selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Truth be told, he's... not great. Pressed up against Teddy's side, still clutching his hand, he almost looks like it's his first time out in the world ever; everything is new and bright and scary and he's not sure how to deal with it anymore. It's such a far cry from the norm, and even Billy's feeling it. He used to love being outside. The air, the trees, the colours of the sky- there were days when he'd go full-on Disney princess in Central Park back home, delighting in the giant patch of green in the middle of the bustling Manhattan metropolis. Luceti was a hundred times bigger and suddenly it felt like every square inch of it was watching him, waiting for him to screw up again. His eyes darted back and forth, searching for the inevitable.

It's cowardly, but he pulls his free hand from his pocket and reaches back to grab the hood of his new shirt, pulling it over his head, keeping it low to conceal his face in the overhanging shadow as much as possible. It isn't much, but he feels safer for it, and it allows him to relax enough to look ready to move again. Pathetic as it is, maybe this way he can pretend that it isn't him. If people don't know it's him...

He notices Teddy's eyes on him then, and suddenly feels self-conscious, pitiable. Teddy's too kind to judge, but Billy has that part covered, plenty.]

...You were right... it's cold now.

[One of the (admittedly very few) reasons he liked being surrounded by trees instead of tall buildings was the way Billy reacted to it. Sometimes, Teddy wondered if Billy even grew up in New York City, what with the way he seemed to settle in nicely with a place like this whereas he and others still felt out of their alignment. Of course, then he'd watch Billy talk and walk fast, still complain about some of the food in comparison to NYC's, and have moments of missing the city life just as much as the rest of them, and Teddy's suspicions about Billy being born a Disney Princess who belonged in the forest are laid to rest. You can't totally beat the city out of a bonafied New Yorker, after all.

Billy acting like he just showed up and doesn't know what to do with the trees replacing the buildings is - it's different and strange from how Teddy knows the way he'd usually respond, but not entirely unexpected. A small part of Teddy's mind had thought that Billy being outside would bring some life back into him, but the larger part of him knew that that's shooting too far, with what Billy did and how much he seems to hate himself for it.

Still, he's outside, and that's a huge step. He rubs his thumb against Billy's, and he takes a few steps to urge him to keep going forward.]

There's no snow, so I think we're in luck. [Normally Teddy would stop talking there, allowing Billy to take the conversation and go. But Billy's been so quiet that he knows he can't expect that anymore, so after a small pause, he looks up at the trees and at the sunlight flickering through.] It's no Redhorn Pass, and there's no Saruman pushing a blizzard at us. We're practically in Lórien now.

[Billy makes a vaguely affirmative noise at that, his lips curling up the barest sliver, not sure if he should really be smiling or not. He does relax a tiny bit, though; he does everything in fractions these days, bits and pieces, like his whole life is a tiny progress bar on dial-up. He's been getting better, then worse, then better again, and today's been a bad day, but... marginally better now, since he'd left the window.

He wants to keep it that way. And while it's been so easy to just remain silent and let Teddy fill the void, because his own voice, his own words, are so terrifying now, he feels like... god, he could really be doing so much more. It isn't right to leave it all on him. He might not be able to do much, and he might not have much to say, but...]

If we're in Lórien, who was our Gandalf?

[....

Shit. Shit. That wasn't right. That was- that's depressing, that's a sad scene, shit why did he say that- he should've- called him Sam, or- god he can't even joke properly anymore-

The gears are already turning in his head, mentally kicking and cursing himself, seeming to shrink down further into the hoodie.]

[It's something that Teddy can see from the corner of his eye, the way Billy shrinks, like he'd said something wrong. It's why Teddy decides to butt in fast, letting their hands sway playfully as they walk, a distracting motion.]

Who is our Gandalf, you mean. He comes back as the white wizard, remember? Fought an epic battle against the Balrog and came out on top.

So, if I had to pick someone...

[... Huh. That's a tough one. Honestly, he's thinking that Billy might be Gandalf, this possession is the Balrog, and he's Gwaihir in this case, but that's probably not something Billy wants to hear.]

I don't know... Can we really pick someone for Gandalf?

...I guess not.

[It was a dumb suggestion, anyway. Really, he's just grateful that it didn't completely ruin the mood- that Teddy had taken his comment in stride instead of freaking out over it, unlike some people. He gives Teddy's hand a light squeeze, grateful and relieved, and continues walking with him. Easier now. So much easier.]

