selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

Oh, lighten up. It's hardly the worst thing I could call you right now.

[Because that is so much better, obviously.]

But relax. I'm not going to tell anyone.

Oh, uh. [Crap. Does he have to?] I just... like it, I guess. But I didn't think I'd get away with it back home.

[And once again he's torn- this time between thanking her and storming off in a rage. God, how is this little monster his big sister? ...Half-sister. Ugh, family.]

Why not? I thought you'd...

[Jump at the chance? To what, get him back for being a jerk? He'd probably have done it, if their roles were reversed. But the truth is, he doesn't know that much about her at all.]

Why? Because that's something you'd expect from someone like me? I'm not the one who turned on the hostilities when we first met, you know.

[She actually wanted to be nice to him, and maybe learn what it was like to have real siblings for once. But he was the one who made it very clear that wasn't what he wanted.]

[Not that she can blame him, really. If he had been the one coming into her home when she was younger, she may have acted the same way. But still.]

Look, like it or not? We're related. And we're gonna be living in the same house from now on. I'm not just gonna snitch my own brother.

Like playing to the crowds more than a grand affair like stage magic, huh?

[Because man. He doesn't know what everything's like in high town, but he imagines they have to have some fancy structure for that sort of thing.]

[Loki is silent, organizing his thoughts for a long moment.]

I had a family of sorts.

[That is the root of all his personal problems. That and who. The matter with Rogue is just making it worse because he is frightened, and very alone.

He adds carefully:]

Rogue is not feeling at all well either.

[Yeah... okay. She does have a point there. Uh. Damn, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on in this one, no matter where he tries to turn. He's still surprised, but... well, it's nice to know she's not an enemy or anything so dramatic.]

Well... thanks, I guess. For that.

I don't know if I'd like one or the other more. But I do like not risking getting myself into trouble over it. At least not until I'm old enough to be on my own.

[Ah, yeah... Rogue. Billy knows about that, thanks to Tony's latest therapy session, but he's unsure about how much is safe to reveal.

Still, it's not like the clinic is an entirely private place, so-]

I figured she might be, after... what happened.

[Loki shrugs. Well, he knows Billy is friends with Tony. It makes sense that he would know.]

Perhaps you ought to speak with her.

[He isn't certain if he's relieved or not that Billy has skipped the other point. Better to focus on Rogue. If she was better, perhaps the other problems would be less pressing.]

I feel as if she's drifting away. There is nothing I can do for her.

How much longer until that happens, anyhow?

[HE DOESN'T KEEP TRACK OF THE AGE DIFFERENCE, LITTLE BROTHER.]

Honestly? I can see why it would seem that way. It's all in her head, and if you can't get to that...

[He shakes his head, frowning.]

It'll probably take a while for her to work things through. Just stay by her side and help her with it, and she'll manage. I know she will. And having someone you love nearby when you're not... all there? It does make a difference.

[It's a simple belief, but something he wants to hold on to- the X-Men, Rogue included, have been through countless trials back in his universe, and she's come out on top so far. This is just another hurdle, and even if it's a horrible one, he figures that what she needs is support, and time.]

Not long. Another year, maybe two depending on where I end up. I haven't made any decisions yet.

[He's tempted to quibble with the use of the word "love." If nothing else, it's easier than an actual conversation. Maybe if he felt less tired right now, he would.

It was so much easier to move past this sort of existential exhaustion when he had somewhere he could potentially go.]

I shall take your word for it. I'd already planned on continuing on with this as best I could.

[At least until it makes him run mad. He rubs his eyes with one hand.]

[Billy pauses at that, pursing his lips. He takes an idle sip of his coffee, looking ponderous for a moment.]

You look tired. And you never have coffee...

[He glances up again.]

Can I do anything?

[He snorts.]

I am tired.

[It's a big thing for him to admit.]

I can't think of anything. I will be... all right.

[It's a horrible thought. And a traitorous part of him misses Tony arguing that point and all that followed. Hideous; what a wreck he had been. He sighs.]

This has been a lovely reminder of what is and is not real.

[It is a big thing; Billy's well aware of that. He's wondering how many small miracles he can get out of this conversation. It really is important to him that Loki keeps talking, for his sake.]

Are you having any trouble distinguishing the two? Some people've been mixed up for a while since it all went down.

Hah. No, I am well aware that I am not a pathetic, alcoholic human.

