selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

Dunno, in a few weeks?

[Wow, he expected like, yesterday. This is good, actually.][He'll just. Practice some enchantments in the meantime.]

[ look i'm trying to court a girl. ]

By the way, I'm totally dating Bulla now. [ I

guess. ]

Edited 2014-07-19 07:06 (UTC)

[WH-

WHERE DID THAT EVEN COME FROM]

S... seriously? She agreed to date you?

[Wait that probably came out wrong.]

Duh. I'm awesome. [ ...... ] Also, I have to meet her father.

[This sounds dangerous.]

Isn't he, like, crazy-powerful? I sort of remember Teddy talking about that.

I guess? She's pretty powerful by herself and her dad's probably more intense.

...In other words, Wanda should look to me for eventual grandkids and not you?

[Your balls are totally crunched, bro.]

[Billy hadn't thought that she would, but that's the sort of question that has to be asked to get the full story. He's glad, though, even if it means more blame is on Loki again.

It's messy, though. This is all so, so messy.

He finishes with the first foot and moves on to the next, avoiding looking at Loki now. At least the other man won't know one way or the other.]

I know it's hard to wait for things to change... to go back to normal. And the thought that things might never be normal again makes it even scarier. But if you let your impatience for it damage your relationships, you might break something that can't be fixed.

[He laughs.] I already did, didn't I?

[Then he shakes his head, slowly back and forth.] Impatience isn't the problem. [He hadn't kissed Eugene for something so simply stated as a desire to feel normal. He'd ultimately kissed the man because he'd liked him, and wanted to do it. Which was no doubt immeasurably worse.

So then what is the problem? If he can define the problem at hand, then he can try to eradicate it.]

[I don't want to, he wants to say. I don't want to do this, I just want to forget.

That's the lousy part about your own head, though, isn't it? You forget too much good. It's the bad that sticks the most.

Her voice is soothing, though, and after an extended moment he pauses long enough to let his hand settle. After that he finishes the sketch with a little less trouble. It's not a complete recovery, but it's a step in the right direction.]

What have you drawn?

...a lot of things. I write more than I draw, though.

[She looks away from Billy and takes a deep breath.]

Flames. I had to burn his body, you know.

[...the smell of it. She'd been sick for what felt like forever once she got back to camp.]

I think it's a bit of the problem. I mean... you're desperate to feel better, aren't you? To be better. You said yourself- you want to be normal. You want to... do your duty, or whatever. But if Rogue isn't the one pressuring you, then the one who's in a hurry for it is you.

[He winces as he plucks free another splinter. Ugh, that's a mess.]

What do you think is the problem?

[He falls silent for a moment.] I suppose I should say that the problem is me. There is something wrong with me. Something that means I will never be enough. I don't know what. But if I knew, I would excise the flaw like a tumor and cast it out.

[He sighs.] And I do think that. Satisfaction is not in my nature. I will always want more than I have.

[And perhaps that means this was always doomed to failure. Later, when he doesn't feel so completely depressed, he will be disgusted by his own defeatist thinking. Loki always has a plan, after all. One shoulder moves in a faint shrug.] There are very few people that can cause me to feel safe. Rogue does. And so does Eugene.

[And he wants to keep all of these people. It's that greedy nature. Not that he's expecting any understanding or sympathy on that count. He's gotten the impression that by human standards, one person is supposed to fulfill every need, and if it doesn't then that is considered bad and wrong.

Well, he's been bad and wrong on Asgard. Midgard too, really. No one is surprised.]

You had to burn... what...?

[He's almost afraid to ask. She doesn't mean...]

[Billy's quiet for a moment after that, silently winding another bandage around Loki's second foot. There's something wrong with... a lot of that. Not Loki himself, necessarily, but the words. He's not comfortable with it at all. People are so different- what they want, what they need, what they thrive on or starve without. If people weren't unique in so many ways, they wouldn't be near as interesting. Gods or demi-gods or aliens or whatever aren't exempt from that, either.]

...Some people... aren't meant to be monogamous.

[He says it matter-of-factly, shifting back and washing his hands off in the bowl of water. He hates the feel and look of blood on his hands, and he's trying not to let them shake now. He's not done, he needs to deal with the rest, and- if he's not doing something with his hands, he'll have to think too much about what's happening here. He's not ready for that.]