Dr. Strange is probably the only one who'd qualify back home...

It's fine, don't... don't worry about it.

[He shakes his head, pauses to consider it further, then shrugs it off.]

I think... I've slept enough already. It's time to wake up.

[He says the last part like he's making a personal request to himself; like he knows it's time but he's still working on it, still sleeping in his own head.]

I'm trying to imagine Dr. Strange in a Gandalf costume.

[...]

And actually? It's really easy to do. [He gives Billy's hand a squeeze in return; he's here, it's okay.]

Now, who's lone wolf enough for Aragorn...

Do you feel up to going anywhere? Not out of the clinic, but for a little walk, maybe?

[The walls of this room aren't exactly welcoming or friendly. She has half a mind to find something peaceful to turn on in one of the training rooms and let him sit there, instead.]

Nate could do it. He got us all together... started us on this journey...

[It's nice to think on that, instead of dwelling on their current situation. To think back on happier, more innocent and carefree days, when they were just a bunch of free-spirited fanboys learning how to use their powers, how to work together as a team, how to not get killed by Kang the freaking Conqueror. And then Kang had come, and they'd killed him, and Nate had left...

Things started changing very fast after that, and... he can't really say that it was for the better, even with how far they'd come. If he were to cast his spell again - and he won't, he won't, no more magic - he'd wish for that.]

"Those Canaan days..."

[It's murmured, idly and absently and not-quite there: half-sung, even, like he's starting to drift again. He glances off to the side, steps growing sluggish.]

[Billy barely looks up at the voice, not really recognizing it. The fact that it's female and unfamiliar is a ping of alarm right off the bat - his primary company for days has been Teddy, with occasional visits from Mia to check on his health and Kate to give Teddy a break from... well, him. He may be absent for the most part in his own mind, but he can still recognize tidbits of what's going on. He knows that he's not good company right now, and that people wouldn't visit him unless it was for a good reason.

So when Kari enters the room and greets him, all she gets is a nervous, slightly vacant look, expectant and confused. Who is she? What does she want?

She's... actually kind of familiar, now that he's looking at her. Was she...?]

[Billy glances up at her when he hears that, then down again, nervous, unsure.]

If... you're okay with that. I think I... we... we'd like that. Yeah...

[Teddy glances sidelong at Billy; he has no idea where that line came from, as he knows pretty much all the Tolkien-songs and that isn't one of them. But he knows that Billy is drifting, so he shakes their hands between them in an effort to snap him out of it.]

Hey, hey, don't leave me alone trying to think up who could be who here.

[Don't leave me alone again.]

You're definitely a Frodo. Guess that makes me Sam.

[Billy jerks his head back to look at Teddy again when he feels the handshake, and it takes him a moment to find his center again. What had he been...

...oh. Right, right...]

I can't... argue with that. I always liked Sam.

[His thumb brushes over the back of Teddy's hand. Thank you, it says. I'm sorry.]

Frodo wouldn't have gotten very far without Sam...

[ Ah, shit. He's the worst brother in the world. The first day of Billy's wakefulness is spent actively avoiding him, not really sure how to even begin to discuss everything that's gone on and not sure he wants to.

This isn't really what he wanted to see so soon after getting the happy Billy back... It isn't really what he wanted to go through that week either, but that could be set aside for more important matters. He raps quickly against the door, hesitating only a minute before pushing it open. ]

You better be decent!

Yeah...

[Teddy lets his gaze drift to his feet at that little quote. He's been helping Billy all this time, so - so maybe it's kind of, kind of true, but... Would that still be true after all this? Was it true before? Or was he just holding out for that... ideal of his, that... fake, that...]

You shouldn't make fun; I was being serious. [He voices it like he's just returning the quote, not really putting thought into it.]

[The tone strikes a chord in Billy, sharp and severe and half-panicked; his breath hitches, his grip tightening, and he's stunned silent for a long moment.

It's just the quote. It's the quote, right? Teddy's not- he's not really- he doesn't think-

but why wouldn't he

God, let him do just one thing right today. Just try.]

S... so was I.

