selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Maybe Luceti has. Or maybe Loki's mind has always been thus, and no one would believe it. It doesn't really matter.]

I am what I am. That may not be the same as is believed.

[Loki shrugs.]

People mistrust me because I am Loki. Ever has it been so. [He opens his hand in a gesture of invitation.] But more information is always better.

[With the initial response, Billy had expected a rejection, so when Loki agreed, he pauses for thought, trying to sort out how exactly to phrase this. He doesn't want to outright say that the Loki of his world is a crazy melodramatic bastard, but... he really is a crazy melodramatic bastard. Like. Really.

Well, first things first.]

I haven't been completely honest with you, but... that's probably not surprising. I don't come from the version of New York that you attacked. Tony, Cap, Barton- they're from that world, but in my version of Earth, they've all been Avengers for longer than I've been alive. The man who fought with you earlier is from that world, and there's a few others, too. [He purses his lips, then adds,] We've got a Loki, too.

[Loki is entirely unsurprised by this. He had assumed it would be so.

And after speaking to his younger self, he already knew there must be different sorts of realities, different hims out there.]

That seems to follow.

A hateful creature indeed, I assume.

[Which really begs the question why Billy would want to get within twenty feet of Loki now.]

[The answer to that question is "crazy runs in the family". In short.]

That Loki, he's... different. Kind of- I don't know, one-note? Your typical mwa-ha-ha-I'm evil villain. And he's caused a lot of trouble for Asgard and Earth over the last twenty or so years, maybe more. That kind of history can cause a heck of a grudge.

[Loki frowns, a look of distaste on his face.]

That sounds...

[Words fail him. Trite? Boring? Annoying? He aspires to be many things, most of them probably not very nice, but annoying is definitely note on the list.

He rubs his forehead with one hand.]

Pointless.

[Evil, in his opinion, is a pointless construct. And even more so when it's apparently pursued to its own end.]

I've never met him, so I can't say for sure what his reasons are. He probably thinks he's justified for what he's done. [He glances sidelong at Loki, cautious about his own words.] Everyone does.

[So what's your excuse, if not evil for the sake of evilness?]

[Loki hears the question, loud and clear as if Billy spoke it out loud. It's the question he is always asked. The question he can't answer, for a multitude of reasons.

He sighs.]

Destruction for its own sake is pointless. [Though he could envision a future in which he became so bored that he'd still find nihilism better than gibbering madness.] As is cruelty.

[Another sigh. He traces a finger around the top of his tea cup.]

But sometimes things we think are terrible must happen, in the service of preventing something even worse from coming to pass.

Edited 2012-10-05 20:54 (UTC)

[Billy takes a slow sip of his tea, pursing his lips at the taste but offering no complaints. He was raised better than that. ...Mind you his mother would probably kill him for sharing tea with Loki of all people.]

What's worse?

[Than dying, than being murdered, than being conquered and ruled over, enslaved? Because if that's Loki's justification for raining destruction down upon Manhattan, then this conversation is going to get a whole lot more difficult than he anticipated.]

[Loki stares at the far wall, eyes distant. Whatever he's seeing, it's not this room.]

So many things.

[He knows most of them.]

[He knows that look. He's worn it plenty of times on his face, and he's seen it before on others that he knows, too. The face that speaks volumes and says nothing. And there's that feeling again- the discomfort of having something in common with Loki.]

That's... a pretty insubstantial answer. Don't people deserve to know why someone thinks that they need to die?

[Or are they not worth it? Are they beneath that kind of right? He wants to understand, but he's got no information to work with, and honestly, he doubts he'll get any. But he has to ask.]

[Loki blinks, bringing his attention back to Billy.]

Deserve. [His lips twist in the parody of a smile.] Now that is a pretty lie. It feels nice to think the despised deserve to suffer, to rage that the innocent face cruel fates they don't deserve. It's all the same, hot and red.

[He shakes his head.]

My purposes are my own and will remain that way. Perhaps lives deserve an explanation, but even more they deserve to not be wasted.

[He grins, a sudden flash of his teeth.]

I'm a bad, bad man, Billy. Content yourself with that.

Edited 2012-10-05 22:17 (UTC)

[At the smile, Billy has to look away. He's faced down that kind of smile before and paid dearly for it. He'd like to be satisfied with that- just view Loki as a monster and leave, stare down that smile and let the Asgardian's image overlap with the warden of the Cube. Bad men. Bad, bad men who smile in the face of the suffering innocents. Smile with smug self-satisfaction while children scream for mercy.

But the memory of the week before, meetings in the library, shared lessons of magic and science and the wondrous power that connects them together, is haunting him just as much as that smile. What makes a man evil? What makes them beyond redemption? Is it memory, or their nature itself?

