for a friend, if he didn't even notice something like that. And Billy – Billy, oh god, the most important person in his life was almost lost to him again, was so close to it, was driven to it, and why did he -

Teddy can feel Billy's heartbeat under his hand, and it hurts how his own heart tries to match its pace, making him cringe, because everything else is speeding up, his brain is telling everything to speed up, the sympathetic nervous system out of control, and one organ out of alignment throws everything else off center.

But beneath all of that, he still feels it. Billy's heartbeat. It's there, it's stable, and the skin under his hand is warm, and he's here, he's still here, he's telling this to Teddy and Teddy needs to listen, but how can he when his ears are pounding?

Breathe, breathe, breathe breathe breathe, in, one – two – three – four, out, one – two – three – four, and it hurts to force his lungs to breathe in such a way, makes it feel like they're not getting the air they need. Eventually, though, it feels better, a little more natural to breathe like that, for his heart to try matching Billy's pace. He still keeps one hand against his forehead, and he still keeps his eyes wide and away, still shakes, his expression looking like he's still in the middle of his panic. But it's clear that he's at least a little calmer now. And maybe, maybe he can talk.]


Wh - Why?

[It comes out in a breath, barely even voiced. Why? Billy promised, he knew there were people who wanted to help him, knew there were people reaching out to him, and he – he did that? Ignored everyone who had faith in him and who wanted to try finding a way to save him, and just – threw away his life?

Why?]
halfnhalf: ([teddy] i love him so much but...)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-30 12:25 pm (UTC)(link)
[Teddy can't understand that. And again, the words come back, you're not enough, you're not enough, and he takes in a hitch of breath and presses his fingers to Billy's chest as if Teddy would die if he can't feel his heartbeat anymore. How could Billy feel that way if he knew there were people reaching out to him? How could he not see that?

Billy's words just make the ache in his chest grow, and it hurts so much to hear that. This person that he treasures and loves more than anything in this world felt like he was worthless, like he shouldn't live anymore. Teddy thinks the world of him, and Billy thinks the opposite. It feels a bit like all of his feelings and all of his love are being spat back at him, and he squashes down the irrational anger from that as best as he can.]


You're not -

[But Billy isn't done, which might be just as well – it's still hard to breathe and he isn't sure he could get everything he wanted to say out.

It didn't work.

That begs the question, what did he do? What did he try?]


What...?
widows_kiss: serious, curious (Competent)

Re: [Action, October 18th]

[personal profile] widows_kiss 2013-10-31 01:54 am (UTC)(link)
He's a smart kid.

[Her smile is faint and crooked as she watches him, taking in his reaction to things. Because she's come to know him. And she should have realized there was something wrong much sooner. Both with him and Teddy. She'd been... distracted.]

So are you.
halfnhalf: ([teddy] yeah it was kinda a big deal)

[Action, October 26th]

[personal profile] halfnhalf 2013-10-31 03:27 am (UTC)(link)
[And it didn't happen.

Teddy knows about Billy's magic enough to get what that means. He doesn't seem to be any calmer than before, his stomach still feels sick, and it still feels like his lungs aren't quite getting enough air.

But.]


It... didn't happen...

[Teddy had said it himself: Billy's power is based on willpower, belief, whatever he casts happens because he wants it so much that he can feel it, can believe in the want so much that it literally does happen.

If he cast it, and it didn't work, then that means...]
Edited 2013-10-31 03:33 (UTC)