[Billy knows how difficult this is; as hard as it is for him, it must be so much worse for Teddy to hear it all, and he's being so patient to listen to his disaster of a boyfriend let it all out. It's why he doesn't waste any time nodding, quickly swallowing back the lump in his throat to give his voice strength, since Teddy's eyes are closed.]
...Yeah. And that... I think... it's what freaked me out the most. You can't imagine- I'd never want you to, but- how it feels? To go from... thinking, desperately believing that all you can do with your life is just to let it end... to realizing that's the one thing you can't do. All that power, all that magic, as much as I chanted and chanted and told myself over and over... it didn't mean anything, because it wasn't how I felt.
[He closes his eyes now too, breathing in, breathing out, trying to let the air in his lungs calm him, sooth his racing heartbeat. He's alive. Alive, and wanting to stay that way. He thinks back to that feeling, the experience of recognizing that fact, trying to channel it into words.]
What I told you before... when I was still messed up in the head? It was all true. And it still is.
[He opens his eyes again, worried, infinitely sad, but determined, too. It hurts, it sucks, but he won't let this beat them. Not ever.]
Sometimes... sometimes I still think back on that. That some people would be better off if I was gone. There's bad days. I can't promise there won't always be bad days now and then. This memory's a part of me now, and I hate knowing that I'm capable of... of trying.
[He gives Teddy's hand a squeeze, needing that contact, needing him to feel it.]
But I know you're not one of them. Even if I hate myself for what I did, for how I hurt you... even for who I am, sometimes. I know you wouldn't be better off without me. If I left you like that, I... it would be selfish. It wouldn't be for you, no matter how I'd try to justify it like that. I'd just be ending my own pain, and that's... not very heroic, is it.
[He doesn't feel like a hero anymore. But he's not exactly a villain, either. The world really isn't so black and white like that. It's hard, acknowledging that. It seems like everything is hard these days.
But it doesn't have to be. Not always.]
Teddy, I... I'm scared. I'm scared of this thing inside me- not whatever was messing with my head, but what's in me, just me. This power. I think about- what happened with Wanda, the alternate reality she made, the way she depowered or killed all the mutants... I can't have that be me. I can't have that be my legacy, or the only thing that people remember me for. That's what I'd rather die than become. Not some kind of... self-deprecating burden on your shoulders. That's a stupid, selfish reason to give up on myself.
[action]
...Yeah. And that... I think... it's what freaked me out the most. You can't imagine- I'd never want you to, but- how it feels? To go from... thinking, desperately believing that all you can do with your life is just to let it end... to realizing that's the one thing you can't do. All that power, all that magic, as much as I chanted and chanted and told myself over and over... it didn't mean anything, because it wasn't how I felt.
[He closes his eyes now too, breathing in, breathing out, trying to let the air in his lungs calm him, sooth his racing heartbeat. He's alive. Alive, and wanting to stay that way. He thinks back to that feeling, the experience of recognizing that fact, trying to channel it into words.]
What I told you before... when I was still messed up in the head? It was all true. And it still is.
[He opens his eyes again, worried, infinitely sad, but determined, too. It hurts, it sucks, but he won't let this beat them. Not ever.]
Sometimes... sometimes I still think back on that. That some people would be better off if I was gone. There's bad days. I can't promise there won't always be bad days now and then. This memory's a part of me now, and I hate knowing that I'm capable of... of trying.
[He gives Teddy's hand a squeeze, needing that contact, needing him to feel it.]
But I know you're not one of them. Even if I hate myself for what I did, for how I hurt you... even for who I am, sometimes. I know you wouldn't be better off without me. If I left you like that, I... it would be selfish. It wouldn't be for you, no matter how I'd try to justify it like that. I'd just be ending my own pain, and that's... not very heroic, is it.
[He doesn't feel like a hero anymore. But he's not exactly a villain, either. The world really isn't so black and white like that. It's hard, acknowledging that. It seems like everything is hard these days.
But it doesn't have to be. Not always.]
Teddy, I... I'm scared. I'm scared of this thing inside me- not whatever was messing with my head, but what's in me, just me. This power. I think about- what happened with Wanda, the alternate reality she made, the way she depowered or killed all the mutants... I can't have that be me. I can't have that be my legacy, or the only thing that people remember me for. That's what I'd rather die than become. Not some kind of... self-deprecating burden on your shoulders. That's a stupid, selfish reason to give up on myself.