It isn't that there's anything wrong with you. Or rather, if there is, it isn't that. Open relationships exist on Earth, and some people are fine with it. Threesomes, too- arrangements between couples to hook up all together- it's okay to want more if you're not satisfied. But that sort of relationship means you need to be completely open- before you do anything beyond your partner. They need to be okay with it for it to work. That's why it's... cheating. You cheat your partner out of what they thought the relationship meant to you.

[He's silent for a long moment as he mulls that over. Finally, he says, very quietly:]

I'd gotten the impression humans simply didn't do that. At least not in proper--

[No. Old habits die hard. Old ways of thinking die even harder when they've been ingrained for so long.]

In relationships with women.

[It's not as if he's spent a lot of time observing the social niceties of mortals. He never had a reason to care until now. It's always been this vague impression of a man with one wife (or two, but they seem to not do that so much any more) and if you want to get him in trouble, get him in bed with another man or an animal and there you go. All he's really had to go on for mortals of this time has been observation, in which Jack and Eugene are the only non-monogamous couple and he'd just put that down under the mental heading of 'things ~~perverts~~ men who sleep with men can do but obliviously even then it's unusual.'

Even everything he's read has really just been about monogamy, with anyone having an outside relationship portrayed as misguided or downright villainous.]

It's different, where I'm from. [He shrugs. Rogue had made her distaste for the way things are done in Asgard clear, and really, if they were wrong about so many other things, it had seemed a proper assumption that they'd been wrong about that, too. That he should try to forge his own way and do better there, as well.]

I thought I could do it. For her.

[A helpless, dry little sound that might have been an attempt at a laugh.]

Couldn't just -- leave it there. Not like that. [She takes a breath that shudders all the way through her.] Especially with all that horrible magic around.

[But he couldn't. Billy knows he doesn't have to say it, but the words are on the tip of his tongue, nonetheless. It's so hard to fathom, this... betrayal. The idea that the person you love isn't enough. It's been years and he's never wanted anyone but Teddy; even the enforced Malnosso shifts couldn't change that. His gaze shifts to the ring on his finger, wincing as he notices blood caught in the runes carved into the gold. He'll have to wash it really well when he gets home.

Dammit. Dammit. He's not equipped for this.]

"For her"... I'm sure it's hurt her to find out that she's not enough to satisfy you.

[There's always two sides to this coin. For someone who already has understandable issues about relationships, it must have been so much worse. No wonder she walked.]

[His lips curl in a slight snarl. It's the closest he can get to anger right now, as thoroughly as he has exhausted himself. If he had a drop energy left in him, he'd be shredding the couch.] I am not unsatisfied.

[Oh god. Oh god. That's beyond screwed up.]

Oh, man... I...

[Sorry doesn't even cover it. He bites his lip and falls silent; he's sorry he asked, now.]

[Billy looks up at that, cautious but unafraid of the snarl.]

"Satisfaction is not in my nature." Your own words.

Hah, he will batter me with my own words.

[He pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to find a way to explain. Because he knows how he feels, but yes, he reminds himself, it's not as if anyone else knows how he feels. Which is probably for the best considering how often "how do I feel?" can be answered with "like stabbing someone in the neck."

Though this is not one of those times, it should be noted. He's too taken up by feeling generally terrible for turning any of it outward yet.]

I am not unsatisfied with Rogue. With anything about her. With anything about us. She has given me more than I could have ever hoped to have.

[He huffs a laugh.] I want all I can take from the world.

[She swallows. The silence stretches on maybe a little too long.]

Couldn't see any way around it. [A slow exhale. She looks at Billy.] Like I said. It was hard for all of us. An' when they get back... it'll be like startin' again all over.

That's what I mean, though. You can say as much as you want that you're not unsatisfied with her, but the fact is that you're not satisfied with just her, either. I don't think there's any way to explain that to your partner without making them wonder why they're not enough to make the one they love completely happy. It's an unfortunate side-effect of a partnership.

[And most people - human, mutant, immortal, whatever - can't just shrug that sort of thing off. It hurts, and that uncertainty sticks.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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