[Before Billy speaks, Teddy lifts his eyes and straightens, jaw clenched, but otherwise looking ahead and normal. In his mind, however, the whispers return; idiot, idiot, you worried him, you're not supposed to do that, you're supposed to be strong and brave and always there for him, this is why he wanted that other you, why you'll never be good enough, never for him, never -

"S... So was I."

The whispers break, and he looks down at Billy for a moment while his jaw slacks. Was... he being serious? Or was he just finishing the quote? Teddy only just then notices the way Billy's gripping his hand, the way he looks at him, and -

You did worry him, idiot

But he said that... like he meant it. Teddy clutches onto that, and he leans in to bump his temple against Billy's, briefly. He wants to stop and ask if he really was serious about that. He wants to just touch their foreheads together and shut his eyes and not move for a while.

But this is enough, and he can't ask too much. He already did too much.]

... I think "Teddy the Brave" sounds kind of dumb, but okay.

...Sometimes... what's dumb is also true. At least... I think so.

[He's brave. He's so brave and strong for doing this, for fighting Billy, coaxing him back to reality, then standing by his side all this time when it didn't entirely work. Billy doesn't know how he can be as strong as he is... only that he's so, so lucky to have this support. He just wishes he wasn't so out of it most of the time, that his head was screwed on properly so he could actually show it.

It makes these moments, the moments where he recognizes it and can try to express those lost and pent-up feelings, even more important.]

[Kurt eventually comes to visit his friend after catching wind. He's not really sure of what happened - but he does know that Billy was part of that weird hallucination, too. He had to be hurting on the inside in addition to having been hurt on the outside.

He enters quietly, with an attempt at tact.]

Hey there... dude. [Perhaps subconsciously he wants to rub in that they're the same age again.]

[Decent? Decent what? Because if Tommy is in here looking for a decent person, he should probably go elsewhere. At least, that's what Billy thinks, and it's sort of how he looks when he glances over to the door as it opens.

Tommy...

He'd wronged Tommy almost as much as Teddy- and certainly as much as Wanda. He'd forced them both into a family with him, a real-not-real family, only to take it away in a matter of days. They hadn't deserved that, not in the slightest. And maybe it's worked out okay in Wanda's case, more or less, but Tommy?

He never really believed we were a family before. Why would now be any different?

Still, Tommy has a right to do whatever he wants- accuse, yell, hit, shun, whatever...]

[A wave of unease rushes through him, quelled only by her amendment that it wouldn't involve leaving the clinic. Even the idea of coming out of his room is borderline terrifying, but... she's given him such a peace of mind that he can't help but wonder if it might be good for him. Maybe he can trust her... to do what's best for him? She is his doctor this week, after all.]

...To where?

[This is one of the few times Billy had said something like that. Teddy always wants to reach out and cling to those moments, those times when Billy seems to indicate that it really is him that he loves, not the face of the ideal he could have. He's calling him brave, and he's doing his best... And Teddy hates himself for the whispers that keep spinning round and round in his head, jeering and dragging him down and making these little shifts in his body necessary.

But maybe he can believe a little. Because these moments are so few, so precious, that maybe he's allowed to hold on to them.

It's why Teddy keeps their heads together, even if he doesn't respond. When he does lift his head away, he tilts it upward to gesture ahead of them.]

There's the village.

I would very much like that. ... It's-- beyond weird. I can't.... Even begin to say how weird it is. But. ... It's kind of all I've wanted since I got here.

[She fidgets with her fingers a little, anxiously.]

I don't think I'm going to be... a good mother. I don't even-- know how to wrap my head around that. But... for now, I think-- I like knowing that you're here. And that... we belong together. Although-- I haven't been able to find Tommy since things-- went back.

[ ... God, he didn't want to see this again. Any anger he might have felt is forgotten at the sight of this again, remember all the months of this and how Billy might never come out of it.

He drops into the visitor room chair. ]

I brought you some chips. Figured you'd be pretty sick of hospital food already.

[The moment of calm is broken in three simple words, and Billy reluctantly draws back and away from Teddy's touch, lifting his free hand to tug the hood back into place, further concealing his face from view. It's better. Safer. Even if he misses the touch like burning he feels like if even just one person sees his face out in the open it'll be like the spell's started all over again. Things are different, he knows - he's with the real Teddy now, and no more magic - but that doesn't make it okay. Doesn't make it safe.

There's the village.

He definitely feels like he's walking into Mordor.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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