[Loki shrugs.] Even on the best of days, sleep does not come easily. Of late, only when I am exhausted. And I do not care over much about food. I forget.
[At best, he finds eating an inconvenience, if a sometimes companionable one.
He's quiet as Billy starts cleaning his feet. At this point, he doesn't have the energy to protest. and maybe part of him likes feeling as if he's cared for.
He snorts.]
At Eugene's birthday party. Rogue had long since gone home. I was quite drunk. During the drinking games... I don't really recall if either Eugene kissed me or I, him. It doesn't matter, ultimately.
After I had recovered enough this morning to recall what I had been about, I knew that I ought to tell Rogue. The first and most important promise I ever did make to her was that I would give her my honesty. [And to not tell her would have been, unquestionably, a lie. Beyond the many other reasons he'd considered.] I told her what I had done. And that I should not have done it. And that I was sorry. And that I still love her, and that has not changed.
[And that he still loved her, as he always did.
But it seemed that was not enough. He did not lover her enough. He still wasn't certain how he could love someone more than he loved her. But perhaps he's just incapable.
He twists his fingers in his lap. He starts picking at a hangnail again, then carefully stops his hands and tucks his fingers under his legs.]
It is more than that. [The words are choked and strange. His eyes hurt. His throat hurts. He smiles.] I am far worse than that.
[Because there was the why of it all. He might as well confess that as well, so Billy has the full measure of the situation. And then it will hopefully no longer matter, because he will find a way to expunge all of this from himself. He had been right, ever time he had said he would be better, he had to be better. He had waited too long to take action, trusting the advice of others, and this is what it had caused.]
[Action, June 24]
[At best, he finds eating an inconvenience, if a sometimes companionable one.
He's quiet as Billy starts cleaning his feet. At this point, he doesn't have the energy to protest. and maybe part of him likes feeling as if he's cared for.
He snorts.]
At Eugene's birthday party. Rogue had long since gone home. I was quite drunk. During the drinking games... I don't really recall if either Eugene kissed me or I, him. It doesn't matter, ultimately.
After I had recovered enough this morning to recall what I had been about, I knew that I ought to tell Rogue. The first and most important promise I ever did make to her was that I would give her my honesty. [And to not tell her would have been, unquestionably, a lie. Beyond the many other reasons he'd considered.] I told her what I had done. And that I should not have done it. And that I was sorry. And that I still love her, and that has not changed.
[And that he still loved her, as he always did.
But it seemed that was not enough. He did not lover her enough. He still wasn't certain how he could love someone more than he loved her. But perhaps he's just incapable.
He twists his fingers in his lap. He starts picking at a hangnail again, then carefully stops his hands and tucks his fingers under his legs.]
It is more than that. [The words are choked and strange. His eyes hurt. His throat hurts. He smiles.] I am far worse than that.
[Because there was the why of it all. He might as well confess that as well, so Billy has the full measure of the situation. And then it will hopefully no longer matter, because he will find a way to expunge all of this from himself. He had been right, ever time he had said he would be better, he had to be better. He had waited too long to take action, trusting the advice of others, and this is what it had caused.]