Before, during the most recent shift. I was subjected to another false life, but it was very like my own. [He hates this. It's so pathetic. Deeply pathetic.] Only in that fantasy of Asgard, I'd had two lovers, both of whom meant a great deal to me. Men. Who during that shift were created from Eugene and Jack.
[He hesitates, then decides he will not speak those names. He knows none of it happened, really. But he can't help but treasure those memories anyway, because he wishes it had. He wishes he hadn't been so utterly alone.]
The feelings lingered, after the shift had ended. I did[] not want them to. I still seek some way I can be rid of them. [He lifts one hand for a moment to press his thumb over his heart, the nail digging into his flesh through his shirt.] Would that I could just cut this nonsense out as the tumor it is and be rid of it.
[He lets his hand drop to his lap.] Rogue noticed I was upset, after having had a particularly stupid conversation with Eugene during the draft. She asked what was amiss. I will not lie to her, so I gave her the truth of it as I promised I would.
[His shoulders start to tremble.] I do not love her any less or differently than I did before. But I cannot rid myself of these feelings. And I know it hurts her. I know it is not what she expects of me, and I tried--
[He stops, catching his breath.]
Well, it doesn't matter. It wasn't good enough then, and my failure has become all the more abject now. [At this point, if he weren't so utterly fatigued he'd run screaming into the woods again. But he's never managed to properly escape himself. An unsteady breath.] And immediately after was when I was caught by the Dream Shifter. And then died. Hah. And then returned, blind and... unmanned.
[Action, June 24]
[He hesitates, then decides he will not speak those names. He knows none of it happened, really. But he can't help but treasure those memories anyway, because he wishes it had. He wishes he hadn't been so utterly alone.]
The feelings lingered, after the shift had ended. I did[] not want them to. I still seek some way I can be rid of them. [He lifts one hand for a moment to press his thumb over his heart, the nail digging into his flesh through his shirt.] Would that I could just cut this nonsense out as the tumor it is and be rid of it.
[He lets his hand drop to his lap.] Rogue noticed I was upset, after having had a particularly stupid conversation with Eugene during the draft. She asked what was amiss. I will not lie to her, so I gave her the truth of it as I promised I would.
[His shoulders start to tremble.] I do not love her any less or differently than I did before. But I cannot rid myself of these feelings. And I know it hurts her. I know it is not what she expects of me, and I tried--
[He stops, catching his breath.]
Well, it doesn't matter. It wasn't good enough then, and my failure has become all the more abject now. [At this point, if he weren't so utterly fatigued he'd run screaming into the woods again. But he's never managed to properly escape himself. An unsteady breath.] And immediately after was when I was caught by the Dream Shifter. And then died. Hah. And then returned, blind and... unmanned.