It just doesn't feel right to him. None of this does.]

That's not what I said. Being hated isn't what makes someone worthy of suffering. Innocent people are hated all the time, trust me.

[Innocent people are shoved into lockers, punched until they bleed, shot, stabbed, bashed in dark alleys, treated like lesser beings because of what they wear, how they behave, where they're from. Who they love. Innocent people die because someone hates them every day.

But they never get answers, do they? They never get to ask, why? Why do you hate me? Why are you making me suffer like this?

Because there's no reason. No reason at all.]

[The smile is gone as suddenly as it appeared, like a mask falling away. Loki leans back against the wall again.]

But that's the point, isn't it? There is no such beast as a reason good enough to erase all of that.

[He covers his eyes with one hand for a moment.]

Horrors need no explanation. They are. Paint it with a reason, and it just becomes a mirror.

[Billy doesn't have a good response to that; he's pretty sure it just boils down to a difference of opinion. Reasons can be discussed, debated, argued against. Reasons are the tools of negotiation, a pathway to working through a destructive situation. Reasons are everything. Without them all you have is mindless pain and inexplicably suffering. Without them it just makes people seem... well... evil.

He just can't agree.

The silence is prolonged, and again comes the desire to leave. Just go home, cry for a while, hug Teddy and maybe get yelled at for being reckless again. It would be so much easier.

Instead he focuses on his tea, watching the steam fade as it gradually gets cold in his hands, and speaks again in a voice barely above a whisper.]

Why did you call me?

Edited 2012-10-05 23:06 (UTC)

[Loki smiles crookedly.]

Because I knew you would be fair.

Because I knew you wouldn't find the sight of my blood funny or satisfying.

[Ah.

There's the downside of being a starry-eyed young hero, apparently- you have to be fair.

...Well, he can't really say Loki's wrong, either.]

And that's it?

[Loki hesitates, mulling over the potential words, reasons real and not. Everything is a calculation.]

No.

[The admission is very quiet. He looks down into his tea cup.]

But you may like my other reasons far less.

What I'd like is the truth.

[Maybe he's talking to the wrong guy for that, but pretty lies have never satisfied him, not once.]

[Loki sighs.]

Both of those are true reasons.

[He turns the tea cup in his hand, smiling wryly.]

I see much of myself in you, though our paths have obviously diverged.

I wish to teach you.

[And this last, he adds almost as an afterthought.]

I haven't been able to cause you to give up yet.

[He finally looks up, eyebrow raised.]

Truthful enough?

[He should feel fear at those reasons, anger, frustration, denial. Because he's not a villain, he's not Loki, he'd never kill people or want to hurt them or be cruel or- any of what he'd witnessed, growing up. He wants to believe that, wants to vehemently deny any alternative.

But he'd asked for the truth, and to deny that would be to deny his own truth: that he'd nearly killed someone already, that a part of him had felt gratification as much as horror, that he has so much power buried within him that it terrifies him because of what he's been through, where he comes from, and who his mother is.

That he'd seen himself in Loki, too, the few times that they'd spoken, and there'd been whispers of doubt in his mind ever since.

That he wanted to learn.

So he doesn't get angry, doesn't shout or flee or lash out. He lifts his head, glances sidelong at Loki, and lets a flicker of a smile cross his lips.]

Truthful enough.

[Whether or not he's glad he asked for it, well... that remains to be seen.]

[There is a flicker of surprise on Loki's face, quickly hidden away. It's not the reaction he expected; he thought he'd get the normal wage of hatred or disgust, possibly with a bit of denial.

But then again, they are alike in many ways.

Loki nods slowly, though he's not certain how he feels now, himself. Less alone? Perhaps. But it's too soon to start springing such hopes.

There is a lot more he could say, feeling the words on the tip of his tongue. You're not a monster like me, Billy. You don't need to be afraid. You don't realize it, but you're very lucky. He's already told more truth today than he's comfortable with. He feels too vulnerable even having this conversation.]

We may start when you are ready.

Edited 2012-10-06 00:22 (UTC)

[He just hasn't discovered his papa wolf instincts yet.]

Yeah? You know of somethin' that will?

[That's... unexpected, to say the least, and Billy doesn't even bother to conceal his surprise. He'd expected a dismissal or something. Not... an offer. Not like that.]

You're.. going to teach me?

[Oh my god, Teddy is going to kill me.]

[Loki's eyebrows go up.]

I don't think I dreamed those supposedly true words.

[There is a definite flicker of humor in his eyes when he says that.]

No, but I think that talking to people instead is a good alternative. Just a thought.

[Discover them, papawolf, and you'll be rewarded with- ...with... well, technically nothing. Teenagers are a pain.]

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