[The memories are easy to dismiss, so long as he pays attention. Though they do creep up when he's not vigilant, turns of phrase and habits striking unexpectedly.

Why then are the feelings so difficult to escape?]

I had family, of a sort. But you know that. [He smiles bitterly. He was, after all, Uncle Loki. Hah.] Family seems to always be some sort of trick.

[He's tempted to nitpick that - pathetic because of the alcoholism, or the human part? But it's not the time for that. It might never be, with Loki. People like him and Rogue are exceptions to the rule, not examples. Assuming Loki files mutants and humans in the same category at all.

Still, it isn't what's important.]

Not always. It might seem that way, yeah, but plenty of people who've had bad experiences in the past feel that way until they find a real family for themselves.

[Billy is trying to offer him hope, he supposes. Hope is a poison. Finding out one family was a lie had driven him nearly mad; this second was just salt in an old wound, a reminder of the inevitability of that rejection.

He gives Billy a sickly smile.]

Such things are not for Loki.

[He just has to convince himself again that he does not want or need this particular lie.]

I merely have not relished the sensation of being disowned again. I'll... get over it and go back to despising them as they despise me already quickly, I'm sure.

[It feels like bleeding to death. And that strikes him as funny, that he has fallen so low because Tony Stark and Pepper Potts hate him, as they have always hated him. And he is very god at reflecting hate like a mirror, magnifying disgust and disapproval; he thrives on it. It's a stupid, pointless thing to feel such pain over. He starts to laugh, his shoulders shaking gently.]

[He wishes Loki didn't believe that. He wishes that bad experiences were just that- something to learn from, be hurt by, to get over and move on from eventually. He wishes it was as easy as the advice he knows better than to offer makes it sound. He's done this song and dance with Tommy, and it's a very, very long road to acceptance. Hell, he barely got that with Tommy as it is.

Instead of responding outright, he closes the distance between them, setting his coffee cup on the nearest free surface and wrapping his arms around Loki. He's hoping not to get shoved off; sometimes people just really need a hug, and he rarely hesitates to offer it.]

[He freezes when Billy hugs him, and tenses, and very nearly does push him away. But perhaps Rapunzel has helped acclimatize him a bit to being hugged by people who aren't Rogue. Perhaps he's just pathetic enough that he does need a hug. And why? It's not going to fix anything, that's for certain. But it makes him stop laughing, the situation no longer quite so horribly funny.

Maybe he's just tired.]

Hel.

[It's a bare, ragged whisper. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut, and then he does hug Billy back.]

I am all right. [He always is, isn't he? Or was that a different life, the one where all right made him drunkenly drive his car into a tree? But that wasn't him, not at all. If nothing else, that him had a family. That him had someone, almost like a brother, who had believed in him. That wasn't him at all.] I am all right.

Liar.

[It's barely a murmur, and Billy closes his eyes, tightening his grip a little. It's such a relief to have the hug accepted, and he doesn't want to let go. Not when he can feel so much tension, so much need for it, whether Loki's intending to share it or not. This is important.]

You don't have to, you know. It's okay to not be okay.

[Even gods have bad days. Even gods cry, too.]

[He does start laughing again, quiet and almost despairing.]

What does it matter? I haven't been in years.

[Isn't that how it works? To be Loki is to be despised, always. To be of no world, no people, no family. And to revel in all of those things, because he knows he will win. Isn't that what it means? Isn't it?]

Damn it. Stop trying to make me care. I don't want to. I don't care.

[But he doesn't let go of Billy. His hands are shaking, and his voice goes strange and small.]

I just wanted it to stop.

[it's so surreal to hear him like this, but Billy doesn't stop or shy away from it. To do so would be a swift murder of the trust created here. And he doesn't want to, either. He wants to hear this, to learn more, because the more you know, the more you can help. His mom said that, didn't she? To know someone was to know what they need? And learn, in turn, what you need from them? He knew one, or at least he assumed he did. It's the other way around that he'd had yet to grasp.

It's an endless cycle. That's how it feels. He needs what he doesn't think he needs. He wants what he doesn't think he can have.

Lose enough and you just stop believing.]

You can't stop. Stopping is like... it's like dying. To be alive you have to care about something. Focus on that.

[Even if it's something as basic as the will to live. You always have to start somewhere.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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why do you do this to me it hurts

because you've done it to me and revenge is cathartic

/sobbu sobbu

kekeke